How to Protect Ourselves

[0:03]There are people who are, in most walks of life, extremely canny and highly able to look after themselves. They may be shrewd in business, undaunted in social encounters, vociferous in defending their causes in public. And yet, in other situations, these very same people can find themselves sharply and strangely unable to protect their interests. The situations where these people become powerless, innocent, unworldly and too pure for their own good, are intimate ones. It's in close relationships that the years seem to fall away from them. They find themselves in a couple and lose any ability to imagine that their partner might be anything other than very nice and on their side. Other people may spot a problem at once. In their eyes, all is completely well. Until it may be far, far too late. They give their partners a huge amount of themselves, their tireless in their ministrations, even if the partner is running rings around them. They keep hoping for the best, even if the partner has repeatedly shown themselves to be untrustworthy. They give the other time and money, far more than would be sensible. What's going on? Why can't this person erect the requisite protective barriers? Generally, because their early survival depended on them not fully recognizing the unpleasantness of a person close to them. Because their childhood forced them into a state of unwarranted innocence. They couldn't, for example, afford to properly recognize that their mother didn't want the best for them. They couldn't bear to think that a close relative might be sexually abusive. It wasn't in their interest at the age of five to fully take on board the awfulness of their father. Psychological survival relied on maintaining a selectively timid, hopeful, and naive stance. As a result, the faculties that would normally engage with intimate danger were cauterized and numbed and have remained so into adulthood. Which accounts for the paradox of high competence and strength existing alongside severe passivity and powerlessness. When we see such people, and they may be us, we need to extend understanding and compassion. These people aren't stupid or weak. They've had to learn to switch off their bright minds in particular contexts. They've not been able to be vigilant because vigilance would have meant realizing that someone they deeply depended on was a curse. And that was too much to bear psychologically and practically when they lacked any option to run away and find new caregivers. It can take a lifetime to learn a simple sounding lesson, that we deserve only kindness from those we love.