[0:00]Hello everybody. Welcome to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. I'm currently finishing doing my makeup because I was doing it. I'm not going anywhere. I was just getting ready to talk to you guys, and I wanted to look nice. And I was getting ready for this podcast, and the spirit moved me, and I was like, no, I need to start talking immediately. So, I'm just going to finish my makeup whilst we film the podcast, since I'm just chilling on my bed anyway because I no longer have a set, because why? I moved to New York. It's true. I did it. I didn't really tell anyone I was going to do this because well, I didn't actually know for sure if I was going to do it until I did it. This is not my apartment. This is a hotel, because I don't have an apartment yet. I haven't found a place to live yet. My stuff is all in storage. I I don't know what else. I I that that's that's the spiel right now. The reason that I didn't really like tell anyone I was going to do this, though, is even people in LA that I like forgot to tell. It's not that I forgot to tell, it's that I didn't know if this was something that I was really going to do. And I I was so daunted by the idea of like, I moved to LA one year ago, right? And I moved there not really knowing anyone, and it took me a while to feel like I wasn't just constantly in a foreign place. And it took me a while to find friends and to find not just friends, but community and like, you know, it takes time. And the idea that I was just about to abandon all that after having just about barely found it, was quite daunting. One of the main things that I was thinking before I made the firm decision to move was, a year ago when I came to LA from England. I was not at all intimidated by the idea of moving to a completely foreign country, a completely foreign place where I didn't really know anyone and didn't have any like strong relationships or ties or anything. Like the idea of that just I mean, I did, I I obviously had people that I knew in LA and a lot of my team is based in LA. Like and I go, I had been going to LA for work, but like the idea of like really just moving there just by myself, didn't scare me. Like it didn't intimidate me. Toa, who is my best friend who I knew from London, did end up moving with me, but that wasn't the initial plan. So when I was making the plan to go to LA in the first place, the idea of doing it alone was the idea that I was working with, and it never scared me. And I just did it, you know? Like no second thoughts. And then once I got there, I I experienced what that is. What it is to go to a new place and to just live there and to have to rebuild your entire community from square one and to rebuild a life and like become comfortable in a new place. And I learned that that is a actually, it's a fun and wonderful thing to do, but it's also can be really hard and really lonely, and also it just you have to develop a stronger sense of self. And that's something that I didn't expect because one thing that I learned was that having people around me who I had known for years and years and years was part of my sense of self because of who I was around those people. Because it's very hard to just rebrand one day or to, you know, go crazy and lie about who you are if that's something that you're afraid of doing like me. If you can hear, can you guys hear my nose squeaking? I have a really bad like cold. Well, no, I don't. I don't have a bad cold. I just have a mild cold. And I keep squeaking here. I wonder if the mic is picking it up. It's like inside of my head is squeaking. Did you hear that? Sorry, it's like the pressure is being released as I'm speaking, and it's like on this side of my, that's crazy. Anyways, what was I saying? Oh, yeah. Because I didn't know that that was going to be something that I had to experience. And so I wasn't scared of it, and I think that's the best way to go about life. I always say, if you don't know how big the hill you're climbing is, it is going to feel way less steep. And it's going to be way less daunting to start. Like I always think about even just starting TikTok and like starting doing social media in general. If I had known what I was going to end up doing or how much of a part of my life this would all be, I would have thought that I could never do it. Or if I if this had been my goal, I would have probably never started. And if I knew where I had to get to, I would have just been like, what the fuck? But because I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going, it never felt scary, cuz I just took it day by day. And it was the same thing with moving to LA. And so when I had this idea that I might want to move to New York and uproot my life again and move somewhere where I barely know anyone and start fresh again by myself for real without Toa this time, because she is for sure staying in LA. Like, I'm fully here by myself. Now that was daunting to me because I knew what might come along with that. And I hated that that daunted me. I was like, no, I'm not someone who has ever been scared to just do things before, to just like change my life on a whim. I had never found that scary before, and I didn't like that I was all of a sudden scared. I was like, what have I become? Some kind of old old decrepit lady? No, no. So I was like, that kind of spurred me on even more. The fact that I felt afraid of doing this is kind of what pushed me even more to make that decision and to step back into discomfort and to challenge myself. Or not even challenge myself. Like I don't even accept the challenge. I'm just doing it because it's something that I want to do. And I would just refuse to not do anything because it's scary or intimidating. So I'm here, and this is what I'm doing. And I've officially moved to New York, even though I technically do not have a flat here. I'm still flat hunting, and I'm just in this little like Airbnb slash hotel situation until then. Do I do way too much blush? The lighting in here is really a treat. And by that, I mean it's atrocious, and I can't tell if I just did way too much blush, and the viewfinder on my camera is way too small, so I can't tell, which is which is great. Should I check in my phone? My nose is squeaking. It's kind of a lot of blush, but it's fine. Whatever. The big life update is that I did it. I moved to New York. And have never felt more relieved and more happy to have made a decision in my life. I wasn't sure if it was going to be the wrong decision because it's freezing. Right now, outside this window is a blizzard. It is a blizzard. It has been freezing cold, the entire like freezing cold the entire time I've been here. When I got here, there was like 10 inches of snow already. That might not be the right number, but there was a lot of snow. It hasn't melted. Like there's just piled up snow on the sides of the streets. I've been here for like 10 days. It hasn't moved. And then today a new blizzard happened, and it snowed again. And it's been freezing, and I've never been happier. I have never been happier. It's because I've been in summer the whole year. So I'm not like fatigued from it yet, you know? But I hated the cold when I lived in England. It was like my main complaint in life was that I hated the cold, and I wanted to get successful enough in my life that I could afford to move somewhere that was just like an eternal summer. And then I I kind of moved to LA the second that I got the opportunity cuz I was like, oh my fucking god, like eternal summer. Like, this is exactly what I've been asking for. And of course, it turned out that wasn't actually something that I enjoyed in my life. Which is funny, it's always the things that you think are ideal for you that sometimes just aren't. I think growing up in a cold place, I'm accustomed to having seasons, and I found that my idea of my life is very separated and very reliant on the weather and the seasons and like communal rest versus communal joy. Like spring and the sense of like happiness because it's warm outside, not just like it's always warm outside. Like, I like the fact that when it hits 16 degrees Celsius in the UK, people go to the beach because it's like, oh, it's a good day today because it's sunny, and it's the first day in the pub garden or it's the first day where you can do this and that, and then winter comes and it's restful, and like I actually it turns out I really like that. And I think the only reason that I like it as much as I do is because I'm lucky enough to not have to reside only in one place all year. And I travel a lot for work, which gives me a break from the weather, and it gives me variation in the weather. I'm not saying I'm trying to do another like seven-month London winter. That's not what I'm saying. But I do think that I actually really value the seasons and being part of that and being part of winter and struggling a little bit through winter and bundling up and then reaching spring and rejoicing in spring with everybody else because we just had winter together. You know what I mean? I don't know. I've just literally been the happiest I have been in I don't know how long. However, I've still been struggling, and I think that's mainly the point I want to talk about on today's episode because it's something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. With the new year happening and then the spring equinox and the Chinese New Year and all the stuff that I was seeing on TikTok about that, about fresh starts and how to move with the seasons, but also in my own life, literally moving to a new place for not a fresh start, but new energy and new opportunities and just a new chapter.
[9:07]One of the things that I was thinking about a lot before starting this new chapter is, what do I want to not embody anymore? What do I not want to bring with me into New York? What am I trying to eradicate from my life by moving to New York, essentially? Because I'm shedding people, I'm shedding versions of myself that I don't want, and I'm trying to by relocating help myself embody something new. So I was just thinking a lot about, well, what is that? What do I want to leave behind, and what do I want to be? Who do I want to be in this new place and in this new chapter? And those things are it's easy to fantasize, right? Like about, when I have this thing, or when I live in this place, or when I get this thing that I want, it's going to be way easier for me to be this, this, this and this. Whether that's, you're going to be a super organized person or a super clean person, or you're not going to be depressed, or you're not going to be flaky on your friends, or you're not going to have X or Y bad habit anymore when you get to this new place or you're this new future version of yourself. It's easy to kind of delude yourself. I do it all the time where I'm like, no, once this thing has gone from my life, this whole thing is going to fall into place. And it's like, I've learned through immense like privilege in my career where I get to relocate to New York City or to LA. I've learned that that doesn't work, okay? And that was really disappointing to me because I was like, fuck, there's really no shortcut to becoming who you want to be. Like, you're not going to embody a certain thing. Jesus Christ, my face is squeaking so much. I've never ever experienced this before. But I kind of learned when I moved to LA that, and it sounds dumb, but I learned that, oh, your habits really do get on that plane with you. Your bad habits, those things you wanted to leave behind and not take into your new life, they actually do, they bought the plane. Nine times out of 10, they will buy the plane with you. And so, prior to moving to New York, I really sat and thought about what I cannot bring with me that just doesn't serve me. That I have no desire and no reason to hold on to anymore. Where I have a lot of problems is with discipline. I am such to my core, I am a not, I am not a disciplined person. And one of the things that I've thought a lot about lately is how much I live in my head. And I think it's been a good thing because I think it's the reason I'm able to do these episodes is I've spent most of my life just inside of my head trying to figure out the best way to articulate the things that I think and feel. Like I just kind of converse with myself up here like all fucking day. And I don't like to be ambiguous about anything. Like I cannot rest a situation or a confrontation or an argument or a I can't not think about anything until I understand something well enough that I feel like it would hold up in a court of law, the statement that I could make about the thing.
[12:16]I literally like hold court cases in my brain. I I can't deal with not fully, fully, fully understanding every single thing about a situation or feeling misunderstood by someone else has always really, really fucked with me. I've realized how big the theme this is for me in my life of just like, I do not ever rest on thinking about things. Like it's I live in my head, and I just converse with myself all day. Like I said, I hold court cases. And one of the one of the things that I have been trying to shed lately to make room for more, to make room for something I actually might deserve is is that habit. Because I think what that habit reflects when you're obsessively think about how you feel and who you are, and your your morals and whether you align with them, and whether what he said was right, or she said, or what you said, or if there was any differing of narrative or understanding.
[13:14]Just obsessively trying to empathize and have compassion and understand every single fucking person's point of view, often except for your own. That whole thing is so time-consuming. It takes my energy, and it reflects a deep lack of trust in myself. And I've talked about this before of like, I have trouble trusting my gut. I've always had trouble trusting my gut, and my gut has rarely ever, ever been wrong, and I always find out the hard way because I don't trust myself for whatever reason. What I've been thinking about a lot lately is I'm willing to and whether or not I am ready to, I think I don't care anymore. In fact, I don't care anymore. My goal is that I trust myself. My my hope is, I think I will trust myself enough to say that I'm I've like completed training in terms of I know who I am. I know what feels right. I know what feels wrong. I know that I am someone who acts fairly. I also know that I'm someone who can fuck up in my personal relationships and in in any area of my life. And that I'm allowed to. And I don't have to constantly be so vigilant inside of my own brain. Because even when I fuck up in my own life, usually the harm done is is okay. Like I'm not fucking up in such major ways that would require this level of vigilance. Like I am surveying myself like a fucking FBI agent to make sure I don't commit some heinous crime upon my loved ones, as if I ever have or ever could. And I'm just done with that part of my life, and I'm learning to know. I'm learning to trust myself that I am who I want to be. I worked to be who I want to be. I act in alignment. I act, and that's not to say 9000% of the time I act in alignment. I don't. I'm a person, but even the moments where I don't, those offenses aren't something that is so terrifying that I need to constantly have like this much of a grip on myself to avoid it. I'm so afraid of doing anything wrong in my life or to people that I love or saying something wrong or being unfair somehow to someone. That I'm like not letting myself fucking do anything, and I'm living in my head. And I always have done. And like I said, I think that's what kind of enables me to like do this podcast and I think that's why I'm maybe come off emotionally intelligent. But emotional intelligence, I think I'm what I've realized is, I can rely on this system to work in the background, and that can allow me to actually make action and make choices in my life and just trust that it's the right one. Like I don't always need to be operating from this immense control center of like this moral policing and alignment policing and violent understanding. This need for a violent level of understanding of every nuance of every situation, and every like it's like I want to operate from a different place inside of my brain, which is like more action oriented. Because I've realized that clarity and understanding and growth come through action. And that clarity follows action much more often than action follows clarity. Because I don't think I've ever really found pure clarity through thinking, cuz I'll always doubt myself and I'll always understand that my opinion and my experiences are subjective, and therefore I will never have complete and utter clarity. And also, the clarity that I have at one point in time is real, but it will change, and my experience of my life will change. My past will change. The story I tell of my past will change as I come to understand it differently or come to feel differently about it as my life unfolds. And this bad thing that happened to me today is actually a blessing because, oh, it led to this good thing in the future. So for a year, maybe that thing felt bad, and now, oh, it feels good. Now I tell the story differently, and it's redemption rather than failure. And it's like, I've just got to stop living up here so much because it's driving me insane, and it is ruining my life. So I was thinking, how do I shed this? How do I step into an embody this new version of myself that trusts the excessive amount of work and training and exercising I have done of this muscle in my brain and in my heart, and how do I put that into autopilot so that I can make choices and do things with my life without operating from this place of extreme emotional vigilance all the fucking time. And just trust that I know who I am and that I act as myself and in my own best interest. And that that doesn't mean that everyone around me is going to suffer.
[18:07]Is also the most important thing. One thing that has excited me in this learning how to actually take the next step into this idea of being someone who can be the person I just talked about, and put that stuff onto autopilot, and trust myself and move with that trust, and allow clarity to follow, and allow ambiguity to feel safe. One of the ways that I'm doing is by learning discipline. And sometimes I think it's better to act blindly but just act anyway. And that kind of reinforces a relationship of trust between you and yourself. I'm going to give you an example of one of the ways I did this this week that I just finished journaling about like an hour ago. I got a phone call this week, and it was from a person who I have just like given enough to. I have thought enough about them. I have felt enough about them. I'm I'm in my brain decisively. I don't care to think about them anymore. There is no other conclusion I will ever come to other than the one that I'm at right now. And if I arrive at another conclusion down the line in a couple of years, that that is hers to arrive to. I will not speak to what future me feels, or what she knows, or feels, or wants. Like, because it's not mine yet, and I don't need to worry about it. I don't need to borrow from her these like feelings. I can't predict them. Right now, I understand that I am done with this situation that was part of my life, right? And I got a phone call from them, and I really didn't expect it, and it was a couple of days after I had moved to New York. And I was like, yes, like new life, new me, new everything. I get a phone call from them, and I picked it up unexpectedly because I didn't realize who was phoning me. And I really quickly hung up the phone. There was no conversation, and I I held my ground in that sense of like, I decided that I was not going to speak to this person at this point in my life, and maybe ever. I don't know. But right now, I'm not. I haven't no there's no I have nothing to say, and there is no further experience I wish to have. Whether that is a conversation or a, like, there is nothing else for me to do in the situation. And I freaked out because I was like, oh my god, I'm thinking about this phone call and thinking about this person and thinking about this situation again. And I was frustrated because I noticed like a lot of thought and energy was going into something that I no longer wished for my thoughts or my energy to go into. And then I realized that I can reframe it instead as an opportunity to practice discipline and engage with the process of building this trust within myself. Because up here, I knew there was nothing else to be done in this situation. I wished not to have any more interactions with this person or this situation. And so, I freaked out when they re-entered my like energy because I was like, oh my god, like, I I've gone backwards, or I've they've re-entered. I just got them out of my energy. Now I'm thinking about them. I'm wasting my time. I'm back to being who I used to be. And I was like, no, I'm not. I'm just having an experience where I'm thinking more about them because I had an interaction with them, but I'm still not prioritizing my internal affairs with them. I know I have no decision to make, this off of new feelings or new information that I have. Because I'm sticking to my opinion, and I'm sticking to my decision, which is that there is nothing else, and that there is no point thinking about this because I'm at my conclusion. And there is nothing to gain for me from thinking about this, at least nothing that I wish to gain from thinking about this. And therefore, I can have these feelings, and I can experience whatever I am experiencing because I've already decided my path, which is not to engage. And I trust all of the things that happened internally previously to make me decide that. Therefore, I truly cannot be interfered with. My my fear was that I had been interfered with, my process, my growth had been interfered with. And it hadn't. And I realized it hadn't because I realized that disciplining my heart, and disciplining my mind, when my thoughts go there to gently call them back, but to honor the fact that they went there, and that's okay. I'm a person, they're going to. But just to bring them back. We don't sit in it anymore. Like my heart wants a million different things all the fucking time, and it wants to do loads of things that don't serve me. And the difference now is that I'm enjoying the fact that I can acknowledge that my brain is drifting toward this situation or this person that I left behind, but that I miss or that I'm angry at, or that I have to think about. I don't have to think about it. I trust my opinion, I trust my knowledge, I trust the reasons that I made certain decisions. I have nothing else to decipher or decode. I am I've made my decision. I call my heart back in. I call my energy back to myself. I call my thoughts back to whatever it was that I would rather be thinking about without shaming the experience or fighting the experience or shaming the feeling. I just let it go through me, and then I call it back. What I thought was an annoying experience was actually quite a wonderful way to get to prove to myself again, in another little way, that I cannot be interfered with now. And that I am or I'm becoming less interfere with, and that I am learning discipline of my heart, and of my mind, and that I am now more committed than I was, and working to be more and more and more committed than I was to pursuing the life that I wish for and that I think that I deserve. And to generally embodying someone who actually makes their own experience of this world what they want it to be. I think the idea generally of discipline, whether that's of calling your energy back to your projects and your work and the things that you choose to be in your life rather than them being picked out by things that don't serve you and don't end up anywhere good, and are inevitably just going to lead you somewhere you don't want to be, or to feel something you don't want to feel. To be able to like consistently move toward becoming a version of myself that to put it simply, like enjoys her life, and and and has energy to give to the things that she wants to give it to. Is like, this is the first time I would say where I've actually enacted anything to get me visibly closer to that version. So the whole idea of discipline and like developing trust between you and yourself, I think is is as simple as like small, teeny, tiny habits that you do every day. Because for me, the trust is broke the my trust with myself is currently has been for the last my whole life, but specifically very badly for the past I'd say two or three years. Has been like just getting degraded and degraded and degraded because I will set out to do something and I will not complete it. Or I will get passionate, and then I will completely forget about the thing, or I won't care about the thing, or I won't natural maintain the thing. I will take care of myself really well one week, and I will completely fuck up my health the next. It got to the point where my trust with myself was so low because I was such an inconsistent person in every area of my life. That then when I would have an idea or I would have inspiration to better myself or do a new thing or or undertake a new hobby or a task or whatever, I wouldn't even get excited at the thought of it anymore. Because my trust with myself was so bad, and I was so inconsistent in everything, that there was no point even getting excited for these new ideas or these new opportunities because I knew I was not going to see that thing through. Did I blend the contour on my neck? Yes, I think God. Imagine. Cuz I knew I wasn't going to see it through. And so I would get any opportunity would come my way, or any new inspiration, any new thought, and I would just not even care about it because I was like, I just am not going to be able to nurture this thing. Whatever it is, whether it was an a massive new work project, or a massive new work opportunity or a whatever it was, I like a gym membership. I was just like not even excited to start because I knew I was going to fail because I showed myself that so violently consistently throughout every area of my life. And that is one of the biggest things that I have been learning to undo the damage of because it's so so damaging. And one of the ways I've been working on that in the new year, cuz a lot of this came from like real New Year's resolutions because I was like reflecting so hard on the year that I've had, or the last year of my life, where I just was feeling like I might as well just give up. Like this is so like I'm just clearly doing the wrong thing for myself because I don't feel happy. I don't feel fulfilled, and I don't I can't even see straight. Like I just was so fucking bored and uninspired and honestly like very depressed. Like the last year of my life, but specifically the last six months of 2025, I think was the, in fact, not I think it was the worst depression I have ever experienced. I have never felt like that in my life. And I'm still almost trying to recover from it because it severed another level of trust with myself. Where I was like, I felt like I allowed myself to get to that point, and I did, ultimately. For me in my context, it was somewhere that I allowed myself to get to through years of neglect. Like proper neglect of myself and my needs, and allowing others to come into my life and neglect my needs, and abuse parts of my brain and heart and whatever.
[28:11]Like I just had a lot and a long history of denial of myself and neglect of myself that led me to just like hit this point of like, I am a shell of a person. I have no faith in myself, and as a result, everything I also just have no fucking interest in any of this. And I realized around January, I was like, okay, look, if I want to protect my life and what I've built of my life in any way, I am going to have to genuinely enact change immediately. And one of the ways that I have started to rebuild this trust in myself, and have so greatly improved my quality of life as a result of, is starting really small. Because my trust with myself, my consistency with everything was literally almost exactly at zero. Like maybe at a one because I did, you know, at ultimately, I did sustain at least this podcast deal. Thanks, Alex. But that like is just like a massive like the grace of God kind of thing. Anyway, I just started to drink a liter of water a day. I was like, okay, if I can build that habit, I will trust myself for that one thing. And then I started to have breakfast every morning. And then once I wasn't failing at that, I was like, huh, look at me. Like I trust myself that I'm going to eat breakfast every day next week, which means I'm not going to have a horrible day because I'm working on an empty stomach. And my brain is going to be balanced. My body's going to be okay. And then on top of those habits that were sustaining the very baseline of my life, like food and water, I started to build other habits. Like I would make my bed, or I would keep my bathroom sink clear, or I would hang up my shirts after I threw them on the floor because I tried five on and I hated all of them. And like slowly but surely, and I'm still in the earlier stages of doing this. But I have started to rebuild this like trust in myself, and moving to New York is part of that rebuilding process. Because, number one, I needed to be stripped of whatever the fuck I was clinging to without even wondering what I was clinging to. I didn't even need to be like, well, if I stayed in LA, what are the things that I could change and what isn't serving me here? It's like, I needed to shut the fuck up, and I needed to go somewhere new. I don't even care if I left good things behind. We're starting something new. Like that's it. Like you're going. Like kind of like a parent to myself of like, get up and go over there. I don't care if you want to. You're going. That's it. And that's like how I've kind of been speaking to myself lately. And now that I'm in New York, it's a lot easier actually to notice like, oh, that's not something that aligns with this new version of me. And, hey, I don't like when I do that. Hey, I don't I've noticed I've done less of this, that, or the other. Like it's really served me in that way, but generally speaking, the most I think it's the most helpful thing I've done in in probably my whole life. And I I actually the last time I had this kind of a level of trust with myself, which was a way higher level of trust, but it was in 2020. When I was in my second, no, it was in my first. I don't know. When I was still at uni or college, and I was like military level shit with myself about studying. Because I was going through a bad breakup, and it was like the only way I could function. God bless I had the healthiest coping mechanisms. I mean, it actually burned me out really badly, but it doesn't matter. I mean, it did matter, but I got good grades. I would get up at 7:00 AM. I would shower, and I would cook breakfast, and I would sit down, I would start my work at 8:00, and then at 11:00, I would take a 20-minute break, and then I would work again, and then at 1:00, I would take an hour, and then I would go back to work at 2:00, and then I would work through till 5:00, and then I would stop. And that was my day of studying. Cuz obviously it was during the pandemic, so I like, was it 2021 or 20, when did the pandemic even end? It was 2021. Sorry. I'm really bad at doing maths, as we know, I failed that one. But I like had such a that was also the last time in my life where I really felt a love for myself. And I was very much like, I was really going through it. And but I had this complete isolation because it was the pandemic, but I was at uni. So like I was in a house by myself, basically, the entire time. And I low-key went completely insane. But I had this like very loving, trusting relationship with myself where I got up every day, and I worked because I knew I needed that grade. And there was nothing else that really mattered to me. I needed that grade so I didn't have to live in England because I hated the fucking winter. And obviously, my life worked out in another way where I no longer have to live in England because I do hate the weather, but now I'm in New York where the weather is worse. And it's funny how these things happen, isn't it? It doesn't matter. Anyway, the last time I had such good discipline, was also the last time I treated myself, my body, my needs with any level of respect and love. And that all kind of I let that go away. I lost that because because I hadn't really, I guess, learned the lesson that I needed to learn in order to sustain it. For whatever reason, I struggled to learn. I struggled like as the self-trust thing again. Wow, it's all comes back to that, huh? I hadn't trusted in the first heartbreak that I had had. The lesson that I learned from it. I didn't trust that that means that I've got to trust my instincts, or that means that I deserve better. Like I just didn't I thought I did. I felt like I knew. But like I wish I was someone who learned things the first time. Or I wish I was someone who was born with this just trust in myself, and there's just like second nature of like, this feels good, I'm doing it. This feels wrong, I'm not doing that. For some reason, most of my life, I've done only the things that feel wrong in almost this strong defiance of myself of like, I must be this for some reason. I am so innately crazy and evil to my core that anything that feels bad to me is actually something that I should go and do because it's going to remodel me and reshape me to be more likable, and more refined. And and I need more exposure to to this and that, and the other. And I need to toughen up, and so I've every time my gut is like, hey, this isn't good. Hey, this person is not for you. Hey, this is bad. Hey, this is harmful. I've been like, I'm crazy, and I need this. So someone could just walk up to me and be like, I'm going to torture you. And I would have been like, thank you. Perfect. Someone has to fucking do it. You know, someone's got to slap this this this bitch in the face. Because I've never, like I said, I've never trusted myself. I've never trusted who I am. Like I've almost had to test it out. Like if I think I'm a good person or a loving person, or someone who can endure things, I have to then check on that. And I'm like, okay, who's the who who is the worst person in the world? I'm going to love them so that I can prove that I am a loving person. Because I don't trust or I haven't trusted myself. And there's kind of the best way I can surmise it. And it's like, that just kind of that that lack of trust in myself, that led into every other area of my life. I couldn't trust myself to get out of bed tomorrow, or to make food for myself in tomorrow, or to maintain, sustain, nurture, any habit, any goal, any good thing. And it literally like derailed my whole life, like, and I could just not let it continue. And so that is my spiel for today is that discipline and having a purpose for that discipline. Like what is it? Not just what am I shedding? Not just what am I trying to not be anymore? Not just what didn't serve me, but like in its place, what will I implement and why? Because I want to live a life where I am passionate and excited, and someone who gets to make decisions and take actions. Like and I'm excited at the thought of being that person, and I am exhausted at the thought of falling into another depression, the way that I was in for the last however long. I didn't realize that it could be almost boiled down to actionable things. I thought that a lot of my faults were that I needed to think differently, or think less, or think more about x, y, and z. Or or feel differently, force myself somehow to feel differently about certain things. I didn't realize until now that I can just discipline myself to still be the person that I want to be through reinforcing this relationship of trust to myself. And I do not need to think my way out of anything or think my way into anything. More so, I can just be that thing. I can just fucking discipline myself just enough. And build and stack these habits, one small habit on top of the next with a vision of who I will be, under discipline, living in a structure that supports my goals. Trusting in who I am, and who I've shown up to be in the world, and who I have not shown up to be in the world. And I can do anything I want. I can be who I want. I don't have to first change something about the fabric of my being. I don't have to seek out discomfort and learn a million more lessons before I can become who I want to be or do what I want to do. No, I could just fucking well make my bed, drink some water, have some breakfast, do that every day, and trust myself just this much. Just bet on myself just one fucking time and just stop all of this. I have to I I I can't. I I choose to stop fucking thinking. I'm not going to keep thinking. I can't keep thinking. That is my spiel for this week. Girls and boys, I'm still going to think, I promise. I'm still going to think loads. But like, I just I don't know if it's the year of the fire horse or what, but we have to take action immediately, girls. Like I can't I I yeah, anyway, anyway, anyway. I think the reason that I so to surmise the episode. A lot of the last things that I was talking about around the new year was New Year's resolutions and new goals and things to shared, or things not to shared. And I realized that's just like half of the equation, and the next part of the equation, the most harder part of the equation is like, what do you actually then do? The hard part, like how do you then become the person that you want to be if you were to shed this, or to shed that? And and I knew it sounds really stupid, okay? I know it sounds dumb, but I didn't realize that I can't just decide to not be, or think my way into or out of being anything. I just have to start acting as if I am this person, and start building the foundation of that person, at the very least. What are the habits that they have? Okay, they probably get out of bed by 10:00 AM at least. They probably trust themselves that they're going to nurture their body and feed it. Nourish, sorry, nurture their body and feed it. And so maybe I can just put down the fucking self-help book for one second, and get up and make an actual change in my life, and stop living in my head. Cuz of my experience so far, it changes very little. Cuz like I said, my experience is always subjective, and I could think about it for the rest of my life, and probably come to a different conclusion every day. And you know what? That is what I do, and I'm fucking bored of it. And it was great, and I don't even though I sound frustrated with it, that's another thing I need to unlearn is feeling frustrated with old versions of myself, because that just leads to a cycle of lacking trust in yourself again. Of like, okay, well, now I'm convinced that even though I'm passionate and hyped up about my new version of myself, that I am, and I hate the old one, cuz I'm not her anymore, and I'm new, and I'm better than her, and I know more than she did, and, oh, I wasted time being that version, and blah, blah, blah. Well, if you do that enough times, you're going to start to lose excitement every time you become a new person, or a new version of yourself, or you step into a new chapter because you know, inevitably in the future, a future version of you is looking back and hating on you. Like that's no fun. So I have to remember to always look back on past versions of myself that I no longer wish to be, but look back with love and gratitude and nothing else. Not shame, not anger, not resentment, not regret, just take it, not thank her. Okay, and now something new. And I love you both. And I'm I love myself. And I love myself. I swear to God. I do. I do. I do. I promise. Yes, yes. Okay. Well, there we go. Oh, so I moved to New York, and this is not my apartment. It is a hotel. And actually, I'm going to Milan in like, literally like three days. So I have to get a storage unit in Manhattan for all my suitcases and stuff because I moved here with six suitcases, hoping I'd find an apartment in my first two weeks here. Did not. So now I have nowhere to live. And now I'm going to Milan. And I don't want to pay for the hotel while I'm away because it's expensive, so I got a storage unit. It's a whole thing. I'll let you know when I find an apartment, obviously. And then we'll get a new set. How's that? Okay. Well, I love you guys. I hope that you're having a wonderful week. I hope that your new year is still going well, and that we're all working toward keeping our resolutions. I hope this wasn't too niche or personal of an episode, cuz it's low-key just me and my demons of the week. But yeah, I also don't know if my makeup looks crazy, cuz like I said, I can't see this viewfinder is so small, and I did do my makeup during this episode, so I don't know really what I look like right now. But it loves you, and with my new found self-trust and consistency, guess what is also included in that. Yeah, more consistent uploads of the podcast. I know. I know. Trust me. Okay. Trust me. Me, trust me, and the mirror, trust me. Me to you, trust me, bro. Okay, love you. I will speak to you next week. Bye. Thanks for watching. Love you. Oh, kiss. Oh, okay.
