[0:00]main din bhar yeh sochta rahata hun ki mere andar aisi kaun si kami hai ki yeh log mujhe nikaal nahi rahe hain. Effort to main pura maar raha hun. Office se call aa raha hai, itne talented ho, hamari team mein kam kyon nahin karte. Maine bola, "Sir, aapki team mein hi hun."

[0:28]Aap logon mein se job kaun kaun karta hai, haath uthao. Koi sharm ki baat nahi hai, mehnat kar rahe ho. Theek hai. Aap logon mein se work from home kiska chal raha hai? Haan, yah sharm ki baat hai. Dekho, jo log to office jaane lage, mujhe unke liye theek feel hota hai. Par jinka abhi bhi work from home chal raha hai, unko lag raha hai, kya sexy life chal rahi hai. Main Ek cheez bata de raha hun agar Kisi Din Inko HR ki taraf se call aa Gaya ki office aajaao, pehle inhen Maut Aaegi. Ab yah is layak rahe nahin ki yah apne pairon per chalkar office ja paae.

[1:07]Inki chhaati pe nishan pad chuke hain laptop ke.

[1:15]Yah din bhar baith kar Yahi check Karte rahte hain ki Cov*d ki nai waves kyon Nahin aa rahi hai. 2 hi sal ki Mauj kaatni thi kya? Yeh Peeth per Takiya bandh ke kam karne ki jo Aadat padi hui hai, yeh Ja hi nahin Rahi hai. Tumhari Aankhon Mein hramkhori dekh pa raha hun. Aur doston dekho aisa nahin ki hum work from home mein kam karna nahin chahte. Ho nahin pata. Uske piche hi reason hai, hum kaam karna chahte hain, company humko paise de rahi hai. Problem yah ki inhone hi Din mein 75 meetings rakh rakhi hain. Nonsense meeting hoti hai. Subah 9:00 Baje ek meeting hoti hai. Jiska agenda hai ki aaj Hum kya-kya karne wale hain. And I am like, Aaj Hum kya kya karne wale hain. Pichhle 15 Dinon se maine ek kam ko hath nahin lagaya. Main 12:00 Baje uthta hun so ke. 1:00 Baje proper uthta hun. main din bhar yeh sochta rahata hun ki mere andar aisi kaun si kami hai ki yeh log mujhe nikaal nahin rahe hain. Effort to main pura maar raha hun. Office se call aa raha hai, itne Talented ho hamari team mein kam kyon nahin karte. Maine bola, Sir aapki team mein hi hun.

[2:16]Wo bol rahe hain, "Hamen pata hai." Hum poonchh rahe hain, "Kam kyon nahin karte?" Kyunki nahin ho raha hai kam yaar. Haramkhori bhi ek cheez hoti hai na. Mujhse Nahin hota kam. Maine apni mummy ko Excel sikha diya hai. ki kab tak chai banati rahogi Maa. Ab woh Chai aur Excel dono karke La rahi hai. Subah 9:00 Baje ek meeting hoti hai. Jiska agenda hai ki aaj hum kya-kya karne wale hain. Aur sham ke 8:00 wali meeting mein Hum yeh bata rahe hote hain ki nahin kar paye. Kahan se kar payenge? Pura din meeting mein hi chala gaya. Aur subah jo meeting hai na, wo Tumhare manager ko pata hai ki yah haramkhor 1:00 baje se pehle nahin uthenge. To usne alarm set kar rakha hai. Woh alarm hai. Subah 9:00 Baje ek meeting woh alarm hai. Subah 9:00 baje woh pahunch jata hai ki guys camera kyon on nahin kar rakhe tum log. Kar lo na camera on. Usne khud camera nahin on kiya hua hai. Uske audio se flush ki aawazen a rahi hai. Hamari fati hui hai ki yah na camera on kar le.

[3:19]Thodi der mai sabka camera on hota hai. Achanak se ek banda usmein Chilla raha hai ki Sir aapne apne mathe pe teer ka tatoo banva liya. Hamen to pata hi nahin chala. To manager bola abbe woh Cursor hai andhe.

[3:37]Yeh pura mouse hilake check kar raha hai. oh my bad. Aapka Rang thoda daba hua hai na. Ab dekho hamesha Ek screen se ek Banda Chilla raha hota hai ki Sir aap mute pe hain. Awaaz Nahin Aa Rahi. Mute. wah Khud mute per hai. Uska munh khali Aise-Aise dikh raha hai bus. Aur ek screen hoti hai jahan se pata nahin Kyon Bomb fatane ki aawaze a rahi hai. Uska ghar pata nahin kaunsa Iran, Iraq & Gaja patti mein hai. Uske ghar launcher gir rahe hain. usko mute karne ke Chakkar mein tum manager ko mute kar de rahe ho. Ab manager alag se Chilla raha hai. Manager alag se call karke bola, Ravi kaam kyon nahin ho pa raha hai. Kahan se kaam ho payega abhi bhi main meeting mein hi hun. Hum ek meeting mein discuss kar rahe hain ki dusre meeting mein kya karenge. Hamara Agenda hi clear nahin ho pa raha hai. HR ko ine sab cheezo se koi matlab nahin. Usne sabko mail bhej rakha hai ki aaj Mayank ka birthday hai. Chalo Party. Chalo Chalo. Tum apna kam dhandha chhod kar Mayank ka birthday manane ja rahe ho. Mayank hamare office ka woh employee hai jo paida hona bhi deserve nahin karta. Maine metro ke niche peeta tha Mayank. Aur make sure karta hun Office khulne ke bad fir peetne wala hun. Yah kyon hai office mein samajh nahin aata. Yah aata hai aur kuch-kuch karke chala jata hai. Yah kya kam karta hai aaj bhi Rahasya banaa hua hai. Aap Power Bank kharidte ho mobile ka battery charge karne ke liye. Kuchh Power Bank mobile ka hi battery choos lete hain. Yah wahi hai yah. Yah kyon Hai?

[5:19]Yah interview ke liye aaya tha HR ke pass. HR ne bola, "Mayank aap comfortable ho jao." Yah Juta khol kar baith gaya.

[5:26]Bola, "T-shirt hata sakte hain kya?" Har mahine HR se jhagada kar raha hai. Ki joining ke time jab tumne bola tha ki itni salary cash in hand milegi, to account mein kyon bhej de rahe ho. Main pagal hun jo har mahine thela lekar aa raha hun. Office ke official mail ke reply mein Hmmm.... kaun likhta hai.

[5:56]Humne puri office ke liye cab ki service provide karvai ki sare log aajae cab se. Isaki cab humne do din mein band karva di. Kyunki yah ghumne nikal ja raha tha. Yah driver ko fasa raha hai, bhai Rishikesh chalte hain. ₹1 ka kam nahin karna. Lekin queries ke naam per logon se employees se ghatiya sawal karta hai. Ab ek ladki intern aai thi usne apne hath per guitar ka tatoo banva rakha tha. Usko tok raha hai ki yah khujane per bajta bhi hai kya.

[6:27]Mujhse ek din bola ki mujhe ladkiyan acchi lagti hai. Maine bola, "Nice good for you." Bola, "Main Lesbian to nahin hun na." Pata nahin kya hai bhai. Pata nahin kya hai tu. Har office mein ek do employee aise hote hain jinhone tumhara kuchh nahin bigada, par unko dekh kar tumhari sulag jaati hai. Kyunki tumhara mood kharab kar dete hain. Ab main monday ki din aaya hun kam karne ke mood se. Aur mereko Mayank samne hi dikh gaya. Bola, "Hey Ravi sir, aapko sir bolane ka man hi nahin karta." Maine bola, "Kya hua?" Bbola, "Kya main aapko bhaiya bol sakta hun?" Maine bola, "Tumhara bhai mar gaya hai kya?" Bola, "Nahin bus aapko dekhkar bade bhai ki vibe aati hai ki koi hai." Maine bola, "Tumko jo bolna hai bolo par bhag jao yahan se." Aur wahi mujhse galti ho gai. Kyunki ab yah mujhse frank ho chuka hai. Ab yah ghatiya sawal kabhi bhi kar lega. Ek din bol raha hai ki office ki coffee mein jhag bahut jyada nahin aa raha. Kahin yeh log ismein Nirma to nahin dal rahe. Maine bola, "Ek to mere ko sir bolna wapas chalu kar do tum." Kyunki aisa mera bhai hota to dauda dauda ke maarta. Bola, "Mujhe pears sabun se nahana bahut acchcha lagta hai." Ekdam toffee jaisa dikhta hai. Par khane mein to bahut hi bekar hai. Tu sabun kha raha hai? Bola, "Pears to fir bhi theek hai Rin to bahut hi wahiyat hai." Yah bola, "Dekho bhai English seekhne Ka fayda to hai." Pehle main flight mein Air hostess se pani nahin mang pata tha. Maine bola, "Ab mang lete ho?" Bola, "Haan." Maine bola, "Kaise?" Bola, "Aaaaaa...." ₹1 ka kam nahin karna. ₹1 kharch nahin karna aur baaten badi-badi karni hai. Maine bola, "Bro Samosa khane chalte hain." Bola, "Nahin man nahin hai. Tel bahut jyada hota hai usmein." Maine bola, "Main khilaunga." Bola, "Acchha chalo." Samosa ki dukaan per pahunche. Samosa wala alag flaunt kar raha hai. Ki sir hamara samosa best hai, hum 40 sal se samosa banaa rahe hain. Usko bol raha hai, "Aaj wala dena." Dekho hamara ek basic human nature hota hai ki tum kuchh kha rahe ho pi rahe ho. Aur koi dost tumhara, koi jananewala aata hua dikh jaaye to tum offer karte ho You wanna have some? Aap khana chahoge? Aur yeh haramzade khane lag jate hain. Yeh wahi banda hai. Main cold drink pi raha tha. Mere ko Mayank samne dikha. Maine hi karne ke liye hath uthaya. Isne mere hath se cold drink chhin hi liya. Ki, "Haan haan kyon nahin." Offer kiya bhi nahin tha maine. Aadhe se jyada cold drink pi kar mujhe wapas kar raha hai. Bola raha hai aapko pata hai ismein toilet cleaner mila hua hota hai. And I am like, kash ismein mila hota. Mera sapna hai tumhare munh se jhaag nikalte hue dekhna. Ek din bol raha hai ki Rishikesh ghumne chalte hain. Suna hai wahan land slide ho raha hai, room saste hain.

[9:20]Har office mein ek department hota hai HR ka. HR ka basically yah kam hai ki use hi figure out karna hai ki uska kaam kya hai. Main tumhen ek challenge deta hun agar tumhare andar dum hai, HR se ek kaam nikalwakar dikha do. Tum HR ke pass jao ki mujhe 2 din ke liye chhutti chahiye. HR like 5 sal bad apne aap ko kahan dekhte ho. Are bench*d 2 din ki chhutti chahiye humko. Inka motivation khatm hi nahin ho raha. Ki company ke bare mein kyon nahin sochte, ki Sunday ke din ghar kyon chale jaate ho. Arey... Maine bola, "Pen de do." Boli, "F*** off bhag jao yhao se." Maine bola, "Kuchh to hoga, drawer kholo usmein jhandu balm hoga nikalo aur yahi ragad do mere." Tum kam mangne ja rahe ho tumko kam alag se pakdaya ja raha hai. Pure hafte pure mahine inko maut aai hai, inse ek kaam nahin ho pa raha. Aur jis din office mein koi event hota hai, use din HR ki energy dekho. Pata nahin kaun sa chavanprash chat lete hain. Ki doston aaj hai fun day Friday. Aaj hum fun karenge. Aur fun karne ke liye in logon ne proper PPT banaa rakhi hai. Ki fun kaise karna hai, proper teams bant rakhi hai. Ki yah hai team chhaiya chhaiya. Aur yah hai team OE OE. Khelo antakshari. Tumhare pass aur koi option hai nahin, to munh banake antakshari khel rahe ho. Aur main ek cheez bata raha hun. Tum kitna bhi Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan sun rahe ho, Jim Morrison, Bob Marle and Coke Studio. Antakshari khelte time tumhen jhantu gane hi yad aayenge.

[10:46]Ki Maai Re Maai Munder Pe Tere Bol Raha Hai kaga.

[10:56]Ga se gaa tik tik one tik tik two. Team OE OE ki fat gai, f*** Ga se gana hai. Gori Hai Kalaiyaan. La De Mujhe Hari Hari Chudiyan. Aur yeh launde ga rahe hain.

[11:10]Unko bus ga se gana yad aa gaya. Ladkiyan aise ghutne todkar baith ja rahi hain. Pairon Mein bandhan hai payal ne machaya shor. Boss ki fat gai hai, ki itni energy agar yeh kam mein laga lete. To pichhle 3 mahine se jo meri company ghaate mein ja rahi hai. Aur agale hi mahine jise main band karne ka soch raha hun. Kuchh to fayda ho jata. Hamare office mein aise aise cheezen karva rahe hain. Jiska actually mein koi matlab nahin. Event ke naam per. Jaise meri office mein anti depression seminar karva rahe hain. Diwali ke din. Tumhen yah samajh kyon nahin aa raha hai ki hamen depression kyon hai.

[11:48]Agar ki aaj tumne chhutti de di hoti. To main kahin jake Bomb Patakhe fod raha hota gobar mein fansa ke. Sabke apne-apne tarike hote hain frustration nikaalne ke. Per main abhi zoom call per inke sath baithke exercise kar raha hun. Wo bol rahe hain, "Sans upar lo, sans niche lo." Accha lag raha hai? Nahin acchha lag raha hai. Humko chhutti chahiye. Mujhe Karva Chauth ki chhutti chahiye. Main rakh lunga.

[12:17]Hum chhutti ke bhukhe hain. Humko chhutti nahin mil rahi. Mayank ko chhutti mil jaati hai. Mayank gaya HR ke pass bola, "Mujhe 2 din Ki chhutti chahiye." HR ne bola, "F*** off." Usne wahi Khoon ki ulti kar di. Ki dekho mujhe to cancer hai. Stage 6.

[12:38]You have to let me go. Bola, "Oh ho cancer hi ho gaya." Ek project rah gaya hai. Dekh lo isi weekend ho paye. Tumhari chita thandi hone se pehle. Usko sach mein Heart Attack aa gaya. Ki itna harami manager. Uske munh se jhag nikalne lage. Mera sapna pura ho gaya. Yahi to main chah raha tha. Office mein aisi-aisi cheezen Karva rahe hain. Jaise ek chij aur karwa rahe hain office mein. Inko har mahine ek bande ko award dena hai, Employee off the month. Inko lagta hai isse na josh banaa rahata hai Employees mein. Inko samajh nahin aa raha ki sirf wahi aadmi khush hai jisko Award mil raha hai. Baki sab ki sulag rahi hoti hai. Ki is ch@tiye ko bhi mil gaya yaar. Hum itne sal se jhak mara rahe hain. Aur inke liye pata hai best employee kaun hai, wo banda jo raat ke 2:00 baje bhi inka reply kar de. Ki yah jagta rahata hai din raat hamare liye. Is chakkar mein Mayank jeet raha hai. Kyunki haramzada din bhar sota rahata hai. Yah din bhar sota hai. Aur raat mein ladkiyon ke inbox mein jakar, "Hey soyi nahin tum." Aankhon ke niche dark circles pad jaenge. Itni chinta ladki ke Maa-Baap ko nahin hai. Hey reply kyon nahin kar rahi. Jao main tumse naraj ho gaya. Ek chij aur karva rahe hain office mein. Jiska naam hai team building activity. Team building activity mein inka agenda yah hai Ki do alag alag teamen jinko ek dusre se koi matlab nahin. Woh apna kam karegi. Inki aapas mein baten karvao. Sukh-dukh baante. Sukh kahan hai is office mein. Hum bus dukh hi bant rahe hain. Ek bola bhai mujhe to 6:00 baje tak bitha ke rakhte hain. Maine bola, "6:00 baje to kafi jaldi hai." Arey subah 6:00 baje tak bitha ke rakhte hain.

[14:26]Aur team building activity ke naam pe hamen 10 sal se Jim Corbett leke ja rahe hain. Kyunki wahi Delhi se nazdeek padta hai. Aur wahan per bhi jakar manager ko gyan dena hai. Ki doston wahan jaenge Sher dekhenge aur usse sikhenge ki life mein aage kaise badhana Hai. Arey wahan to bakch@di mat karo yaar. Picnic bolke le ja rahe ho to manane to do kam se kam. Har jagah PPT lekar pahunch ja rahe hain hum. Ki Sher jab char kadam piche jata hai to iska matlab yah nahin ki vah piche ja raha hai. Acchha hum andhe hain.

[14:55]Hum itne salon se Jim Corbett ja rahe hain humko ek bhi Sher nahin dikhayi diya. Humko wahan keval dedh hajar Hiran dikhayi de rahe hain bus. Ped per dekh rahe hain to Bandar baithe hain. Bandar hamen dekh rahe hain aur hum Bandar ko dekh rahe hain. Hum Bandar se nazar nahin mila pa rahe hain. Wapas ghoom kar dekha to dedh hajar Hiran hi Hiran. Hiran kisi ne copy-past kar diya uthakar. Mujhe lag raha hai wahan Sher hai. Per itne Hiran dekh ke uski bhi fat gai hai. Woh kahin Bandaron ke sath baithkar kela kha raha hai. Ke bhai bahut harami ho gaye hain Hiran yaar. Kal mera poochh ukhad ke bhag gaya tha. Hum itne salon se ek Jim Corbett ja rahe hain, humko ek bhi Sher nahin dikhayi diya. Per wahan jo upar Bandar baithe hain na, unko ch@tiye dikhai de ja rahe hain. Ki yah fir a gaye Gurgaon se. Yah har saal aa jate hain jhund banakar. Pata nahin kaun sa inki amma ka khajana gada hua hai yahan. Maro, kela fek kar maro. Bhag... Bandaron ka hum mood kharab kar rahe hain. Mayank biscuit khareed raha tha. Maine bola, "Yah biscuit kyon?" Bola, "Maan lo Sher dikh gaya."

[16:09]Maine bola, "Woh Sher hai Sheru nahin."

[16:15]Aur tujhe pata hona chahiye ki Sher biscuit nahin khata. Bola, "Han bhai isiliye to maine Tiger biscuit kharida hai."