[0:07]I thought I had learned my lessons. I thought I would have known better by now. But when I got thrown into it again, I still fell hard. The part of me that I'd been desperately running away from has finally made its way back. But this time, it's here to stay.
[0:29]When you're 11, what did you think you would be doing now?
[0:51]I guess it's not uncommon for people to want to do things differently after losing someone. Some people start going to the gym or taking on new hobbies, some decide to prioritize their friendships, while some put themselves on a self-discovery journey to find inner peace and independence. You can't deny that pain really is one of the best fuels for change. Three years ago, confronted by the confusion of my identity, I made a promise that I would never find myself in a similar situation ever again. The pain of not knowing who I am was so great that I was hungry for change and growth. I consciously spent a lot of time introspecting, consumed only information I could learn from, and put myself through uncomfortable situations. I did everything just to shake off the old me and become someone better. It has been a truly confronting process and I thought by this point, nothing would affect me in any way.
[1:58]As cliche as it might sound, but life would keep putting you through the same test over and over again until you've truly learned your lessons. The winter here in England must've gotten to me. I started dating again after a long break. All the time I spent working on myself has given me so much confidence. I met someone and it was all chill and relaxed at the beginning, until I found myself slowly getting anxious, slowly losing control as I began to crave more and more from the other person. It was terrifying to watch my confidence crumbling before my eyes. Then without warning, everything fell apart. I was overwhelmed with self-doubt and frustration and all of these made me feel very small. I was aware of it all. All those videos I watched and podcasts I've listened to have taught me that acknowledgment is the first step to change. So I thought if I was self-aware and honest enough about how I feel, I could get out of the rut faster. Everything that I was experiencing felt like a betrayal of the progress I've made over the years. I hate to see myself being out of control, drowning in negativity and self-pity, and feeling like I am not enough. So I subconsciously rushed to be on the other side, just so that I could feel happy and "myself" again. And that had only made things worse. The more I tried to resist the pain, the more it persists. I couldn't understand why it cut me so deep until I began to uncover what was really hidden beneath the surface.
[3:48]If there's anything I am good at, it would be my ability to be extremely honest with myself. The reason why I was so upset was not really because of losing this person, but it was more of an attack on the persona I had built up over the years. The strength and confidence I worked so hard to cultivate turned out to be far more delicate than I imagined. For so long, I had convinced myself that I had overcome my insecurities and fears, that I had become immune to rejection and disappointment. But in reality, I had just buried those feelings beneath a thin layer of self-assurance. No matter how much I tried to change or escape from it, at my core, I am still a child who desires to be loved and validated, who is still healing from the wounds left by those who never intended to hurt me years and years ago. All this time seeking approval and acceptance from others was my attempt to compensate for the lack in my younger self, but no amount of external validation could ever fill the void unless I start to offer myself the unconditional love I crave. As I took time to reflect, I realized I don't love myself enough. I have been selectively loving only the parts of me that I'm proud of, the moments of confidence, the accomplishments, and the times when I met or exceeded my own expectations. But I secretly resent or even feel ashamed of the parts that I'm not, the part that struggles and falls short, the part that desires approval and validation. As much as I'm aware of her presence, I had never listened to or truly accepted her. Being excessively self-critical in the name of perfectionism and self-improvement, invalidating my emotions and masking them with toxic positivity because I'm scared that if I gave in to these negative feelings and showed my insecurities to the world, I'd also be admitting that I'm weak and incompetent.
[5:55]If only I could give myself the same love and kindness and compassion I have for others, I probably wouldn't struggle as much. I used to think self-love was just about taking care of ourselves, or the ability to withstand loneliness and establish independence. But then I've slowly come to understand that self-love means so much more than warm baths, long walks or solo dates. It's not just the awareness, but the full acceptance of our incompleteness and imperfectness. Just like love and joy and happiness, sadness, frustration, fear, doubt, and shame are all part of what it is to be a human being. And to truly love ourselves is to allow space for them without judgment or rushing to the emotional exit, to hold ourselves with immense warmth and acceptance and to trust our ability to overcome obstacles and grow from our experiences even when it's not easy. Instead of feeling ashamed, I'm starting to make peace with my insecurities and embrace them with open arms. Yes, I want people to like me, but each day, I'm learning to let go of the need for external validation, shifting the focus back to myself, prioritising my needs and setting boundaries. At times I still fail or feel anxious and nervous, but that's okay. I don't have to keep a perfect record. As long as I keep showing up, that's all that matters.
[7:29]While self-love begins with our internal dialogue and recognising our self-worth, it's nurtured and reinforced through our connections with those around us. As contradictory as it might sound, we don't learn to fully love ourselves in isolation because we don't exist in isolation. After all, we are inherently social beings, wired for connection and belonging. True self-love isn't about self-reliance or self-sufficiency. It's about recognising our interconnectedness with others and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable in their presence, knowing that we are not on this journey alone. We learn to extend the same compassion, understanding, and forgivingness for others to ourselves, and by showing up as our authentic selves with flaws and imperfections, we open up space for supportive and meaningful relationships that uplift and inspire us. Loving yourself is a process that requires patience and understanding. There are going to be days when you feel like you've made tremendous progress and others when you find yourself slipping back into old patterns of self-doubt and criticism. But just like all the good things in life, growth takes time. There's no need to rush, you are already doing great as you are. And the world keeps spinning round.
