[0:00]Are you okay, ma'am? I've lost my little Timmy. Can you help me find him? Oh, sure, what does he look like? He's five ten, about two hundred pounds, red hair, a mustache. Okay, when was the last time you saw little Timmy? 1975. You mean here in the store? No, in New Jersey. I'm sorry, ma'am, but... Can you call him on the PA please? But how could he possibly... Can you call him please? Uh, could little Timmy come to the counter, please? You've got to sing him a song if you want him to come. But of course, how does the song go? Make me a cake and fill it with brisket. The taste of your hands only sweetens the brisket. Mama's proud boy. His belly is swollen, slathered in butter until it turns golden. I'm really sorry, ma'am, but I don't think little Timmy is going to turn up.
[1:06]Timmy!
[1:11]Okay, anything else we can do for you? Yes, my baby's hungry, I would like to purchase a cloth sack, a baseball bat, and a possum. Of course, so just walk straight out of the mall, turn left, go to the police precinct and ask the same question there. They'll give you exactly what you need. Thank you. Here's a tip for your trouble. Waiter! Yes, ma'am? I would like to be moved closer to the window please. Sure. Please change seats. I said I would like to be moved closer to the window.
[1:47]A little closer please.
[1:55]Is this close enough, ma'am? I said closer! The view is terrible!
[2:07]Oh my gosh, what the what is going on here? It's your first time dealing with a stick up. Don't worry, everything will be fine. Just follow the procedure. Okay, okay. What are you doing? He's not robbing us. We're the bank. It's our job to rob him. Oh, right. Okay. Drop your mortgage or the bag! Please, I have children! Good to know, we'll come for them next. Yes, yes, yes. That's a pretty watch. No, please, it belonged to my grandma! You want to try me? I'll drop your credit score so low you won't even be able to get a loan at the library, punk! Well, at least I'm leaving with my dignity. No, we'll have that too. Your pants, put them in the bag!
[2:47]I feel dirtier than a rat who joined law enforcement but actually had family connections to the mob and was turning police evidence over to the gangsters. Give me like a rat who was a rat. Yeah, I guess that's a better way of saying it. Boys, I am very disappointed in you. You forgot to sell him a payday loan at 1000% interest. This is unacceptable! What seems to be the problem, sir? This place is a scandal! All of Mother Nature's creatures deserve to be free! Run, my eight-legged brothers! Go! You're free!
[3:30]Well, I hope that was worth it. Yes, because they're all free. No, they're not. They were $12,000. Do you have a return policy? Yep, you bring them to the store and get your money back. Glad I didn't pay up front.
[3:42]Pervitus Pizza, may I take your order? Sure, one pepperoni, coming up. Are you sure this is the right address? Good afternoon. I'm on my way. Can you hold up your hand, please? Sure. Darwin, raise your hand so she can see us. No, your other hand, the one holding the pizza.
[4:08]Thanks, I'm a pilot you see, but I hate airplane food. Wait, what about the money? I just dropped it off. Where? Somewhere over Reno. Over and out. So it turns out we're in a store uniform is a grown-up version of having a sign on your back that says kick me. Yeah, I think the sign would say something ruder than that. Let us in!
[4:28]Dude, what's today's date? Friday, November 24th. The Black Friday Sales! What is our motto, soldier? 100% satisfied, sir!
[5:01]War is sales!
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