[0:00]Part of what distinguishes a marriage from any other relationship is sex. Fidelity means we won't have sex with anyone else, so you assume that we will be having sex with each other.
[0:13]Sounds like a good deal to me. Might we say then that marriage places an inherent pressure on both spouses to keep their sexual bond alive?
[0:23]Just as there is a healthy pressure to remain faithful, to be honest, and to support each other through good times and bad, I would argue, yes.
[0:33]But would you not also agree that no one should ever have to submit to unwanted sex? Obviously, yes.
[0:41]So how do we reconcile these truths when there are odds in a safe, stable, and otherwise loving marriage?
[0:49]Well, if you want to remain married, the only sane option is to address the lack of wanting, and that's what I want to talk about today.
[0:58]How can you genuinely start wanting sex? And beyond that, where it can really take you as a couple and why it's so very much worth it.
[1:08]Hi, I'm Laura, a relationship therapist and coach. If you're new to the channel, welcome.
[1:14]First, a quick disclaimer. This video is for marriages that have become sexually flat, not abusive or coercive. If yours is genuinely unsafe, none of this advice applies.
[1:25]Okay, let's get one thing out of the way right off the bat. Sex is not just a byproduct of a happy marriage.
[1:35]I hear this myth all the time. If you take care of the relationship, the sex will take care of itself. No, no, it won't.
[1:43]Not after the first couple of years, not after the first couple of kids, and not after the first sign of changing hormones. That's a fantasy.
[1:53]Once the biological heat has faded, and for most couples it will, sex must become intentional. Why? What's the big deal?
[2:04]I mean, it's just sex, right? Wrong, and there are four reasons why.
[2:10]Number one, it's good for your spouse. The first is that sex, for those who desire it, is a legitimate emotional need.
[2:21]And I do mean need, maybe not for survival, but certainly for well-being. So to withhold it without good reason and without dialogue or empathy is frankly a harmful thing to do.
[2:35]And we don't want to harm the person we love the most. Obviously.
[2:39]Number two, it's good for you. The second is that sex is good for us.
[2:45]I mean really, really good for us. It's good for the heart, it lowers stress and blood pressure, it helps you sleep, it supports your immune system, your mood, your mental health, and your confidence.
[3:00]It's even associated with longer life.
[3:04]Number three, it's good for your marriage. The third is the bond itself.
[3:09]A fulfilling sexual connection is one of the deepest forms of intimacy two people can share. It builds trust and goodwill, it deepens affection, lowers conflict, and creates a sense of camaraderie that sustains a marriage even through the hardest times.
[3:28]Number four, it's good for your kids. And the fourth is that a strong, affectionate marriage happens to be the single best environment we know of for raising secure, happy children.
[3:41]Children who grow up watching two parents love each other, learn what love is supposed to look like, and they carry that into their own lives and their own relationships for years to come.
[3:53]So, it's not just sex. It's an integral part of a complex system, a vital pillar of health as important as any other.
[4:03]And when sex is in its rightful place, almost every other part of your life will improve. Now, if any of that has sparked even a flicker of maybe this does matter more than I thought, then good, because that's what we're going to build on.
[4:20]This is where wanting begins to take shape, where it solidifies is in the doing, and that's what I want to talk about now.
[4:29]Not everybody wakes up bursting to hit the gym, but if you take your health seriously, you don't wait to feel motivated because you might never go.
[4:39]So, you go anyway because you know that once you get moving, you'll be glad you showed up. Sex in marriage is exactly the same.
[4:49]If you wait for physical compulsion, you might be waiting a very long time, and so might your spouse.
[4:55]So, the decision comes first. Motivation often follows action, and action is always a choice.
[5:04]However, that choice has to come with an internal green light, because there's a world of difference between not quite being in the mood and a full-body no.
[5:15]Once you're past 30, not always being in the mood is normal, and starting without much of an urge, then finding you're enjoying yourself once you get going is normal, too.
[5:25]But a full-body no is something else entirely. If the light is red, then you stop and you investigate why your body is saying no.
[5:37]Because it's a signal you have important work to do. It often means there's contempt or resentment that's built up between you, or trauma that's never been dealt with.
[5:47]Or a lifestyle that starved your sexual self of every nutrient it needs. Whatever it is, you can't push through it. You have to look at it.
[5:58]But look you must, because a vibrant, healthy sex life is essential if you want your marriage to thrive. So, remember, a no is always the start of a long conversation, never the end of a short one.
[6:11]But when the light is green, then we get to the more interesting questions. How often should we be having sex, and how do we make it as fulfilling as possible?
[6:22]Let's start with how often. The research on this is clear.
[6:26]The largest study we have looked at over 30,000 people and found that for couples, relationship satisfaction climbs as sex becomes more frequent up to about once a week.
[6:39]After that, the benefits plateau. However, and I'm going out on a limb here, in my experience, both with couples and in my own marriage, once a week is the baseline, and three where possible is worth aiming for.
[6:55]Not for the sake of the number, but for what comes with it. Here's why.
[7:00]That study measured satisfaction, and satisfaction on a questionnaire isn't quite the same as thriving, is it? Yes, weekly is genuinely good.
[7:12]You get the health benefits, you get the bond. You're well above the sexual poverty line, but weekly can become the box you tick when everything else is done.
[7:22]There's a sort of maintenance feel to it, like taking your vitamins. Three is a different level.
[7:27]Because at three, you have to think about each other a lot more. It becomes something you're actively considering on a daily basis.
[7:37]For a couple, this means more talking, more getting comfortable being vulnerable, fewer frustrations, and more smiles at the breakfast table.
[7:47]It lifts the marriage up because it forces you to prioritize each other in a way little else can. And to me, that's the whole point.
[8:02]You want a thriving marriage, yes, not just a satisfactory one, then make sex a project, and I mean that literally.
[8:07]I think about our sex life the way I think about our money, or our health, or raising our son.
[8:15]It's not something I leave to chance, or something I only deal with when I feel like it. It's something I tend to on purpose, and with love because it matters.
[8:30]And it's always with a bright green light. And building it isn't mysterious. It's the clothes I wear, the friendships I keep, the media I let in, how I treat my body, whether I make time for the outdoors.
[8:44]The conversations my husband and I make space for. And it has nothing whatsoever to do with being horny, and everything to do with both of us choosing consciously to remain colorful and playful in a world full of flat, dull, sexless marriages. Not for me, thanks.
[9:05]Sex shouldn't be a chore, or a commodity, or something one of you controls. It's meant to be a shared adventure pursued hand-in-hand.
[9:16]It's where everything you've built together is expressed through the body, skin-to-skin, where two become one, a place where you can heal, grow, forgive, connect, find courage, be vulnerable, play, and be seen and known in a way nothing else can match.
[9:37]That so many couples never get there is a genuine tragedy, but it doesn't just happen, not for anyone.
[9:44]So, find your green light, however you need to. Today could literally be the day you start to transform your marriage.
[9:54]If anything here sounds intriguing and you'd like some support putting it into practice, you can reach out to me and all my team at LauraHow.com, and we'll be happy to help.
[10:04]I've also just opened two new communities, the Good Wife Club and the Good Husband Club. Each is a monthly live Zoom call with me, a private space to ask questions, exclusive video content from me, and a group of others to support you.
[10:21]Founding member places are open now, so I'll leave links in the description. And if you found this helpful, you might also like this video where I talk about why sex isn't just a want but a genuine need.
[10:34]Let me know your thoughts in the comments and please do subscribe if these conversations are useful to you. I'll see you next week. In the meantime, to yourselves and to others, tell the truth.
