[0:00]I swore I would never make this video. But finally I've decided to because it's almost big 2025. It's literally just around the corner.
[0:11]And for some reason, the conversation around situationships still exists. People still want advice on how I I just can't, I can't.
[0:22]And so I've decided to make this video to once and for all finish the conversation around situationships before we enter a whole new year.
[0:29]So listen up, and disclaimer, if you are here because you think I'm going to give you advice on how to make a situationship work or give you reassurance in the situation, you are very, very wrong.
[0:38]Why am I so opposed to situationships you ask? Well, they are extremely emotionally draining. They aren't even the bare minimum standard. They are several steps below that.
[0:47]They leave you unfulfilled, keep you from your true potential and the true love and relationship that you could have had.
[0:52]At the core of a situationship, you essentially have to sell yourself short. And I'm so sick of seeing so many gorgeous girls doing themselves this disservice.
[0:59]And the thing is, so many of you know that situationships are wrong. That's the whole reason why you're probably searching this on social media or why you even clicked on this video.
[1:07]Because you want a solution. You want a better reality, but you can't find it within you to be able to find the solution and the answer and the strength to move on.
[1:14]And well, that's what I'm here for. And before I get right into the video of giving you the ick around situationships, beating them for good, and basically giving you all the mindset shifts you need to level up and never be in that situation again.
[1:25]Be sure to check out all of the links below in my description where you can catch up with me and my self-development content on literally every other platform.
[1:31]I upload daily literally everywhere. I have two other YouTube channels, one of which includes my podcast.
[1:36]I have an entire book teaching you about self-love and it even talks a little bit about situationships in there. It's available to order worldwide on Amazon.
[1:43]And lastly, I'd like to give a big thank you to BetterHelp who have brought this video to you guys because they are the paid partners of this video.
[1:50]If you don't know what BetterHelp is, it's basically an online therapy service which helps you take your mental health and your well-being to the next level from the comfort of your own home.
[1:58]And this is because you can actually take your therapy sessions via phone call, video chat or even messaging. Their mission is to make therapy super accessible, comfortable and according to your preferences.
[2:07]All you have to do to get started is fill out a few questions to help assess your specific needs and then you'll get matched with your therapist in most cases within 48 hours or less.
[2:16]And if the therapist your first matched with isn't quite the right fit, which can be super common in therapy, then you don't need to worry.
[2:23]BetterHelp will literally rematch you with a different therapist at no extra cost. I think therapy so unnecessarily has a stigma around it.
[2:30]And a lot of people don't realize that it literally doesn't matter what you're going through.
[2:33]I think so many people can sell themselves short on how bad their problems really are, but that's not actually the case when it comes to therapy.
[2:40]You could literally just be struggling with an actual situationship and you can go to therapy because that person has all of the qualifications.
[2:47]All of the skills and is going to have all of the right tools at their disposal to help you through that problem no matter how big or small it is.
[2:54]Like why wouldn't you literally want to go to the best source of information and psychology and well-being help that you could possibly get no matter what you're struggling with.
[3:03]So that you can finally level up into the best version of yourself. And if that sounds like something that you really want to do, then consider online therapy with BetterHelp.
[3:10]You can go to betterhelp.com/tamkaur to get 10% off your first month of therapy with BetterHelp.
[3:15]Okay, class is in session. Let's get right into it with giving you the ick so that you will finally put off situationships for good.
[3:22]Okay, so firstly, I need you to realize that a situationship brings all of the benefits of a relationship without any of the labels.
[3:29]Essentially, you are letting somebody else gain complete access to you, to your feelings, to your emotion, to your life without any of the commitment or loyalty.
[3:38]And let me tell you, in case you have forgotten, you did not work on yourself, overcome all of your struggles and adversities, set yourself goals to become better,
[3:47]And aim to make your inner child proud every single day just to let somebody else who hasn't even earned you, gain complete access to you and therefore gain the power to be able to break you down.
[3:58]Ew. My second point is that the situation within a situationship doesn't even exist. So make it make sense.
[4:06]In a situationship, you basically feel like you're in a relationship, right? You have all of the same feelings. You have all of the same like thoughts in your head.
[4:12]But the thing is, those are just feelings. They're not reality.
[4:15]Your feelings in this situation are clouding your judgment to the point that it is giving you false hope of a reality that doesn't even exist.
[4:24]Not only doesn't exist, but isn't possible because if it was possible, you would already be a girlfriend. They would have displayed romantic interest, commitment and loyalty and would have treated you as such.
[4:35]Most importantly, I think one of the most common mistakes people make in a situationship, which makes them stay there for so long, is that you're not actually observing what's happening in the moment.
[4:43]Because you're too busy daydreaming of a future that hasn't even arrived yet. To be brutally honest, you are more in love with the idea of the person, not the person themselves and the idea of what you can have.
[4:56]Because in actuality, nothing has happened yet. Meaning, all of these things that you're getting feelings from, it's not actually that person. It's you.
[5:04]You're the one who's putting the feelings to it. You're the one who's putting the mindset and the emotions to it and that's not a bad thing. That just goes to show your energy, your intent, your romance.
[5:12]Everything that you can bring to a relationship, which guess what is going to follow you no matter where you go, especially when you end up going to the right partner that's going to treat you right.
[5:20]This person hasn't put anything on the table. You're doing all of it right in here. And I get what makes you stay sometimes. They'll act super interested.
[5:28]They'll be super romantic. They'll tell you how much they like you. They'll even spend a lot of time with you, but their actions do not match these so-called feelings they are attempting to show you.
[5:39]They have not proven themselves or treated you in accordance to how much they say they like you. And this leads me into my third point that's going to help you get the ick for good from situationships, which is that people can only meet you as far as they have met themselves.
[5:51]If somebody else is choosing not to make an effort, not to make it official, not to give you commitment and loyalty and time and effort, that does not determine or measure your value or your attractiveness or your worthiness as a person.
[6:05]It is actually a reflection of the level of depth that they have in the relationship they have with themselves. And it goes back to what I said previously.
[6:13]All of these ideas of a future you have with them, all of this romance, everything that could be, right, all of these good scenarios you've built up in your head, is a reflection of what you bring to the table.
[6:21]A reflection of how positive your mindset is around everything that you would bring to a romantic relationship. And with the way they are showing up, it just goes to show they lack all of that.
[6:31]You cannot expect somebody who does not accept their own emotions, let alone be in tune with it enough to be able to show up for another person that they claim they like so much, to be in tune with your emotions.
[6:41]You guys are never going to be a match on any level. My fourth ick point is that a situationship only benefits one person, and that person is never going to be you.
[6:50]You are pouring so much into them and they're not even giving you the bare minimum of commitment and loyalty to you. That's like the first standard on the bare minimum list.
[7:02]So does that really sound like a fair deal? And this leads me onto my fifth point, which is that if I had to make a metaphor out of what a situationship is, it would be the fact that you are essentially letting this other person just shop around.
[7:15]They're just shopping around, wandering around the store for hours on end, just window shopping, just looking at things for the sake of it instead of fully committing.
[7:23]And you are so much more valuable than that and you should never ever be anybody's second option. You should be the item in a shops window display that is so effing good that it makes somebody change their whole plan day because now they have to go into that store and buy the top immediately because they know it's so effing good and will fit into their life so effing well.
[7:39]Also, situationships are just full of confusion. That's all they are. And anything that ever makes you feel uncertain or uneasy in your life does not deserve to stay there.
[7:48]Our main mission in this life is just to be happy. It is just to live a content life that's easy, that gets us through every single day, that makes us happy with our existence in the reality that we experience every single day.
[7:57]Why are you choosing to keep something in it which takes you away from that mission, which lowers your energetic vibration, your mood, your mental health and most importantly your happiness, doesn't make sense.
[8:07]The right things that align to you, that you're supposed to have in your life, always feel clear. That's why you have good instincts about things. That's why you have positive feelings about people and then things work out.
[8:16]But constantly having to question somebody's feelings about you is exhausting and such an unfair daily ritual that you are taking on for yourself.
[8:24]That is draining your energy and taking away your time and effort, which could so easily be spent on other things that are going to benefit you, your happiness, the people around you and your future.
[8:33]Next, I think it's really important to say that yes, this person you're in a situationship with doesn't have to be an evil, bad person with really negative intentions.
[8:42]They're not out here trying to take advantage of you, right? Maybe they just struggle in relationships. Maybe they can't find the right time. Maybe they're trying to work on themselves.
[8:50]But guess what? It is not healthy, nor self-loving, to put your own needs and your own desires to decide just to keep someone else in your life.
[8:59]Because what about what you want? And what about what you deserve? And what about what your standards are? You are pushing all of that aside just to make room for somebody because they are in a tougher place in their life.
[9:10]But you are suffering as a result of it. And why aren't they considering that in the way that you consider them and their struggles?
[9:17]My eighth situationship ick point is actually something that has helped me get through so many breakups. And this is a little activity that I want you to do real quick.
[9:25]I want you to imagine spending years, like multiple years of your life, stuck in a situationship with the same person, never getting out, never eventually getting into relationship, never moving on.
[9:35]And then after two or three years have passed, I want you to imagine somebody sends you a video that shows you what your life would have been like if you didn't spend those two to three years with that person.
[9:44]And what that video shows you is you meeting the right person that ticked off every single one of your standards. Someone who is intentional, who chooses you, who wines and dines you, who is such a romantic, who makes you laugh.
[9:55]Who helps and encourages you to grow, who adds value to your life, and most importantly, is working on themselves so much that guess what? They know what they want.
[10:03]And it makes you realize that instead of wasting time on uncertainties and ifs and buts and maybes, you could've been building a meaningful connection with somebody who was committed to you from the start.
[10:16]Now, hopefully, I think you do have a complete ick around situationships and you are so done even entertaining the conversation around them anymore or watching advice videos on how to make them work.
[10:26]Ew. Now we can move on to chapter number two, which is beating situationships for good and these are actions that you can implement literally right now like today.
[10:33]To make sure that you are never in the situationship again. You can ultimately protect your mood, your energy, your standards, your life.
[10:40]And step number one is to let go of the what ifs. Moving on from a situationship is only hard because you get attached to the potential of what this relationship or person could be.
[10:49]But since we've already gone through chapter number one of all of the icks, now you are no longer accepting or romanticizing the situationship, which means now it's easier to move on from.
[10:58]But just in case that you do slip into old patterns, which is completely fine, okay, healing is not a linear journey. It happens to everybody.
[11:05]And you find yourself questioning, what if this could happen or what if they change or what if we are going to be super intentional?
[11:10]And from now on, whenever we're thinking about anything, we can feel all of the emotions, okay? That is completely okay. You cannot filter out which emotions and thoughts come into your mind, okay?
[11:19]Nobody can control that, but we can do is understand that when you are starting to think something that begins with what if about the situationship or this person, you are instead going to turn it into a sentence that you are going to write into a list on the notes app of your phone or in your journal as one of the many reasons as to why this is never going to work.
[11:37]So that the next time you decide to romanticize or fall into nostalgia when it comes to this person situationship, you are not going to go back there for example.
[11:46]If you're what if thought is, but what if they get over their commitment issues and heartbreak from all of their previous relationships.
[11:52]Instead of then falling in love with the idea of what that situation would be because it doesn't exist, you are instead going to write into your list of why I should never be with x person and write down x has commitment issues.
[12:05]Action number two is, please don't internalize it. Because although situationships suck, and although I'm so sorry that you were in this situationship, let me tell you, this is going to be a great resource and building block, if you will, to building up your self-love.
[12:21]Depending on how you choose to perceive it, it can either break down your confidence and your self-esteem by making you think, oh my God, nobody's ever going to love me and nobody wants to be in a relationship with me.
[12:30]That is not good for anybody. Anybody. That is not facts. Nobody has told you that. You are choosing to think it. And so instead that means we also hold the power to shift that thought to something that benefits us.
[12:42]Lifts us up, improves our confidence and make sure that we can improve our reality. Because whatever you think about yourself and life is what you are going to continuously attract and therefore experience in your reality.
[12:53]So instead, I wasn't good enough and I will never be good enough for anybody because of the way they treated me, turns into their behavior is simply a reflection of what they have gone through, their own traumas, their mindset and their inability to work on themselves.
[13:07]I am so grateful that I understood that, separated myself. I'm no longer dealing with that, which now gives me all of the time and all of the opportunity to find somebody who is actually going to benefit me and bring value into my life. Wow, I have so much strength and so much confidence that I realized somebody wasn't good for me and I walked away.
[13:26]Go me. Action number three is to give it time and feel everything. I am never going to endorse that you go through a breakup or end a situationship, and then it's like, move on. Forget about them. Don't think about them. Whatever they were irrelevant. No.
[13:40]Just because somebody was bad for you or because they didn't treat you in the way that you deserve, does not rob you of your entitlement to be able to feel your feelings.
[13:49]It doesn't matter how somebody else treated you. If you are sad about something, you get to be sad about it, regardless. And you need to let yourself feel that. You know why? Because one is actually going to be able to help you process, okay? We already know that. But two,
[13:59]If you are sad about this two, three months, and this is actually like real heartbreak pain, and you feel it and you go through it and you heal, one, not only do you glow up and level up because now you've learned even more information on how to process your feelings and move on. But two, you have actually healthily moved on.
[14:15]Because you've gone through all of the steps rather than just covering it up with superficial things and just trying to forget about them. But three, because you felt every single painful emotion that comes from a situationship, you are never going to get in it again.
[14:29]Let me tell you, girl, because if you end one, suppress it, just try to go about your day and ignore it, you are so much more likely to fall into another one. Because you never understood the signs and the red flags as to what got you there.
[14:39]You never understood the actual pain and the turmoil and the aftermath of what it means to end one and have to deal with the aftermath of that.
[14:48]And the last action is to go no contact. A lot of people don't like this. I hated it. I never wanted to do it.
[14:53]I thought, you know, people come to our last for a reason and all of this in the season, so true. So true. Okay, but here's the thing. If something is causing you so much pain and heartbreak and you can't stop romanticizing it and you can't stop the nostalgia, at that point, you need to cut the cord.
[15:07]And that does mean blocking the number and the social media, deleting all of the text messages, throwing away all of the belongings, and even deleting every single picture of them in your camera roll.
[15:18]That was the one I really struggled with and I remember telling some of my friends that I did that to my ex of two years, like relationship two years, deleted every single picture. And they looked at me like, I can't believe you did that. That was two years of your life.
[15:31]But I had to cut the cord at some point because I tried every other breakup method out there and nothing was working because I would find myself looking back on these pictures, reading through all text, romanticizing it, which negates all of the bad, logical facts.
[15:43]And replaces them with all of the emotions that overrides the truth of what that relationship was, which is that it was bad and toxic for me to be in.
[15:52]I had to do the favor for my future self that I'm no longer going to think about this. In fact, this person is now going to be completely erased from my memory.
[16:01]Because the longer time passes, what I cannot remember what their face looks like, because I can't see a picture of them. The easier it's going to be to move on. And guess what, as much as it sucked and hurt in the moment, I healed.
[16:13]There was nothing to romanticize or go back to anymore. Every single memory I was clinging on to, and my head slowly slowly slowly faded away. And that brings us onto the last chapter of the video.
[16:21]Which is not only mindset shifts to help you on this journey, but also actions and things to believe in and things to do from now on to now. Only guarantee happiness and actual relationships in your life. Aka, situationships are done.
[16:35]You don't even know what they are. You literally don't know what that word means because you were never going to experience that again. Let's get into it.
[16:41]Step number one, I'm going to need you to be a little bit obsessed with yourself. Scratch that. A lot obsessed with yourself. Because let me tell you something.
[16:48]When you fully understand your worth, when you fully know what you bring to the table, no one's messing you around. Like literally, no, no one's messing you around. When you like your life, when you love who you are, the mistakes you make, how you make them, what your life looks like, doesn't have to be perfect.
[17:02]You know, you don't have to achieve all of your goals, but you like where it's going. You like how you deal with things. You like the person that you're growing into because of the work you're doing on yourself.
[17:13]Let somebody try. Let somebody try and take advantage of you or like make you settle for less than you deserve. No. Because now you are fully aware of what you deserve. And because you are working on yourself and because you are being more intentional and self-aware about all the things there are to love about you.
[17:28]You're never going to settle for less. And if you want advice on this, then I highly recommend you guys listen to my podcast Self-Obsessed, because every single episode, we don't talk about dating on there. We literally talk about how to be more obsessed with yourself.
[17:40]All of the actions and the mindset shifts you need to be able to achieve that. The second action/mindset shift you need to take is to embrace being alone. And I say this because this completely transformed my life.
[17:50]And I've spoken about it so many times, my self-love journey and deciding to quit dating, quit talking to boys for an entire year, changed everything. Because I was that girl that was dating constantly, constantly always talking to a boy, always needed male validation.
[18:03]Was always falling for guys that were never treating me in the way that I deserve. Was always like giving me barely bare minimum.
[18:07]It was when I fell in love with my own company and realized that I could experience life on my own. That life was really, really good on my own. I fell in love with that so much and gave myself so much happiness from that. Why would I be in a situationship?
[18:18]Because if I can give myself all of this, I'm taking myself on dates. I'm I'm bringing myself flowers. I'm spoiling myself. I'm giving myself self-love, self-care, compliments, all of this.
[18:26]You have to like go above that. Otherwise there's literally no point. Now that I've accomplished that mindset, do you really think I would ever be in a situationship? Absolutely not. And honestly, that's literally the secret key.
[18:39]And there are so many ways you can do this. I have free videos on my YouTube channel on working on your mindset, leveling up, self-love videos, but if you're a reader and you would like to, then you can also purchase my book, Buy Yourself the Damn Flowers on Amazon.
[18:50]Because that is the complete detailed guide of how to do it, how to achieve it, understand it, heal from it, actionable steps. So definitely check that out if you want to. And the final step I'm going to share for this video is probably what I think is the most powerful one.
[19:04]And that is to recognize your own patterns and old behaviors as to why you brought certain situations, situationships into your life.
[19:15]That is where all of the answers, all of the trauma, all of the questions you need to know to embark on your healing journey lies. Why did you get into the situationship? Why did you allow that person into your life?
[19:25]What did you feel like they were going to give you? What did you feel like you were lacking? What did you want to gain from it? Why did you stay for so long? What was your mindset during that?
[19:35]Those answers are going to be different for everybody, but once you get them, that's how you start to work backwards from it and heal those things that were missing in you that allowed you to accept somebody who who wasn't there for you and who wasn't meeting your standards.
[19:47]And who was hurting you in the process of being in your life and and ignoring your desires and your fulfillment. But most importantly, there was a little bit where you were hurting yourself too.
[19:55]By consistently staying in a situation that you knew was bad for you. That you knew wasn't what you wanted. There is no little girl within all of us that grows up and thinks, I wanna be in a situationship one day.
[20:08]Nobody grows up wanting a situationship. And yet so many of us accept it. Why? Once you realize the why, that is when you can finally nip those behaviors and those thoughts in the buds so that you never find yourself in that situation again.
[20:23]And that you can finally turn yourself into a relationship only girl and never ever just getting into situationships with people just for the sake of having attention and company and temporary kindness. Why? Because you were already giving that to yourself.
[20:38]And that brings us to the end of this video. Woo. You know what? The reason I said at the beginning this video I'm never going to film this video is because I literally just thought the entire conversation around situationships was so stupid like it irritated me.
[20:50]I was like, I'm not even going to like validate this word by creating a piece of content on it. Like no. Now that I've done it, I feel very passionate. Like my heart is racing a little bit because I really got into that.
[21:01]And if it gave you some clarity, if it most importantly gave you the ick, please comment down below and let me know if it did, because I would love that. Situationships, that word staying in 2024.
[21:09]It shouldn't have even come into 2024, but I don't want to see it anymore, okay? We deserve so much more than this. We are capable of so much more than this. I want us all to grow and heal and level up and be self-loving together. We can create such a beautiful life.
[21:23]We got this. You got this. I appreciate you. Thank you so much for watching. I know I'll see you same time next week on Friday for brand new video. Love ya.
