[0:00]If you are a person who has been doing countless affirmations or trying to do all the right things but still you're left wondering why am I not truly confident in the way I show up in the world, then I want you to hear this one thing.
[0:13]Confidence is not something that you force. Confidence is something that you remember when you actually heal all the things which made you not confident in the very first place.
[0:25]It is not about actually pretending to be fearless in nature, but it's actually about healing all the parts of you that believes that you are not enough, because it's not a mask you put on in front of other people, just so that you temporarily appear that you are confident.
[0:41]But it is something that you truly embody from within, and the confidence that you seek, which I call it as godlike confidence, is not something that you are trying to chase.
[0:51]It's something that comes to you when you have gone through the process of deep repair within yourself. So, if you're new here, I'm Vaish and I'm a men's relationship coach.
[1:00]And I help men heal their traumas, attachment issue and wounded masculinity in order for them to pursue meaningful connection with women. Now if you want to work on your traumas, your attachment style or even your confidence and your self-worth, you can reach out to me through Instagram.
[1:16]DM me the keyword coach so that you can book a session with me where I'll be doing things like hypnotherapy and working with you to rewire you at a subconscious level.
[1:27]The first thing I want to talk about is that confidence is something that is actually built in your subconscious and not in the mind. A lot of men try to think their way into confidence, which is only utilizing 5% of your brain.
[1:40]That's your conscious mind, but your entire personality is actually controlled by your subconscious mind, which is 95% of what you are.
[1:50]All your actions, all the things that you even think about yourself, comes from your subconscious and this is where your deepest wounds, your shadow, your traumas are actually stored.
[2:01]So these are the things that actually makes your personality, the way you think, the way you act, the things that you believe about yourself. And when you're trying to become confident, you are actually rewiring yourself at a cellular subconscious level.
[2:14]And your subconscious, which actually holds all your childhood wounds, all the rejections that you've faced, even if you've gone through any sort of bullying in your childhood, it forms a belief system that hey, I'm not good enough and there is something wrong with me.
[2:30]And even if there is a little bit of that belief system in your subconscious mind, it actually affects the way you show up in the world and it also affects your confidence.
[2:38]And let's say if you've gone through rejection or, you know, any kind of bullying, until your body actually feels it is safe to be seen, until your heart actually feels it is safe for you to speak your truth, and until your nervous system believes that it is safe for you to receive love.
[2:55]Confidence is something that you wear like a mask, because if you truly don't feel safe to even speak out your mind, you're truly pretending by trying to be confident, which is not something that's going to last for a very long time.
[3:10]So you want to focus on actually rewiring yourself at a subconscious level so that it's not something that you have to remind yourself again and again.
[3:18]Now the second thing I want to talk about is before you actually take actions, firstly create a sense of inner safety.
[3:24]Now, if you're working with me, what I tell my clients is before you do anything, firstly, regulate yourself. Firstly, remind yourself that you are good enough, that your wounds does not define you, your past does not define you.
[3:38]And for this to happen, you actually have to time travel back into your past and rewrite a new story in your mind, because there is an origin point for this thought in your brain that you are not good enough.
[3:50]So before you do anything, try to create that sense of safety within you, which you can do through meditations, which you can do through journaling and try to find the root cause of what is the reason that you don't even feel confident in the very first place.
[4:03]Because if you have a disregulated nervous system, what truly happens is you will panic, you will overthink, all those old stories where someone made fun of you or you got bullied actually comes to the surface.
[4:15]And this is where you care more about what people in front of you truly think of you, because a true confident person does not actually care about, you know, what people think of them.
[4:26]Now, take me for instance, when I create content and when I actually decided that hey, I'm going to target men, did I not have any kind of thoughts in my head.
[4:34]I knew for a fact there was a lot of men out there who are not going to appreciate a woman telling them what to do. But did I care? No, because it doesn't matter if someone receives the things that I say or not.
[4:45]And it's this exact attitude that I adopted, which actually helps me speak fearlessly, even when I'm recording content for that matter of fact, because people's opinion doesn't matter to me.
[4:56]Even if, you know, someone is dropping any hate comment, it truly doesn't matter to me because they are looking at it from their lens, they are wearing red color glasses and they see the world in red color.
[5:07]But if it truly affected me, then it would show up in the way I speak in front of you guys and it would affect me actually talking about any controversial topic for that matter of fact.
[5:18]But at the end of the day, you truly need to be in a state of indifference where no one's compliment or no one's negative comment can even affect you in the very first place, because this is a place where you don't seek external validation.
[5:31]And it is not the absence of fear that happens here. It's actually the ability to hold that fear, but not let that fear stop you from speaking your mind out or speaking things that you want to say or even going after any dreams that you want to achieve, even before you think of what others are going to actually think about you.
[5:48]But for me to reach this stage, I truly had to heal myself. I had a subconscious belief system inside me because of my traumas that I'm not good enough.
[5:59]I'm not worthy of, you know, actually receiving the words that I'm speaking of. Why would anyone even listen to me? But these are the belief systems that I had to attack firstly and from there on is where I actually started building that sense of confidence.
[6:14]So I had to regulate my nervous system and heal myself even before I decided to start my YouTube channel because early on, I did have that fear, what are people going to think.
[6:25]But eventually it didn't matter to me because I knew for a fact that these videos are actually going to reach someone who truly needs to hear these words and if I care about people who don't receive these things.
[6:37]I'm actually stopping my voice to reach people who really need these tips for that matter of fact. The third thing I want to talk about is how to heal the root and not just the symptom.
[6:47]You not having the confidence is just a symptom, but there's a deeper reason for it. And the lack of confidence is rarely about, you know, surface level things like why do you not speak confidently on that first date.
[6:59]Why do you hesitate when you're speaking to your colleagues or making any kind of a presentation? It goes deep down into your childhood because your childhood time is where your subconscious is wide open.
[7:12]And if you have any kind of negative experiences there, where, you know, maybe your parents criticized you, your friends criticized you or anyone made fun of you, even that small incident can create a big subconscious belief system that actually governs you even today.
[7:27]And until you heal that original wound, doesn't matter how many affirmations you are going to say, because that wound is still infected and you saying affirmations is actually putting a band aid on top of the wound without actually treating the wound in itself.
[7:42]And how you can attack the root is through inner child work, which is something I do with my clients. You can actually sit in a state of meditation, you can go back in your mind to that one particular instance which affected your confidence.
[7:56]And try to do a lot of inner child work where you're actually giving love to those parts of you which felt rejected and this is not something you can do overnight.
[8:05]It's not something you do one time and you feel that okay, that wound is fixed, it's something you have to do again and again, maybe for few weeks or months because no matter how many years you've been alive.
[8:15]You're actually fighting against those many years of subconscious programming and limiting beliefs in your mind. The fourth thing I want to talk about is emotion leads and action follows.
[8:26]Now what do a lot of people do? So let's take an example of someone actually starting a business. Someone has a dream of being an entrepreneur, what they do is they actually make a business plan, try to work on the actions.
[8:37]Try to execute the things that they're supposed to do, but in the process of doing this, a lot of negative things actually comes to the surface, a lot of limiting belief.
[8:47]What if I don't succeed? What if this is an utter failure? And not just that if someone comes and tells you, hey, maybe you won't succeed. It's very hard for you to succeed as a businessman. What do you do then?
[8:59]You subconsciously capture onto those negative words and it gets registered in your mind and you think of it enough times. And when you think of a conscious thought so many times, it naturally goes into your subconscious.
[9:12]Your subconscious doesn't know what's right or what's wrong, whatever you believe in, be it positive or be it negative, it completely absorbs it like a sponge.
[9:22]But at the same time, before you start anything, what I truly recommend people do is try to visualize yourself becoming rich, try to visualize yourself becoming successful in your entrepreneurship.
[9:35]Now this is just an example that I'm giving. You can apply this to any area of your life, be it even in your job or be it even in a project that you want to take up.
[9:43]First tell your nervous system that hey, it's possible for me to achieve this goal, visualize so many times in your mind that not achieving it actually feels impossible, because I always believe that you have a thought to do something because there is a part of you that is meant to do it.
[10:00]But then the ego comes up with a lot of fear and a lot of limiting belief and that is the exact same thing that you have to conquer for you to step to the other side.
[10:10]Because think of it this way, if you do want to start a business, you're not saying hey you want to be a national level football player, because there's a part of you that possibly cannot achieve it.
[10:19]But you're saying you want to be an entrepreneur because there's a part of you that somewhere believes that hey, maybe it's possible for you to achieve that success. But for you to achieve that, you have to first unlock and demolish all the fears that's inside your brain.
[10:35]Because that's the one thing that's actually going to cause you to self sabotage your own dreams. So if you achieve that emotional state of being successful, and if you achieve that emotional state of, you know, getting anything that you want, it actually goes deeper into your subconscious.
[10:51]Because feelings are the language of your subconscious and when you visualize yourself achieving that goal, when you visualize yourself achieving that dream of yours, you are telling your subconscious, hey, this is a reality that is possible for me.
[11:04]And your subconscious is smarter than you can even imagine. It's a pool of untapped potential, and if you impress any thought into your subconscious, eventually your subconscious will come up with an idea.
[11:17]Maybe one fine day when you're driving, you might get a beautiful idea, which is actually going to lead you to that place of success that you truly desire.
[11:25]The fifth thing I want to talk about is building that amazing level of confidence is actually you changing your personality and it is you building a new identity all together.
[11:36]And confidence is not something that you do, confidence is something that you become, it's something that you embody, and this is at an identity and a personality level.
[11:46]It's all about what do you feel about yourself. Do you think of yourself as someone who is worthy of receiving success, who is worthy of getting love, who is worthy of getting, you know, respect from other people.
[12:00]It's all about the small actions that you take from a place of alignment. It is about how you feel in your own body because if you truly love yourself, if you truly respect yourself, it shows up even in your body language.
[12:13]People who are confident, they have a different kind of body language. They have a different kind of presence. The moment they enter a room, people actually look at them because they have a magnetic aura, they have a magnetic energy field.
[12:28]And energy is real, people can feel it. But at the same time, if there is someone who's dealing with a lot of trauma, who's dealing with a lot of anxiety, negative belief, self-doubt.
[12:38]Most of the times it shows up in their body language. Usually they'll have a hunched shoulder, they don't make direct eye contact because they don't truly feel that sense of fearlessness when it comes to dealing with people.
[12:51]So the more you actually heal your traumas, right, the more that authentic version of you would come up. It's just a matter of time, but before you reach that stage, you have to do a lot of inner work.
[13:03]You have to love that parts of you which you actually hate. And it's not that you want to hate these parts, but others taught you to hate it because think of it this way, if you're constantly being criticized by your parents, a subconscious belief system is formed where you believe that there is something actually wrong with you.
[13:23]Because why would someone criticize someone who is perfectly good, right? So you adopted that mindset, hey, there is something wrong with me, even small little things.
[13:33]Where your parents actually compare how much you score to some of your friends or your neighbors, even that affects your confidence system where you unconsciously believe that your parents actually love the other person more than they love you, and they don't know what they're doing.
[13:48]And they're trying to do this for your betterment, but your brain doesn't work that way. Your brain absorbs the opposite message that hey, I'm not good enough. And some of the practical ways you can actually embody that level of confidence is doing somatic work, visualizing yourself.
[14:04]Speaking in front of people, doing that presentation, mental rehearsal is very important for you to actually change the structure of your brain, because what is subconscious rewiring? You are essentially manipulating your brain to believe in a reality that is possible, but not something that's still there in front of you.
[14:23]And this is how you actually change your brain. It's exactly like going to the gym and you work out a muscle enough time and that muscle actually starts growing. Your brain is also like a muscle when you feed it new programs.
[14:35]Eventually, the old programs in it will die out. You can even do affirmations, but affirmation is something that you have to keep on doing for a very long time because you have to keep thinking of the same thing again and again and again and again in your mind.
[14:50]But it's better to do this work of rewiring when you are in that alpha brainwave state, which is just before you go to bed and just after you wake up in the morning.
[15:01]Because these sleepy states, these are actually the times where your subconscious is wide open and if you think enough times that hey, I'm confident, I don't care what people think about me, you are actually pressing those affirmations into your subconscious as you fall asleep.
[15:17]And the next thing I want you to do is take one aligned action at a day, maybe send that message, sign up for that class, stop delaying your dreams and go after it fearlessly because if you're not going after your dreams and if you're not living up to your highest potential, you are anyways in the losing end.
[15:32]Might as well just do it. What's the worst that can happen? You will fail one time. How fast would you want to fail if you knew that after the 10th failure, the 11th time you're going to be ultra successful, wouldn't you want to fail extremely fast in this case?
[15:48]So go after it, one step at a time. I hope this episode was helpful and I'll see you guys in the next one.
