[0:07]I've been married about eight years, three kids. My my wife was raised by a mother who was a firefighter. Dad stayed home. So my wife grew up having seeing, you know, her mom have 90% of her co-workers were male and most of her friends were male. So contrast that with my upbringing. My parents ended their marriage, got divorced because of an affair. I have seen friends have affairs, aunts, uncles, you name it. Anyone and everyone. I feel like everyone's having an affair. And so all this is to give context of one of the biggest fights in our marriage is always been um, how do you have boundaries with the opposite sex? Um, I have always, my wife, the standpoint she has come from is she has felt controlled, like I'm behaving like a father and I have always come from the standpoint of, um, How do you not value our marriage enough to keep it safe? Does that make sense? 100%. So the context of this is to say about a year and a half ago, um, I found out my wife had had or was having an emotional affair. Okay. And for me at the time, it came out of nowhere. It it blindsided me. And um, and I was, and it touched a nerve because it was in this area that we've always struggled with and I've always been very anxious about is the boundaries, right? And um, so for her though, she said she had felt abandoned for about a year, year and a half prior. It wasn't out of nowhere. I just didn't see it.
[1:59]So, um, been working with the emotional affair for about a year. We were at the point of probably separating this last December. Um, but also kind of getting over at the same time. I know that probably sounds um, confusing, but No, not at all. It's a mess, dude. It's like, it's like throwing a a grenade in a living room, man. You don't I mean, just stuff everywhere. Well, I I guess I what I should say is after the year of kind of thinking about the emotional fair, I I started seeing where not that I had deserved and was responsible for the action she took. But where I had let a gap creep into our marriage. But hold on, back up. Did she ever in that 18 months when she felt abandoned, sit down and say, I feel abandoned? She cried to me for probably a year. Okay. Where were you?
[3:02]Are you there? You know, yeah, it was think. You know, John, honestly, it's hard to Cuz that cuz the way the way you painted that was, it came out of nowhere, but she been crying for you for a year saying, where's my husband? And you're like, that's good.
[3:51]Yeah, that's what she says. Yeah. A man is supposed to respond to his crying wife. But I mean, and by the way, bro, I've been there too. It's a hard lesson to learn.
[4:10]It is. It is. Now describe this emotional affair for me because that means so many different things to so many different people. Well, the reason I say it was there and dip it is me getting on your call was I last week I reached out Monday. I I've been thinking about reaching out to you for probably a year. John, I mean that. Um, and then Monday, I reach out in the morning to your show. Monday night, my wife sits me down and told me that it had not been an emotional fair, that it had been a physical affair. There you go. And that's why you haven't had a settled spirit for a year. Cuz your body knows the air is not clean in that house.
[5:03]When she told me I had two instant reactions. I had I started sitting there and I started just saying, no, no, no, as if me saying the words was going to make it. Rewind and not be true anymore. And the second was, I knew it. I don't feel crazy anymore. Yes. And I'm I'm going to challenge what you just told me. That no, no, no, was you squashed yourself. That was you talking to you. Cuz in your guts, you've known. John, I looked her in the eyes so many times in the last, the physical affair didn't happen till five months ago. So the emotional fair, Well, it continued. It stopped and then it picked back up as we, you know, probably two months before the physical happened. And then and then the, and then the lying, um, you know, and then hiding it for the next five months. And and honestly, John, we were talking about separating two weeks before she told me, two weeks ago, up until two weeks ago. And the one thing I looked at her and I told her, I said, if you, all I need to know is if you ever cheat on me, I need to know because I can I can't live with that.
[6:50]And so she let you know. Can you live with it? You know, John, this has been one of my biggest struggles because the second I found out, I was hurt more than I have ever been hurt in my entire life, John. Yeah. But at the same time, I was more afraid of losing her. I don't think that's right. And tell me if I'm wrong, okay? I think you're scared of losing like the reality of for whatever, I mean, what I'm hearing through your whole narrative here is you have a whole history of people letting you down. And you have a whole history of you believing that you let yourself down. And you swore to yourself you were going to be the one that was different. And you've laid in bed at night next to her while she's sleeping, knowing there's something un, un, something in the air isn't right. And you can't wrap your head around only seeing those three kids 50% of the time. I don't think this has to do with her. Because I get a lot of grief for this, dude. I'll give some, but I get emotional affairs. I get them.
[8:24]I get crushes. I get that. And but somebody calls it out and we sit down and we talk and we have it out and we have this, hey, you weren't here for me for 18 months. I sobbed for you for a year, and you say, my God, I'm so sorry. I missed it. I thought I was doing right by you and here we are. And this emotional affair did not become a physical affair. And it was a huge alarm system in our house and we got it. And we're back. And then she started texting him again, and then she started sleeping with him. Like the pain on top of that, bro, is like that's a, that's not just an oh my gosh and here, how do we find ourselves here? That is a willful, yeah, I don't care. I'm gonna spit my husband's face. He's not going anywhere. Yeah, she's said as much. Yeah. I'm heartbroken, brother. I'm sorry that happened to you. Well, I take that back. She hasn't she. No, she has, by their actions. She didn't have to say nothing. That's true. And so, the question is going to, the question you're going to have to ask is, can I trust her? And if I put a roadmap down that is a roadmap for her to rebuild trust with me, will she commit to that roadmap?
[13:12]That's what's before you. And maybe she feels a glimmer of hope because she finally pulled the pin on your old marriage and it's in ash now. And maybe it was exhausting trying to keep that house of cards up. The house of cards is over. And now maybe y'all want to build something with concrete and wood and bolts that's going to hold. I can see there being some hope there. But y'all going to have to reestablish trust with each other. You emotionally and her physically. What does that roadmap look like, John? You get to decide. I can't give that to you. Sometimes it is, I want to see every single text message you send. You cannot go hang out with other dudes without me anymore. I don't want to see you texting another grown man. And if she doesn't accept it, Then you get to say, I can't rebuild trust with you. And she gets to look at you and say, when I walk in the door, I want your phone to be down. I want you to see the whites of your eyes. I want you to look at me and say, I you're beautiful. I'm glad you're home. And you have get to say, actually, I think this deal is more important than you. Actually, I think finishing this report for work and getting one more thing done is more important than the kids. You get to decide that. I guess what I don't understand John, is how to say that without going back into. How do I say that without her feeling like I'm the dad again? You can't she gets to make up whatever bull crap story she wants. You can't you can't make her not feel a thing. She gets to choose that. Because here's the gross truth, you were right. Your intuition was right. And she made you feel stupid for watching a whole bunch of marriages burn down around you your whole life.
[15:06]And for you creating some boundaries that you you knew intuitively. These were like OG grandma wisdom things. Hey, if you hang out with a bunch of dudes, you might sleep with one of them. Or vice versa. Hey, you don't have a bunch of friends that are guys, they all would sleep with you if you would sleep with them. No, oh, yeah, they would. You know that. And you put it down and she made you feel stupid for that boundary and then here we are.
[15:33]So she can choose to look at your map that you say, hey, this is what it's going to take for me to trust you again enough to build something new with you. And she can say, well, that makes me feel like you're trying to be my dad. Okay. Then she is choosing to leave. But you can't control how she feels. So there's nothing in terms of agreements and I guess I struggle to how how does that.
[16:06]How do you set a boundary versus an agreement versus just, okay, I can't live this way. You're over intellectualizing it. You don't want to deal with it.
[16:19]Andrew, bro, you don't want to deal with this and I get it. It's painful, but you gotta deal with it. When you start trying to, like, what does this word mean? And what does this word me? Dude, you're just trying to circle the wagon. You don't want to go right through the middle of it. I'm telling you, the only way through this is right through the middle of it. And the action for you is to sit down with a yellow pad and a pen and write out what must be true for her to regain your trust over time. And write down, here's what is true about how you begged me for 18 months to hear my emotional cries and I ignored you for the next deal. I ignored our kids because I was making money. And you're going to put that road map down in front of her. If after writing all that stuff down you say, I want to continue this marriage. But I want you to get with a friend or get with a counselor and ask yourself honestly, do you want to be married to her and rebuild a life with her?
