[0:00]Security and thriving relationships are not about luck or just chemistry or meeting the right and perfect person. No, it is what happens when two people learn how to navigate a relationship through repair, through communication, and learn how to stay connected instead of feeling that they have to protect themselves from each other.
[0:22]This is something not a lot of us got experience seeing growing up, especially if you were insecurely attached.
[0:29]So in today's video, I'm going to break down for you in a lot of detail how to become secure with your partner in a relationship instead of feeling like every single conflict you have makes you drift apart further and further in your connection.
[0:48]The very first thing you want to just recognize, okay, before I give you some actual of the five tools here is that everybody has different programming.
[0:57]We have different programming based on our childhood experiences, and we have different wiring that we get in terms of what we expect love to look like, feel like, and be like.
[1:05]So each attachment style has different expectations for love, has different needs for how they want to be loved and what makes them feel loved, has different boundaries, has different hopes and dreams for what they think a loving relationship should be like.
[1:20]And if you have different programming from somebody, it's like having a different set of rules while playing the same board game, right?
[1:26]Like if you have different rules for the game and you're trying to sit down there and play it together, there's going to be all this chaos.
[1:34]Whereas if you can understand each other's rules in in terms of love, right, which are these sort of rules that we get programmed with, there's so much more that you can do that will open up the experience and make it more achievable to have a thriving relationship.
[1:46]And the very first thing that you have to be able to do is you have to be able to understand each other's core wounds.
[1:54]Everybody has core wounds. We don't have to do this in a very clinical way. It doesn't have to be like, what are your core wounds and do a worksheet.
[2:03]But what you can do is you can look at what are each other's pain points and sensitivities, what are the things that we take personal.
[2:07]And then what we have to be willing to do is acknowledge each other's core wounds and communicate about them, okay?
[2:12]So if some person, if one person has a big core wound sensitivity to fearing abandonment, and another person has a big core wound sensitivity to feeling trapped, we have to be able to acknowledge these things.
[2:22]Hey, I'm I'm going away with friends for the weekend.
[2:25]I know that you have this this wound around abandonment.
[2:29]I'll do my best to really check in with you, to shoot you a text.
[2:32]I love you, I care about you, I'm not going anywhere.
[2:36]See you on Monday, right? Like there has to be this ability to say, I know this is your pain point.
[2:44]I know that this is a sensitivity according to your programming. I'm not going to judge it, I'm not going to tell you it's silly. I'm going to understand that we each have our own sensitivities and I'm going to do my best to validate it to let you know I see it, and to do my best to just be considerate about you in that experience.
[2:54]And generally, there tends to be two or three major sensitivities per relationship.
[3:00]A lot of times people have more than two or three core wounds, for sure.
[3:03]Often more it's around like six or seven pretty solid ones.
[3:07]But there tends to be two or three major ones that we keep getting stuck on, that we keep butting heads around or having friction over.
[3:14]And a way you can ask yourself, okay, what is this, what is the pain point here is in your relationship dynamic, when you have an argument and can't work through it, what are you making it mean about you?
[3:28]So if somebody pulls away or they don't text you enough, what do you make it mean about you?
[3:32]I'm going to be abandoned. If somebody tells you you need to be taxing more often, what do you make it mean?
[3:38]Oh, there's something wrong with me, you know, I'm not doing a good enough job in the relationship.
[3:44]You think I'm not good enough. We have to be able to find what we how we personalize the challenges in our relationship and when you ask yourself, what do I make this challenge in our relationship mean about me, you'll see each of your sensitivities.
[3:54]And then if you can just be mindful of each other, you have no idea how long of a way this goes.
[3:59]Just to be kind, just to be mindful of each other. Hey, I'm not going to abandon you, I'm just going away with friends.
[4:05]I'll shoot you a couple reassuring texts over the weekend. Or, hey, I'm not trying to trap you, I'm going to honor that you need your time and, you know, take Friday to yourself, let's do something fun Saturday.
[4:12]If we can have these conversations goes an extremely long way to become securely attached with your partner.
[4:18]Second thing, we have to learn to communicate our needs.
[4:26]Often times, for different reasons, according to the attachment style, different people will have a hard time communicating their needs.
[4:34]Miss avoidance, it's almost like an unknown that they can even have needs from other people.
[4:38]Anxious preoccupied are scared that if they have too many needs, they're going to be a burden and then they'll get rejected.
[4:43]I mean, each person has an individual relationship.
[4:46]The reality is that you can't have a lasting thriving relationship unless you learn to talk about your needs.
[4:50]You're just going to at best have a relationship that you stay together for a long time and you're always in the power struggle stage and there's always a fight or a rollercoaster, a misunderstanding or bickering.
[4:59]That's not what I think anybody should want or strive for. What this means is you have to ask yourself, like, what do I want to see in a healthy relationship?
[5:05]What's important to me, what are some characteristics that I would like to see from my partner?
[5:10]What are the types of things I want to do together?
[5:13]What are the things that I want to have more of in the relationship?
[5:17]When you ask yourself this question, you want to sit down with your partner and ask them the same question and express to each other.
[5:21]And then what you can do is you can make an action plan, like, hey, if we each came up with four or five things, let's try to do one thing a week for each other intentionally and we'll just check in.
[5:24]Like if there's four or five things that you each want, hey, I'm going to try to meet one of yours each week, you try to meet one of mine each week.
[5:33]And we'll check in, and we'll try to like hold each other accountable, if we forget, we'll remind each other.
[5:38]And all of a sudden, we're building each of the relationship from our side until like the the best relationship possible because we're making sure that we're communicating about all the needs we would possibly want to have met and we're actioning it out.
[5:47]And so we allow the the relationship to be in a much more thriving space at this point.
[5:50]Huge stride forward for a lot of people.
[5:53]I just wanted to pop in here and let you know we are doing a seven-day free trial to the all access membership pass of PDS, which means you get access to literally everything inside of the school.
[6:02]And this includes the four live webinars I do with our students every single week.
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[6:10]We have over 55 different courses on relationships, communication, boundaries, emotional mastery, guilt and shame, learning your needs, so many different facets that are really important to master our lives and feel really good about our lives going forward.
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[6:42]Number three, you have to look at what your boundaries are and we have to honor them.
[6:47]You can think of needs as being what you want to see more of in the relationship.
[6:51]You can think of boundaries as being what you want to see less of in a relationship. Your needs that you don't want to happen essentially, right?
[6:56]You can think of like, what do I not like and how can I communicate to my partner what those challenges are for me?
[7:03]And the boundaries can be things like we don't call each other certain names, you know, we don't we don't raise our voices, we don't argue in this way.
[7:10]And these have to be discussions, or there are things in the relationship that you don't like how they're going and that you really want to see less of.
[7:17]And then each of you want to take accountability to work on that together.
[7:20]But you don't have to do all this stuff at once, right?
[7:23]Like you can come back to this video once a month and just pick core wounds to work on for the month and then the second month pick needs and then pick boundaries.
[7:29]But you're going to see by working on these really crucial things a tremendous amount of momentum and growth between yourself and your partner.
[7:35]Now again, you can't do this alone.
[7:38]You have to be able to do this together, right?
[7:44]Like if if somebody's like, I'm not talking about this with you, then that's a big sign that, you know, it may not be the right relationship if somebody isn't even willing to work through the differences or acknowledge them.
[7:49]But you'd be surprised at how many people when these things are addressed in a healthy way are willing.
[7:55]And especially if they have somebody leading the way. So the next piece here is we have to be able to practice communicating about these things and seeing them through.
[8:03]We can't just have a conversation one time. If we're working on something for a month, let's say core wounds, we have to talk about it when it comes up.
[8:12]Hey, remember, this is a sensitivity for me, this is a wound for me, this doesn't feel good for me.
[8:18]And we have to learn to whatever we're working on, if it's a core wound, a need, a boundary, we have to communicate, we have to execute that.
[8:21]We have to remind the person in a gentle way, right?
[8:26]We have to be able to say, remember this thing here, or hey, this need that we were going to work on this week, I know life gets busy sometimes, but you didn't meet it.
[8:35]Can you try again in this this next week? Or hey, it's been a few days, I really need this need being met this week, right now, do you have room for it today?
[8:44]So we have to be able to see these things through. They cannot be a single conversation and then we hope everything goes perfectly because these are new things, it's like riding a bike for the first time.
[8:53]Sometimes you're going to fall off or, you know, go the wrong way and we have to get back on and keep trying.
[8:59]And it's the momentum of the practice of this that will just build it into the relationship.
[9:05]When we practice this frequently, what ends up happening is it becomes subconscious.
[9:10]In other words, it becomes a habit, it becomes the foundation of the relationship.
[9:16]We don't even have to think about it anymore. These are habits that are built in that naturally get instilled.
[9:22]But really for a habit to take shape, it takes about 21 days of repetition.
[9:27]And so what you're going to have to see is that there's some element of like checking in with this, talking about this.
[9:30]It doesn't have to be every day, but if you practice talking about this, thinking about this, you know, whether it's the core wound, the need, the boundary, communicating about it, seeing it through for a month, you're going to see it seeps into the subconscious mind, becomes the new normal for your relationship and it doesn't have to be work anymore, it's just naturally flowing.
[9:37]And then last but not least, we want to make sure that we each individually work on emotional regulation.
[9:40]And this can mean that like when we're emotionally stressed if we're in sympathetic nervous system, aka fight or flight mode all the time.
[9:49]It can just be that we practice regulating our nervous system.
[9:53]Usually when we talk about our core wounds, we talk about our needs, it's going to play a huge role in emotional regulation overall.
[10:01]But if you're seeing that, you know, you still really struggle with it, as something as simple as meditating for 10 minutes a day, helps to regulate your nervous system, puts you more into rest and digest mode or parasympathetic nervous system mode, and you'll find as a result of that, it feels like your world slows down a little bit.
[10:13]Things feel more open. We don't make mountains out of mole hills the same way we do when we're in sympathetic fighter flight mode, everything feels like an emergency when we're in that mode of being.
[10:24]We feel like problems are solvable.
[10:27]We'll feel like we can really work through things with somebody. So if that's a a pain point or a challenge, each doing a little work around that to to emotionally regulate better is always a great added bonus.
[10:32]So those are five things you can really work on.
[10:35]You can start with like a nervous system regulation technique every morning.
[10:39]You can do breath work, you can do meditation, you can do light walking, stretching, like just things that help you stay like in your body connected to yourself.
[10:48]At the same time, you can pick one thing to work on a month, the core wounds, the needs and the boundaries, and really communication is wrapped into all those things as you're seeing them through.
[10:57]So in three months, you can see massive changes with your partner in a relationship that also make it so that you are really healing and changing and growing within yourself and then of course you're growing together instead of growing apart.
[11:06]That's it for today. Um, I'm curious to hear your experience in becoming securely attached with a partner, if you knew it was possible, what different fears or challenges or pain points you're finding, and I can definitely make some more content accordingly.
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[11:24]So thank you so much for watching and can't wait to see you tomorrow.
