[0:07]My husband has been sharing some like second or mixed signals, I guess. Um, after, uh, about eight months ago, he shared that he wanted to separate. Um, which kind of blindsided me. Um, we had always had that, like, we weren't interested and we didn't, like, necessarily believe in separating and divorce and all of that. Um, so after he said that, um, like I said, it's been eight months and nothing really has happened. The only time I notice that things are happening is like kind of in response to something that I've said, something that our therapist has said, and nothing like, uh, it's just like him making a move. Um, so really my question is, we have two, uh, young kids and I don't want to instill this, like, wishy-washy, uh, value into them. Um, so I'm just really not sure what the next move is. Yeah, um, A, that breaks my heart for you. Like being relationally blindsided is I think it's one of the most off kiltering things a person can experience when it's a true blindside, right? Like didn't see this coming.
[1:41]Um, if your main concern for your kids is that sense and I totally get what you're talking about, that wishy-washy, nobody firmly has either of their feet on the ground. My question for you is, why have you allowed this to go on for eight months without turning all the lights on in the house, turning off all the dancing, all the music, all the drama, and sitting down at the table and saying, you told me you were going to leave. I need clarity on this. Tell me about the gap between what you're feeling and that step, that, like, that clarity action step. Uh, yeah, so I mean, there's a couple of pieces. I mean, for starters, I don't want him to, so I don't necessarily, uh, want to spear him in that direction.
[2:37]Um, and then also on top of this, um, we've had some like family, uh, health issues arise that have taken my attention away from the home, um, and trying to be a part-time caretaker. Um, so it's like one of those things where I'm just kind of like at my breaking point of not being able to just like manage everybody's emotions. Yes. Okay. So your fear that putting this on the table and bringing it up will bring it to reality? That's that's a it's a false fear. Okay. Um, he made a threat. All right. Maybe as a threat, maybe as an intention. I don't he's not on the phone, so I don't know why he would have said that, and then just kept going on like everything was the same. Um, he might have, he might have been testing the waters with you. He might have just been having a really bad day. He may have been having an emotional affair with somebody and he was about to cross a line, and so he put that on the table real fat. Like who knows why he did what he did? But a, a, if somebody throws, um, something into a pool, let's say they throw like a brick into a pool. Not talking about that brick doesn't make it any less real. Right. So your husband fractured the stability of your marriage by saying what he said. And evidently he did it in a way that caught you so off guard, too. Not addressing it doesn't make that crack any bigger. It just drains all the water out of the pool, so we can actually deal with that brick that's sitting at the bottom. That's fair. And so I, I, I don't know another way through this than right through it. Okay. What why did he say he wants to separate? This episode is sponsored by Better Help. If you feel like you're holding everyone else's life together while you're slowly falling apart, prioritize yourself starting now. Better Help is an online therapy platform with over 30,000 licensed therapists, and they're the perfect place to slow down, talk to a real person and sort through what's yours to carry and what isn't. Listen, you're not weak for wanting help. You're wise for talking to someone. Visit betterhelp.com/deloni to get 10% off your first month. What, why did he say he wants to separate? Well, we had been having kind of a rough couple of months, yearish period. Um, he wasn't, I don't think he was feeling valued. Um, and this is like simultaneously when I'm pregnant and having um, immediate in that postpartum period. God. Yeah. That's a whole other call.
[5:50]Yeah. On behalf of good husbands everywhere, I apologize. It's it's so stupid and wrong and bullheaded and insensitive and just stupid. But it is what it is. Right. So you were pregnant. You had a child. You're going through and you how old's your other, your oldest? Uh, three. Okay. So you have two kids, two and under at the time. And he starts pouting that he's not getting as much sex as he wants. And then he blindsides you with, you know what? I'm just let's just call it. Yeah. Yeah, that's that's that's man. Yeah, and it's like, I mean, I mean, on paper it's so clear to me. But I think the hard part that I'm trying to figure out too is that like I'm watching other areas his life, um, kind of blow up. He's cutting off relationships with other people, um, that had meant something to him. He's been having issues at work. Um, so it's like I and knowing him for as long as I have, it almost feels like he's having some sort of crisis that's being taken out on me. And this is probably a very, yeah, it's a context, not an excuse. Right. And I'll also, again, I'll I'll put this back in your the ball back in your court. If you're watching somebody you love self-destructing, I I've had men show up at my house that my wife called. who are close personal friends of mine that said, Hey, you are not okay. Right. Because they love me and cared about me, and my wife had tried and I couldn't hear it or I wouldn't hear it, one of the two. And so I would tell you, like, if you're watching somebody you've known forever, that you love is the father of your children, and they're imploding. At least saying, hey, I see this, how can I love you right now? What's happening here? You said you want to leave. Again, it feels like you don't want to add another thing on his plate. But I think what's more important is the table that that plate is sitting on is crumbling. Yeah. Right. And so sometimes you turning all the lights on and a moment of accountability, a moment of, I see you and I know you, is actually a lifeline. And I guess what I, this may sound harsh, but if you bringing this up accelerates him leaving you and abandoning your kids and all that, quite honestly, I'd rather that happen now than two or three years more of you burning yourself into ash trying to keep this thing together with someone who's trying to leave. Yeah, that's so true. And that sounds awful to say because I hope that's not the ending here. I hope what's happening is what you're saying is for whatever reason, he's unwinding, and you're just the closest person there. I hate this for you, and I hate this for your kids, obviously, but I hope that you're able to like reach across the reach through that electric fence and say, hey, I see you, and I love you. But he he I mean, he he burned what you'all had to the ground. Is there any chance he is, I whenever somebody tells me this is happening, it's not always, but often it's tied to they're caught up in something that has taken a hold of them. Oh, yeah, that would not surprise me at all. Alcohol, sports betting, a a flirty friend that turned into a one-night stand that turned into oh, no, I don't know what to do. Um, took out a big business loan and I use some of it for this and some of it for that, and I don't know how I'm going to pay it back. Like, like usually their work is slowly dissolving. He didn't want to tell how bad it really is. Usually there's something big looming that a person feels like I've lost control of this, and it just starts coming out all over the place. Absolutely. What is it? You you know, when I said that, you you immediately went, oh, yeah. What is it? Yeah. Uh, I would probably say alcohol. Okay. We've been having we've had issues with that over the past, I don't know, five, five, six years of, you know, just finding the boundary with it. So. Okay. And maybe that's part of the call out. Yeah. So, um, I can give you a framework for how to have this conversation. The problem with the framework is it doesn't mean it's going to go well. It just simply gives you structure for how to do this and makes it the most inviting for somebody to hear it, but it cannot guarantee that they're going to hear it. Right. Okay. Here's the path. Um, and I'll say it real fast. Um, it's too quick to write down, but this will be the guiding path for any conflict anybody has in any marriage, but especially in this kind of situation. Let him know, I want to have a focused direct hard conversation with you. Can we do that? And whatever boundaries you need to set for that conversation, set them. No screens, no phones. I need you not to drink tonight. What, whatever you can say safely. The second one is, here is what I'm seeing. Number three, here's the story I'm making up about what I'm seeing. Number four, here's how I feel about that. And number five, and this is the kicker, here's what I'm going to do next.
[11:39]And what that does for you is it regains your autonomy in a situation where you feel completely powerless. And it owns the fact that you're saying things like, I'm choosing to make up the story that when you told me you want to be separated, you don't love me anymore and you're going to leave our family. I'm making up the story that your alcohol is costing you friends. It's going to cost you your job. It's costing you your marriage, that you're really struggling. And that way when you phrase it as, here's the story I'm making up here, it's less about an accusation, but it invites the other person to say, well, that story you're making up actually isn't true. Here's the reality. But they don't always take it. Part of me tell me if I'm crazy.
[12:38]Part of me thinks you're kind of soft balling this with me, and what I mean by that is, part of me gets the sense, and you tell me if I'm wrong, please, please, please. Things are actually pretty not good, pretty bad. And you don't want them to be as bad as they actually are, because that's going to mean you've got to do some stuff that's going to be real hard. I mean, yeah, you're not totally wrong. I mean, it's I don't, they aren't fantastic. Um, it's not something I really want to deal with. I did not paint this picture for myself. Yeah. But I also know that if this is to work, like it's going to be a total bulldoze and rebuilding kind of situation. That's right. And he can't do that if he's if he's struggling with alcohol. Right. And he can't do that if he's going to threaten, I'm going to leave every time things get hard. And he can't do that, you'all can't do that if for God sakes, if he doesn't see his wife growing a human and giving birth to that human, and then struggling to parent two little ones, plus deal with postpartum, plus deal with just the, like the normal it takes time for your body to heal and hormones are regulate. If he can't look at that situation and say this is a time for me to double and triple down on how well I can love her instead of, uh, I'm not getting off enough. I mean, you're you're talking, yeah, you're talking a total tear down and rebuild from the floor up. Yeah.
[14:20]Clarity is kindness to you, it's kindness to your kids and it's kindness to him. Yeah. Have you sat down and told anybody all of the stuff? Yeah. Um, I have like one or two people that know all of the details. What do they tell you? They they, I mean, they don't know what to say. It's such a crazy situation that, uh, and they, they know him, and they're just, you know, they're shocked and don't really like almost blindsided as well when I've told them what's happened. Would he call and talk to me? Maybe. Okay. I'd love to talk to him. Not in an accusatory way. I just want to know what's going on inside the heart and mind of that, dude. I told him to listen to your show. I'm hearing across the country wives are constantly being like, you know what John said, you need to, I'm like, no, don't do that. Please don't do that. Um, Yeah, he's got to get some at least one, he's got to get some men in his life that will look him in the eye and say, I'll weather the storm, but you're not okay, and this isn't okay. Yeah, and that he definitely is lacking in that that, uh, a lot of his, uh, friends are female just because of his line of work. And that's the people he's around all day, but yeah, I agree. Okay. I'd recommend spending some time writing out what you're going to say. And that will force you to write down, here's what must be true for us to move forward.
[16:07]Mhm. And here's the other thing. You're a grown adult. You can stay and just keep putting up with this for as long as you want.
[16:20]I just need you to hear me say, you're worth more than that. Yeah. And so are your kids and so is he and so is your marriage.
[16:34]Absolutely. Thanks for being courageous and calling. Thank you. I hate what comes next for you, but I'm don't hate what could happen on the other end of some hard direct loving.
[16:56]connected focused conversations. But I'm taking it from your long silence that you know how these are going to go. Yeah. I hate that for you.
[17:14]Well, some things has to be better. Well, I mean, yeah, but people are always like, it can't get any worse and by the nature of my job, I'm like, yeah, it could. And so, yeah, and and again, I know this is complex. There's economic considerations. There's so, I mean, there's so much wrapped up in this. And he's made it really, really difficult. But the old trope is true. You can only control you, and so the question I have for you is, what are you going to do next?
