[0:03]So then I say to the guy, "Hey, what are you putting this gumbo Gandalf's dusty nutsack?" What? Dude. Oh, that got me. Dude, Gandalf's dusty nutsack. That's, dude, you are hysterical. Did did you just come up with that? I just my consciousness of humor, I guess. Jessica, when you said that you were bringing your new boyfriend on our ski trip, I'll be honest, I was furious. But, wow, he's so funny. Yeah, funny in like a cool, edgy way too. You're so lucky, girl. Yeah, Dave's quite the comedian. Hey, uh, Dave, you want me to take that coat for you? It looks hot. Uh, no, I'll I'll keep it on. Thanks again for letting me come, guys. This is more fun than smoking crack with Susan Boyle. Oh, dude. Oh, dude. Oh my god. Wow, babe. All my friends think you're hilarious. It's actually making me pretty horny. Oh, well, why don't we go take care of that? I like that. All right. Well, guys, this was so great to meet you all, but we should get going.
[1:14]Oh, crap. Babe, what is all this? I don't know, this is really weird. What what is all this stuff?
[1:26]Smoking crack with Susan Boyle. Dave, are these Cards Against Humanity cards? I don't think so. What? Dave, are you reading off Cards Against Humanity cards to make people think that you're funny? No, that would be weird. Like, what? Pooping your pants at Legoland. Dave, you said this to me but moments ago. No, I don't think so. No, I know so. I asked you what you did for a living, and you said pooping your pants at Legoland. I remember because I laughed so hard, I pooped my pants. And I had to go get my gym shorts from my car. Okay, this is so weird. I really want to get to the bottom of this. An inconvenient boner while watching Marley and Me? Dave, you said this word for word to me. Why would I say that? Because I asked you if you were worried about traffic later, and you said you were more worried about an inconvenient boner while watching Marley and Me. I remember because I laughed so hard, I tried to kiss you. Yeah, well, I don't remember that at all. Dropping acid with the Mariachi band at Josh Gad's Quinceanera. You said this to me ten minutes ago. I don't recall that. I told you that my uncle died recently, and you said that sounds worse than dropping acid with the Mariachi band at Josh Gad's Quinceanera. I remember because I laughed so hard, I tried to make love to you. Who are you? Because I don't even know anymore. Are you even twisted? No. You just annoy me. Growing up, I never said anything twisted. Like if someone asked me what I wanted for lunch, I just say a sandwich instead of something awesome like...
[3:17]jacking off the Kool-Aid Man 'til he says, "Oh yeah!" Well then in college, I played Cards Against Humanity, and I, you know, I'd put down a card and people would say, laugh and go like, "Damn, that boy ain't right, you a Jesus!" But for the first time in my life, I felt goated. Goated with the sauce. You hear me, mom? Your boy is goated! Goated with the sauce! And after that, I decided to carry at least three decks of cards with me at all times and flawlessly work them into every conversation. Okay, well, are you going to... Oh. Are you going to pick these up then? Yeah, of course. Of course I am. Of course I am. Who do you think I am? Hitler's hairy butt crack? Dude, you need Jesus!
