[0:00]Most marriages don't fail because of a single major event or betrayal. Instead, they disintegrate slowly through the accumulation of seemingly minor rejections. ones that feel insignificant in isolation, but compounded over months and years result in marital death by a thousand cuts. I don't want to talk about it, not tonight, I'm tired. The eye roll, the dismissive sigh, the cold shoulder in the marital bed. Each rejection sends the same painful message, you don't matter. With every one, a small retreat occurs and bit by bit, the distance between you grows. There's no affair, no single major catastrophe, and to the outside world, everything looks perfectly fine, but make no mistake, these marriages are dying a slow, painful death. If that sounds familiar, then I'm here to help. In this video, I'll show you the difference between couples who say yes and those who slowly starve each other through constant resistance. I'll explain why this resistance happens, what it's really about, and most importantly, how to reverse it before it's too late. Hi, I'm Laura, a relationship therapist and coach. I help couples build relationships that feel alive and fulfilling. If you're new to the channel, welcome. First, a quick disclaimer. This video isn't for abusive or severely dysfunctional marriages. If that's your situation, please seek professional help. I'm focusing specifically on marriages where ongoing resistance to each other's needs is creating distance and withdrawal. John Gottman famously identified what predicts divorce with remarkable accuracy and found that it often comes down to how couples respond to bids for connection. A bid is any attempt by your spouse to connect with you, whether it's can we talk, or can we make love. It might be a touch, a look, or simply reaching for your hand.
[2:01]These are small moments when your spouse is reaching out to you. Gottman discovered that couples who remained married turned towards these bids 86% of the time, compared to just 33% for those who eventually divorced. When couples turn away more often than not, the result is chronic loneliness and isolation. I see these couples in my therapy room every single week, and I can tell you, they're miserable. She's pouring her heart out, distraught and in tears about how unseen she feels, while he stares out the window, eager to get back to something he considers more worthy of his time. Or he's trying to explain the deep loneliness and frustration of being sexually rejected week after week, while she rolls her eyes and says, is that really all you think about? So, why does this happen? Why do these couples ignore their spouse's perfectly reasonable pleas for the love they need? In my experience, it comes down to three main patterns. First, invalidating each other's reality. One spouse has decided they get to determine what counts as a legitimate need in the marriage. Sex is a want, not a need, stop going on about it. Or, why does everything need to be dissected? You're making a big deal about nothing. This sends a clear message, I don't accept your inner experience as valid, therefore your pain isn't real. Second, transactional scorekeeping. You don't give me what I need, so why should I give you what you need? This turns resentment into conditional love, where one partner's effort hinges entirely on the other's perceived performance. Both keep score, constantly asking, what's in it for me? What have you done for me lately? This is not love, but rather a business arrangement without profit. Third, weaponized individualism. It's not my job to make you happy. I hear this phrase constantly, and it's so sad. Because, yes, I suppose that's technically true to a point, but if that's your attitude toward the person you married, then you're in trouble. This is often less about setting healthy boundaries and more about shirking responsibility for your spouse's well-being. It's therapeutic language hijacked to justify emotional neglect, and it's a slow-acting poison to a marriage. Now, look, some of these complaints might be perfectly valid. Maybe he's genuinely withdrawn because he hasn't been touched in years and is protecting himself. Maybe she's sexually shut down because he's been so dismissive of her emotional world. She doesn't really know who he is anymore. These are real problems that need attention, but unresolved problems don't justify unilateral or permanent disengagement. That's a dangerous road to nowhere good. They need to be tackled head-on, as a team, through honest conversation or in therapy. Not used as an excuse to indefinitely withhold while your marriage unravels. Now, I know some of you are thinking, but I'm trying. I work, do the housework, help with the kids, what more do you want from me? But when your partner says, I feel lonely and you respond with a list of everything else you're already handling, you've missed the point. They're not being ungrateful, they're asking for a specific thing that makes them feel loved by you, something they can't get anywhere else. We all need to feel like a priority to our partners, not item 99 on the to-do list, below the kids, work, the dog, or worse still, the smartphone.
[5:58]But often, what lies behind the avoidance is something deeper, a fear of vulnerability.
[6:07]It's far easier to say, I don't want to have sex with you because you don't do enough chores, than to admit, I'm so afraid of intimacy that I'd rather avoid the topic altogether. It's far easier to say, you're so moody and difficult, can't we just get on, than to admit, I don't cope well with emotional vulnerability, so I'd rather not discuss anything at all. I don't know what nature had in mind when it decided that each gender's primary needs would often be what the other finds hardest to give. It might look like a cruel joke on the surface, but I prefer to see it as an invitation to grow. Either way, here we are. The important point is this. When your partner asks for something you find difficult to give, don't just shut them down. Instead, pause and look within. Try to identify what's going on for you. Is it fear, shame, resentment? Name it and own it, because only by understanding what you're actually protecting yourself from, can you start to address it. Next, reframe the bid for what it is. It's not a threat, an attack, or criticism. It's your spouse reaching out for something they need from you, which is healthy. For example, she's not attacking you by wanting to talk about your relationship. She needs to feel seen and understood by you. So, remind yourself, this is a bid for connection. She wants to feel close to me. Then say, yes, absolutely, I'll put the kettle on. What's on your mind? He's not pressuring you by wanting intimacy. He needs to feel loved, desired, and wanted by you. So, remind yourself, this is a bid for connection. He wants to feel loved by me. Then respond, I think that's a great idea, the kids are down, let's go upstairs.
[8:12]This isn't complicated, but it's something a huge number of couples find incredibly difficult, but like anything challenging in life, the more you practice, the easier it gets. Now, I can hear some of you thinking, but if I don't feel like it, won't that mean forcing myself to say yes through gritted teeth forever? That sounds exhausting. Not at all. Research shows that when we lean into meaningful challenges, a part of the brain called the anterior mid-cingulate cortex grows stronger. This means you can literally learn to want something you once found difficult. That said, of course, you're allowed to say no. Sometimes you genuinely can't give what's being asked for right then, and that's fine, as long as you handle it with love. Can we talk tomorrow morning instead? I'm really interested, but I'm exhausted right now and want to give you my full attention. Or, actually, I'm not feeling up for making love tonight. I know that matters to you and I love you for wanting me. How about tomorrow? I'll be much more relaxed then. So, here, even when saying no, you're still acknowledging the bid, honoring the importance of their need and offering a specific alternative. Gottman found that thriving marriages require five positive interactions for every negative one. This means you can even make a no count as a positive interaction, as long as it's delivered with kindness and empathy. That said, the whole point here is that no should be the exception, not the rule. Remember, we're aiming to say yes far more than we say no. For many, this is going to mean a lot more sex and a far deeper emotional bond, both of which will enrich your marriage significantly. Importantly, however, those yeses can't just be a box ticking, let's get this over with kind of yes. They need to be genuine and enthusiastic. No man wants to make love to a woman who he even remotely senses doesn't want to be there. And no woman wants to be emotionally vulnerable with a husband who's checked out or disinterested. So, be present, engaged and enthusiastic. Because a half-hearted or disinterested yes might as well be a no for all it's worth. If the idea of an enthusiastic yes feels difficult for you, as it once did for me, I want to share what helped me get there. For me, it involved healing from childhood wounds, working through my father and mother issues, learning to run, developing a close relationship with nature and the outdoors, dealing with my substance and food struggles, and maintaining a spiritual practice that gives me a deep sense of gratitude for life and a capacity to see the infinite beauty of existence. As a result of this continual work, I'm becoming a generally lighter and more positive person, and bringing this lightness into my marriage has made saying yes feel healthy and effortless. So, remember, when your partner reaches out, all they really want to know is, do I matter to you? Your response, how you deliver it, and the energy behind it, makes all the difference between growing together or growing apart. If you're struggling with any of the topics raised in today's video, you can reach out to me or my team via the link below and we'll help you work through it together. If you found this video helpful, then you might also enjoy this one, where I talk about the wisdom of saying yes to intimacy in your marriage. Until next week, to yourself and to others, tell the truth.
