[0:05]Main jab 12th mein tha na. Toh mujhe aisa lagta tha meri personality aisi hai na ki main sab bachchon ke upar se utar ke chala jaunga. Saari company bolenge hamare yahan ek baar job kar lo. MBBS ka form bhar diya Biology thi bhi nahi mere paas. Maine kaha dekh lete hain kya pata hojaye isme. IIT AIEEE saare exams diye maine. AIEEE mein meri rank aayi 3 lakh kuch. Pata nahi itte bachche the bhi ki nahi the. Yaar maine internet cafe pe result dekha aur main ghar tak apni rank hi bhool gaya. Meri itni badi rank aayi. Ghar aake papa ne rank puchi meri jeb mein ek 100 ka note tha maine number padh diya uska Aisi si aayi hai kuch. Yaar meri rank mein comma lage hue the yaar. Ye koi baat hai karne ki? Internet cafe wale ne paise nahi liye mujhse. Maine poocha bhaiya kitna hogya, bola bahot zyada. Subah se jitne bachche aaye hain, aapki milake aayi hai pata hai aapko? Fir main Delhi University chala gaya, mujhe course mil gaya Chemistry honors. Woh alag hi zeher hai. Haan haan Us time main theek se peg nahi bana pata tha. Toh main solution toh kya hi mila leta aapas mein. Main jo bhi cheez milata tha usme se hi dhuan nikal jata tha. Maine soongh ke dekha nashe bhi nahi ho rahe maine kaha hatao isko fir. Ye nahi chaiye life mein. Law school badhiya tha. 5 saal ka itna badhiya holiday package tha na. Jab hum hostel pahunche the na. Kitne log hostel mein rahe hain kabhi? Boys hostel mein kitne log rahe hain? Theek hai. Jo log nahi rahe hain tumhe rehna chaiye ek baar. Tumhe jeevan ka wo saar pata chalega, ki tumhe kya kya life mein nahi karna hota hai. Boys hostel mein rehte hain, jaanwar jo bol sakte hain. Hostel gaye. Hostel mein rehna shuru kiya. Hamare hostel mein ek baat phaili hui thi, ki is hostel mein uncle John naam ka bhoot rehta hai. Jo pyaasa hai. Kis cheez ka ye nahi bataya unhone. Second year jo hai, wo hamari ragging leta tha. Unka ek group tha tyagiyon ka. Matlab ek ladka tha tyagi jiska wo group tha. Yaar ek toh seniors hamari ragging le rahe the ragging nahi le pa rahe the. Haan mere room mein aake tyagi aaya, Old Monk ka aadha (half) rakha. Kehta isko ek baar mein khatam karna hai. Maine kaha ye ragging hai? Isko party nahi kehte? Maine kaha tum roz aaya karo meri ragging lene. Fir hamara thode din mein aisa hota raha ki, clash ho raha hai aapas mein toh hume bhi laga ki yaar hume bhi apna hostel mein naam karna hai. Abdul aaya Abdul yaad hai na video mein tha. Uske alag hi fan chal rahe hain. Wo aaya ek din mere room mein aake Bassi ki sun hume na hostel mein naam karna hai apna. Maine kaha theek hai karte hain thodi der rukja. Kuch plan hai keh raha koi plan nahi hai abhi karna hai chalo. Theek hai chalo. Raat ko ek dedh baje hum nikle hain naam karne. Poore hostel ka ek chakkar lagaya samajh hi nahi aaya wapas aagye hum. Ab lag raha hai kya karein, deewaron pe naam likh dein, karna kya hai. Fir hume laga ke yaar... Paani pi rahe the hum, water cooler tha yahan pe. Maine kaha agar hum abhi, upar wale floor pe jayen (where seniors live) aur unke water cooler se paani pi lein. Toh kitna naam hojeyega. Ki do ladkon ki himmat dekho. Raat ko upar aaye, aur saara paani pi gaye. Koi sense hai is baat ki? Humein bahot lag rahi thi us time. Hum aise haath milake gale mile hain ek dusre se. Ki kya badhiya idea aaya hai bhai. Hum upar gaye. Jaa ke, water cooler ke saamne hain, water cooler ke piche se aawaz aayi. Ismein kabhi paani nahi aata. Side se dekha toh tyagi nikal raha hai niche se. Usne humein dekha, humne use dekha. Bahut sharab pi rakhi hai isne. Itni itni si aankh khul rahi hain uski. Kehta tum log yahan kya kar rahe ho? Maine kaha kahan hain yahan??? Yaar wo 15 second tak kuch nahi bola hai. Hum dono yahan se chale gaye. Thodi der humne wait kiya, ye chala gaya hum wapas aaye. Humne water cooler chala ke dekha usme paani hi nahi aa raha hai. Humne kaha naam kaise karein ab? Fir humne ek doosre ki taraf dekha, aur humein laga. Agar, hum ye water cooler utha ke. Apne room mein le chalen. Toh bahot naam hojeyega. Hum dono ne water cooler uthaya, itna uncha tha wo aur bahot hi Bhaari. Abdul ke pran hi nikal gaye uthane mein usko. Maine toh ek haath se utha liya. I am strong. Nahi, bahot bhaari tha wo, mujhse bhi nahi uthta tha. Hum utha ke thodi door chale toh humne dekha uska taar laga hua hai wahan pe bijli ka. Hum dono ke munh se ek saath nikla, ye bijli se chalta hai? Humne wapas rakha, humne uska taar nikala, fir usko utha ke thodi door chale, thodi door jaake hum thak gaye. Humein laga, ab kya karein iska? Ab toh nahi man kar raha. Par ab kisi ko batayenge kaise ki yahan kaise aaya ye. Humein laga chalo thodi si aur mehnat karte hain thodi door aur leke chalte hain, niche tak laane ki himmat nahi hui, thodi der baad hum thak gaye. Humne kaha suno ab aisa hai. Side mein dikh rahi hai railing. Humne niche dekha. Humein kaha, agar hum ise, direct bhej dein. Toh ab toh bahot hi naam hojeyega. Seedha second year mein aajayenge hum subah. Humne wo railing pe rakha, aur likh diya. Uska jo taar tha, wo railing mein ulajh gaya. Ab water cooler jhool raha hai yahan pe. Humne kaha ye kaisa fuddu naam hua hamara. Hum koi cheez feink bhi nahi paaye. Maine Abdul se kaha kya karna hai, Kehta bhai isko kheech lete hain. Utha toh tu paaya nahi tha isko. Uska jo 3 pin plug hai, wo railing mein atka hua hai. Maine kaha bhai Abdul ye niklega toh hai nahi, kuch karna padega isko kaat dete hain. Kehta ruk main mess se chaaku leke aata hu. Maine kaha le aa. Mess mein se itna bada chaaku leke aaya hai. Maine kaha ye sab chhod pehle mess wale ke paas chal. Mujhe usse puchna hai isse kaatta kya hai wo? Ye chicken ke naam pe oont (camel) khila raha hai kya humein? Humne uss pe rakh ke wo plug kaat rahe hain hum dono. Wo kaata, jaise hi wo plug kaata, water cooler niche. Gravity ne apna kaam dikhaya. Plug wahi pada hai humne jab tak wo dekha tab tak toh wo pahunchuka tha niche. Aur maine ek saal Chemistry padhi thi jab main DU mein tha. Mujhe bilkul nahi pata tha ki fridge mein koi gas hoti hai. Itni tez blast hua. Poora hostel jaag gaya hamara. Saamne wali building se warden uth gaya. Humne kaha bc itna naam bhi nahi karna tha humein. Saare ladke yahan chillana shuru hain uska blast sunte hi ek corridor se aawaz aa rahi hai atom bomb atom bomb. Ek se aawaz aa rahi hai bachao bachao. Wahan warden aagaya. Sab log ikathe hogye. Hum upar se baith ke dekh rahe hain railing mein jo jagah hoti hai usme se baith ke. Warden pata hai hamara kaisa tha? Tum raat ko 2 baje bula lo. Matlab bula lo kya khud hi aajata tha wo. Han hum toh kabhi nahi bulaate the mat hi aa. 2 baj rahe hon, 3 baj rahe hon. Wo ekdum tayyar hoke aata tha. White shirt, white pant, white joote. Use dekh ke humne kai baar poocha tu hi toh nahi hai uncle John??? Raat ko tayyar kaise? Tayyar hoke sota hai kya tu? Bed pe pata kaise chalta hai ki bedsheet hai ki tu hai? Wo aaya aake khada hogya. Usne dekha, water cooler ko dekha. Ab uski life ke itihaas mein ye pehli baar hua tha ki upar se koi non-living cheez aake giri ho. Proud that Noida audience got that. First year ke ladke jo hamare batch ke the, unhe pata nahi kya maal mila hua tha. Itna ek ladka nikal ke aaya corridor se yahan water cooler pada hai, yahan warden khada hai. Iske bagal mein se nikla, bolta hua jaa raha hai, Koi baat nahi. Warden kehta iska room check karna zara. Ye theek nahi lag raha mujhe ladka. Ladke khud bhi bakchodi kar rahe hain yaar. Ek keh raha hai sir maine dekha khud gira hai. Kehta sir ye railing tak aaya. Fir isne dekha niche koi hai toh nahi, fir ye kood gaya sir. Pareshaan hoga sir. Aap jao, sojao. Warden khada hoke baatein sune jaa raha hai, kehta haan. Bilkul sahi keh rahe hain aap. Ek ne toh bata diya ki sir uncle John ne feinka hai wo pyaasa tha. Ek toh hamare batch mein Tiwari tha, wo bana Sherlock Holmes. Haan haan usne. Ek toh feel mein itne rehte the na ladke wahan. Vakeel bane nahi hain, first semester chal raha hai. Warden se keh raha hai, My Lord. Aadha mahaul toh wahi kharab hogya. Kehta My Lord ye dekh rahe hain aap. Water cooler ka taar utha ke, mujhe lagta hai.
[10:17]Hostel mein kisi ko 3 pin plug ki zaroorat thi. Toh usne plug toh rakh liya, bacha kucha feink diya. I rest my case my lord. Warden kehta haan.. vakeel saab bilkul. Water cooler mein bacha kucha water cooler hi toh hai. Sahi keh rahe hain aap. Niche ye baat chal rahi. Maine Abdul ko dekha toh pair se us plug ko leke jaa raha hai. Maine kaha tu kya kar raha hai, kehta saboot mita raha hu bhai. Maine kaha kya karega iska? Isne plug uthaya usko wapas laga ke aagya wahan. Chaaku haath mein hai iske. Ye saboot mitaya isne. Maine kaha niche chal. Fatafat wahan pahunchte hain hum nahi mile toh problem hogi. Hum niche utre, wahan pahunche. Ek toh itni overacting karta hai ye. Raaste raaste mein pata nahi kya hogya isko. Hum water cooler ke paas pahunche warden ke paas jaise hi usne dekha na water cooler ekdum kehta haawww. Meri hassi chhoot gayi. Tu pagal hai kya? Abhi abhi toh kara hai humne. Maine kaha boliyo mat kuch chup rahiyo. Warden upar pahuncha site pe. Haan site pe. Usne wahan jaake dekha, ab us poore area mein sirf plug laga hua hai. Warden ne pehle toh Tiwari ko bulaya, kehta idhar aao. Kehta case re-open kar dein tumhara?
[12:08]Agale din subah warden ne, so gaye hum jaake usne committee banayi puri research kari. Pata nahi kis haramkhor ne hamara naam bata diya ki humein upar jaate dekha tha. Warden ne humein bulaya apne room mein, maine Abdul se bola tha ki sun maan mat jaiyo. Aur kuch bakchodi mat kariyo. Bilkul aise shareef banke baithna hai ki humse achcha bachcha hi nahi hai is college mein. Hum room mein ghuse hain. Aansu girne lage iske. Maine kaha are baat bhi nahi hui abhi toh kuch. Bhaisaab aise bhi nahi aa rahe yahan se yahan gir jaa rahe hain iske aansu. Uske saamne baithe hain hum. Warden bola ekdum se, ki haan bhai. Tum logon ne feinka tha water cooler? Maine kaha nahi sir. Kehta pakki baat? Maine kaha pakki baat. Kehta, kyun feinka tha? Maine kaha aap jo bol rahe ho, aapke kaano mein jaa raha hai? Aisa toh nahi hai sirf hum hi sun rahe hain ye?
[13:10]Kehta nahi mujhe aap pe shak hai. Maine kaha shak the fuck up. Pehle mujhe ye batao ki tum sun pa rahe ho jo tum bol rahe ho? Humne kuch nahi feinka, maine toh paani chhod rakha hai. Main toh neat peeta hu, mujhe koi matlab hi nahi hai. Thodi der tak hum bakchodi karte rahe usse. Kehta tumhi ne feinka hai mujhe pata hai. Maine kaha sir hum toh nahi maan rahe dekho. Baaki aap ki marzi hai. Kehta tumhare paas do option hain. Maine kaha option? Seniors ragging nahi le pa rahe hain, warden punishment nahi de pa raha hai. Kaise chal raha hai ye college? Humne kaha kya option hain? Humne pairon pe pair rakh liya humne kaha option batao kya hai? Kehta ya toh suspend ho jao, ya fir fine bhar do. Humne kaha achcha? Suspend kyun hona hai? Naam kya hai? Yahin rahenge. Maine Abdul se kaha fine. Kehta fine.
[14:04]Humne kaha fine. Warden ne laga diya hum pe fine. Humein laga tha 6-7 hazaar rupe maange ga, munh pe feink ke maar denge. Usne printout nikala, hamare saamne rakhhe do paper. Usne humpe fine lagaya, 1,35,000/- Rs. ka. Maine wo dekha, maine kaha ye toh kuch rank jaisa lag raha hai meri. Maine kaha sir, itne paise kyun maang rahe ho? Poori building ka humse le loge kya? Humne ek feinka hai, wo bhi aap keh rahe ho, humne toh maana bhi nahi abhi tak. Itne paise thodi na maangte hain koi? Usne humein dikhaya water cooler 1 lakh 35 hazar rupay ka aata hai. Maine kaha sir suno, aisa hai, ye aap logon ki galti hai. Agar aisa hai, toh pehle toh ye cheez aap college ke brochure mein daalo. Sabko pata chalna chahiye ki itna mehenga hai. Aur tumhari himmat kaise hui, ispe se price tag todne ki??? Mujhe pata hota ye itna mehenga aata hai main roz subah uthke swastik banata ispe. Are 25 hazaar rupe mujhe do, main ghada banke baith jaunga wahan pe.
[15:06]Haan yaar, main aise karke ice cubes nikaal du yahan se main. Ye koi baat hai karne ki? Maine kaha sir itne paise nahi hain hamare paas. Kehta main tumhare ghar pe phone karunga. Maine kaha ghar pe bhi nahi hai. Tumhe kya lag raha hai, papa rahees hain main nahi hu? Maine Abdul se poocha, kitne paise hain tere paas? Kehta bhai honge 400-500 ruppe. Maine kaha tu FD kara le jaake bhaag. 400 rupe ka fine bola tha tu? Usne kaha tumhare paas parso tak ka time hai jo karna hai karo, niklo yahan se. Humne kaha theek hai. Hum gaye humne jaake ladkon ko bataya ki humein phasa diya gaya hai. Aur ab paiso ka jugaad karna hai. Poori raat humne planning kari ki kaise kaise paisa aayega. Alag alag jugaad kare humne. 25-30 rupe ikathe kar paye honge mushkil se. Uski bhi chai pi gaye kyunki chai pe hi discuss kar rahe the hum ye. Subah uthe, hostel mein. Guard aaya, humein bulaya. Hum warden ke room mein gaye. Warden ne humse kaha ki jisne bhi feinka tha, uska pata chal chuka hai. Maine kaha, uncle John pakda gaya kya? Kehta nahi aap log nahi ho aap jao yahan se. Theek hai. Thodi der baad hostel mein ek suspension letter aaya, aur ek launda suspend hogya. Tyagi...
[16:21]Lena ek na dena do, Tyagi suspend. Tyagi ke haath mein letter aaya, kehra main kal hostel mein tha? Wo suspense itna bada hogya ki uncle John se bada suspense hogya ki ye kaise suspend hogya? Tyagi gaya warden ke room mein aise gate khol ke. Aise andar ghusa hai, bahar aaya hai aise. Bahar aaya, humne kaha kya hua? Kehta yaar main chutiya hu. Maine kaha wo toh tu hai, par hua kya hai? Kehta yaar main parso nashe mein guard ko bol ke aaya tha ki theek kara do nahi toh feink dunga.
[16:59]Maine kaha wah tyagi ji wah. Bahot badhiya kaam kiya hai aapne. Hamara naam toh nahi hua par aapka kabhi mitega nahi ab.
