I hated every day I woke up...

[0:00]I was dreading going to the rink every day. I did not want to be there and I felt like I was doing it against my own will. I skated every day when I was like 13, 14, so it was a very abnormal childhood. At 14, I hated skating. I started to hate it because I thought that that's where all my issues stemmed from. There was so many days where I would show up to the rink and while warming up, I would just start uncontrollably crying. Especially as a kid, you know, you don't really know what you want. Skating feels more like a responsibility or a burden even. 14 is when I realized like I don't have a mind of my own. I just didn't have too much freedom. I was set on a schedule that someone created for me. Like my whole life was just skating. It takes time out of my life where I could be like at home with friends, family and stuff like that. So I started to think, why am I doing this? I have no input and I just wanted to see my friends, my family. I was 16 homesick because I would move and I trained in Italy, I trained in Colorado and I would just not be home very much. I would celebrate Christmas by myself. Like it was horrible. I'm so tired. And I also skated every day. When COVID hit, that was my first day off. I didn't realize I was so tired until I got that day off. This is what break feels like and then I was like, I really like not skating. So that's when I was like, I got to call it quits right now. When I looked back at it, I was like, wow, I never made like a single decision. I was just agreeing to what everyone else around me was saying. Yeah, taking breaks are really important, but it wasn't even really a break. It was just shifting and doing something different, which I think is equally as important. When I quit, I decided I wouldn't compromise so much of myself to do something that I didn't want to do. I would never do that again. Like making sacrifices for something I didn't think was worth it. I I was done a year before I quit. I knew I wanted to be done way before I actually announced my retirement. I just wanted to be living my life, not having to stress about anything, not having to be tired all the time. Um, so yeah, I was like, I'm done with this. really protect my peace, truly, and it's hard to say no. Um, but for me, I've learned it's so important that I do say no to things. And I, I say no a lot. And I don't really reply to a lot of, too much. So it is easy to block out that noise at the end of the day. Take some time for yourself, spend time alone. I think it really helped me. It was a crucial time in my life. I was 16 and college was coming up. Like I wanted to do so much. The time off I spent, I got to explore so many different hobbies and to gain new perspective, you need to experience new things. It's really simple, but it's hard to realize that when you're kind of in a cycle, um, like a repetitive cycle. So when I stepped back and I did I tried something new, took a whole new life path. I got to really understand who I was. I gained a lot of clarity and sense of self... Um, also because I never had the chance to before, you know, I would just be at the rink all the time and how can you really find out who you are if you're not experiencing other things and trying new things? I knew that retirement was the only way for me to get out into the world and do more. It was so great. Like the world is my oyster type thing. Um, and there was just so much possibility out there for me. My memories from like back then when I skated, they were kind of like cloudy. I definitely, I blocked them out for sure. I don't remember much or kind of what my mindset was to be honest. Probably like cuz it was so bad. I just didn't want to remember. I guess I'm more present now, I guess. Last time I was constantly daydreaming about quitting and what life would be like if I wasn't an athlete. Every day was the same for me and I practice was so serious. Like I would cry after falling on every jump. Um, like I wouldn't even step in the rink, honestly. I was low key a little bit traumatized, so I wouldn't I hated like even being around on the same street as the rink. Like I stayed away. I went skiing for the first time. It was January of 2024 in Heavenly or something. It might've been. I mean, it's really similar to figure skating. Your legs are tired. You're cold, you're going really fast and you feel like a breeze on your face like to get down the mountain. When your legs are that tired, it's hard, and you have to kind of tap into the side of you that fights. And I was like, wow, this is really fun. And you know, I hadn't really done such an extreme sport since I quit skating, you know. I love that feeling. I want to ski all the time, but you can't ski all the time because the mountains are so far. That means I would have to drive myself every weekend to Tahoe and ski, and that's so much work. You know what I mean? And the rink is right there. So I'm going to try figure skating and skating feels just like it and I can skate whenever I want. to kind of go back to the rink. I had to go with my best friend, otherwise I would have never tried it again. And so I'm so glad that she came with me. But yeah, it was really scary to go back. And so I call up Philip and I tell him, hey, I think I want to go back to skating. I mean, he said no, like I don't think you should. I was like really going at it with him and trying to like convince him. because he knew how hard it was for me the last time. And he also knew the reasons why I left, and he didn't want me to make the same mistakes again. I was answering all his questions, and I was answering them quite well, and so I convinced him to start coaching me again. I've definitely evolved into my own person. I love to create now. I get to pick my own program music. I get to pick out what I want my dress to look like, what color I want to use. I get to help with the creative process of the program. I pick my music and I control my training. You know, I'm saying my schedule, I drive myself. If I feel like I'm skating too much, I'll back down. If I feel like I'm not skating enough, I'll ramp it up. No one's going to starve me, tell me what I can and can't eat. I'm a lot stronger physically. I still love to skate, and my mind is very peaceful. I already knew I was better in some ways, like my artistry, I already knew it was better, um, because I was more in my body. I struggle a lot, you know, and I I love it because then I can put in effort. I love struggling. It makes me feel alive. Um, and I can use like all of my strength and my willpower basically. I just like to exercise my willpower in order to do that, you need you need a hard situation, kind of love feeling like I'm on my last breath, I guess, or I physically cannot do more. I love pushing myself to that boundary. I love making mistakes. I love falling. I also love landing and doing really well. So I feel like no matter what the outcome was, I was going to be I was going to be cool with it. I guess I was just missing that when I quit, because life was so easy, you know. You don't have to push your body to its limits, and I I love that feeling because you need to have willpower for it. I think mistakes are beautiful too. So I don't really mind messing up, um, yeah, because it's about the journey. So I don't really care where my life takes me because I know I'll enjoy any road. Yeah, I feel like had I not quit and stepped back, I, I mean, obviously I would not have experienced all that. So, um, yeah, I'm really glad that I listened to myself. Those were some critical years, you know, 16 to 18, 19. Um, my brain is a little bit more developed. Um, I know a little bit more about myself and just be yourself. Um, and yeah, you could take inspiration. That's that's always important. I I actually wouldn't tell my younger self a thing. Why? Um, because she's going to figure out herself. I don't want to change anything. I connect with everything, but I'm not attached to anything. So it's really easy.