Touching Spirit Bear Chapter 25

[0:01]Touching Spirit Bear by Ben Mikaelson, chapter 25. Cole took a deep breath. I think Peter should come here to the island. That's not possible, Edwin said firmly, and you know that. No, I don't know that. His parents would never allow him to come here alone with you. Then you come and stay too, Cole countered. Peter needs to soak in the pond and carry the ancestor rock. He needs to learn how to be invisible and to dance and to carve his totem. He needs to see the spirit bear. Edwin shook his head. I have fishing season starting. And besides, I'm not sure being around you is what Peter needs. I know he's afraid of me and what I did, Cole said. He thinks I'm a monster that's coming back to get him. Maybe if he meets me again face-to-face, he'll see I've changed, and maybe he'll see that he can heal too. Edwin rubbed at his stubble chin. How much have you really changed? Cole felt no anger, but he was tired of trying to prove himself to Edwin. He was tired of trying to prove himself to the world. There are two choices, he said. Give Peter the same chance I've had here on the island or give up and watch him commit suicide. Which would you pick? Edwin shook his head. It's not that simple. It will be if you don't do something soon. I have changed, but Peter's parents don't know that. They'll listen to you. Maybe Garvey could come with him. What makes you think that Garvey has time to come out here to this island and babysit you? The world doesn't revolve around Cole Matthews. Tears blurred Cole's vision. This isn't about me now, he insisted. This is about Peter. I don't know what else to say. That's the best idea I have. His voice broke. I screwed up and I'm doing the very best I can out here on this island. But it won't ever be enough, will it? I can't ever change what I did to Peter, and I can't ever change how you think about me. You're right. You can't change what you did to Peter, said Edwin, his voice softer. But you have changed. He studied Cole, whose cheeks glistened with tears. He laid a gentle hand on Cole's shoulder. Whatever happens, you have changed here on the island. Both Garvey and I know that and we're very proud of you. Before leaving that day, Edwin asked one more question. Would you be willing to stay here longer if that meant helping Peter? I'd stay my whole life if that's what it took. In the days that followed Edwin's surprise visit, Cole spent long periods standing beside the totem log, staring down at the blank space of still at the bottom. His dance of anger had really been the dance of forgiveness and healing. But try as he might, he could think of no shape, form or object that he could carve to show healing, nor could he think of any other way to help Peter. Days plotted by slowly. Cole wavered one day hoping that Peter might come to the island, the next day frightened of the idea. All the while, in the back of his mind, he knew he was a fool for even considering such a thing. No person in his right mind would ever go to an island in Alaska to be alone with someone who had beaten him senseless. Nearly two weeks passed before Edwin returned. Cole was sitting in the cabin reading a book when he heard the high-pitched whine of an outboard engine along with the deep growl of a second engine. He ran to the shoreline in time to see two boats around the point and enter the bay. Edwin's small skiff led the way, followed by a large green fishing trawler. Both boats plowed along, their wakes spreading out behind them like huge fans on the glassy water. Cole could see Edwin alone in the skiff. On the deck of the fishing trawler, two people stood together near the back. Someone else sat alone near the bow. Cole squinted. The person sitting alone on the bow looked smaller than the rest. Cole's heart raced as the boat drew nearer. It was Peter Driscoll. With the boat still 100 yards out from shore, Cole recognized Garvey's stocky bulldog figure at the helm inside the cabin, and he recognized Peter's parents. What were they doing on the boat? Garvey guided the fishing trawler to a stop a stone's throw out from shore and dropped anchor. Edwin steered the aluminum skiff alongside. In minutes, everybody had crawled into the small boat to come ashore. Everyone but Edwin wore heavy jackets and tall rubber boots. Waiting along the shoreline, Cole gave a hesitant wave. Only Garvey waved back. Peter sat near the back, his head down. He glanced up once fearfully, then returned to gazing down between his knees. His parents simply stared. Cole caught the bow as the boat landed. He steadied the skiff so everyone could crawl ashore. Garvey and Edwin both said hello as they climbed onto the rocks. Garvey even gave Cole a friendly slap on the back. Peter's parents nodded stiffly. Peter remained in the boat, glaring fearfully at Cole. Hi Peter, I'm glad you came, Cole said. Still, Peter refused to come ashore. Garvey walked over and took the bow. Give him some space, he whispered. Cole retreated up the rocks and finally Peter crawled stiffly ashore. Edwin helped Garvey pull the boat up on the rocks and tied the rope off to a large rock. Cole glanced nervously at the group. After being alone on the island for so long, he was uncomfortable around this many people, especially Peter. Edwin motioned everyone up to the fire pit. Peter took awkward steps as if struggling forward into a gusty wind. The rest walked in silence except for Garvey. How have you been doing, champ? he asked. Good, I guess, Cole answered. Been soaking in the pond every morning? Cole nodded. It's been too cold most of the winter. The last few weeks I've been soaking as long as I can stand it. Edwin stopped beside the fire pit and invited everyone to pull up a rock or a piece of driftwood for a seat. He worked at starting a fire. Peter pulled up his chunk of wood away from everyone else and sat alone, gazing along the shoreline and out across the bay. After the fire was blazing, Edwin sat down too. You're a long way from Minneapolis, he said. We're not going to pretend this is anything it isn't. Edwin turned to Cole. I have fishing season coming, so Garvey will be staying here with you and Peter. Cole turned to Garvey. How did you get time off? I had a bunch of vacation time built up and I took a leave of absence. Coming here was something I needed as badly as you and Peter. Cole looked at Peter's parents. Are you guys staying too? Mr. Driscoll spoke forcefully, looking directly at Cole. Bringing Peter here might be a huge mistake, but we had no other choice. This has been harder for us than you can ever imagine. We'll be staying until we're positive that he's safe. Nothing is going to hurt him again. Cole swallowed a lump that came to his throat. I'll never hurt anyone again, he said. That's a promise. Edwin leveled his gaze at Cole. A lot has happened in the last two weeks. Garvey and I have lived on the phone. The circle agreed to gather again for many long hours of discussion. Mr. and Ms. Driscoll, as well as Peter, have been forced to make one of the most difficult decisions of their life. Edwin raised a finger at Cole. And it's all because of one thoughtless moment on your part. Cole nodded weakly. Edwin stood. Tonight Peter and his parents can sleep out on the trawler. Garvey and I will stay here in the cabin with you, Cole. Peter continued staring out across the bay. Cole, Edwin said. I want you to tell everyone about your time here on the island. If it takes all afternoon, I want you to show us everything you've been through. Everything from the first minute you came ashore till now. Peter's parents eyed Cole curiously, but Peter remained silent and apart, digging his toe into the mossy grass. Cole pointed to the shoreline. It all started when Edwin and Garvey brought me here a year and a half ago. Edwin had built a small cabin for me with an embarrassed smile he added. The cabin was a lot better than this one I built, but I burned it down. I was so mad I couldn't think straight. I hated Edwin and Garvey and you guys. I hated the circle and this island and everything on it. Cole pressed his hands against his knees so that nobody would see his finger shaking. He took a deep breath and told how after burning the cabin down, he had tried to escape by swimming. He pointed, that's where the first cabin was, and that's where I dragged myself to after trying to swim away from the island. The tide pushed me back to shore. I slept there in the hot ashes. Cole told them about seeing the spirit bear. Edwin had told me about them, he said, but he said they live much farther south of here and off the British Columbia coastline. When I saw one down on the shore staring at me, I tried to kill it. Why did you want to kill the bear? asked Mr. Driscoll. What had it done to you? Cole paused licking at his dry lips. It made me mad that the bear wasn't afraid of me. I wanted to destroy anything that defied me. Does that make sense? When nobody answered, Cole motioned for everyone to follow him. Come, I'll show you where I was attacked. Everyone stood to follow except Peter. Come, dear, Mr. Driscoll gently coaxed Peter by pulling on his arm. Reluctantly, he got up and followed her. Again, he was walking awkwardly, stumbling often. Cole showed where he had tried to kill the bear and told how he had been mauled. As best he could, he recounted every painful memory of the next two days. He told how the bear had licked up his spit and how he had finally touched the spirit bear. He even told how he ate the mouse. That's the tree the lightning knocked down, he said, pointing to where was now only a rotting log. He found himself blinking back tears as he told about the baby sparrows. I deserved to die, he said. They didn't, but that was the first time I was really scared that I might die. That was when I first started thinking about my life and cared about something besides myself. And that was when Edwin and Garvey found me. Cole talked about his rehabilitation after being rescued and about returning to the island. He showed the group his scars and his bad arm. If you want, I'll show you the pond where I go soak every morning. When Edwin nodded, Cole led the way, explaining how soaking cleared his mind. He also told about seeing the spirit bear again. When they reached the pond, Peter's father asked, will we see the spirit bear today? Cole shook his head. I don't think so, not with this many of us here. Tomorrow morning, whoever wants to can join me for a soak in the pond. Sometimes the spirit bear comes and watches me soak. When nobody volunteered, he added with a smile. This time of year, the water's really cold. After showing them the pond and the ancestor rock, Cole headed back toward camp. The group hiked quietly, each person lost in thought. When they reached camp, Cole explained how he had built the cabin, and then he returned to the fire pit. This is where I dance all my dances, he said. Last of all, he showed the group his totem and explained the lessons learned with each carving. When he reached the blank spot at the bottom, he hesitated. What are you going to carve down there? asked Garvey. Cole shrugged. I haven't decided yet. He didn't want to talk about the uncarved space. Before Cole could change the subject, Edwin spoke up. Why don't you tell us why you haven't decided yet? Cole struggled to keep his voice steady as he told of the long night around the fire and his dance of anger. My dad has beaten me my whole life, he explained, but I know now that he never meant to hurt me. He was beaten by his father, and that's all he knew. Cole swallowed a big lump that had formed in his throat. I learned to forgive, he said, not just others, but also myself. He turned and caught Peter looking at him. When I beat you up, he said, I never meant to hurt you. It was all I knew. You still didn't say why you haven't carved anything in that space on the totem, Edwin persisted. Cole's voice quivered. Because the dance of anger taught me, I can't heal until I help Peter to heal. He's the one I hurt. Leave me alone, Peter blurted, turning away. I don't want your help.