[0:00]If you've been close to an avoidant, you might have noticed something unusual and strange. When they have feelings for you, when they care, they don't move towards you, they move away. And I used to be dismissive avoidant, and the reason people move away from a relationship when they have an avoidant attachment style, it's not because of a lack of feelings. It's because of a fear of closeness. And because I want to help you get a bit of clarity of what's going on in this relationship with this dismissive avoidant. I'm going to share with you seven typical behaviors of what avoidants will do, that tells you that actually they care about the relationship. Not because I want you to entertain any false hope or romanticize that relationship, but to give you clarity and understand what you're dealing with. I'll explain everything after the jungle. Being an avoidant, as you know, I used to be dismissive avoidant, the name of my channel is the avoidant therapist. And I'm doing this because I know a lot of people want to understand our world. You know, because fundamentally when you're dating someone with a different attachment style and yours, knowing how they function solves almost half of the problem. So my past and it's not really about my past but just to explain you a bit of background. I grew up with amazing parents, loving parents, they're still married. Um, but I was not always emotionally available. So I developed a sense of I need to be self-reliant, I need to be autonomous. And that's what I need to do in a relationship. Um, and obviously my personal journey taught me that what we learn as kids, is not always what we need as adults. So after many failed uh relationship with amazing girls, um, and through my training, I discovered that, okay, there's this thing attachment theory. And actually we can work at being more secure. Um, and so that's what I'm doing now and I'm going to share these behaviors in a second. If you want to have a chat with me about your situation, have a look in the description there's a link, um, should you want to have a session with me. Um, especially if you're dating an avoidant and want to know what the hell is going on with them. Because there's nothing wrong than being stuck, asking the questions again and again, watching these videos, asking PT and still feeling stuck. So, um, if you want to break that loop, feel free to contact me and I'll be more than happy to help you if I'm available when you want to book the call. So the first element is the, the first behavior is sudden distance. Again, all of the behaviors that I'm going to share are confusing and the idea is it's confusing for you, it's not confusing for them. It's really a coping mechanism. They are triggered, their reaction is to, in that sense, um, distance themselves from the relationship from their partner. As they, you know, maybe you have an amazing weekend, this is typical situation, amazing weekend together. Amazing. You shared, um, things about yourself, your fear. Um, you had amazing intimacy and so on and so forth. Monday, you don't hear anything from them. They disappear as nothing happens. And the thing is when you're not aware of attachment style and you feel well, what are they doing? You can assume this is they're just not interested. But at the same time, if you're like, but what did we have that we can, was it true, was it manipulative? Was it all a lie? And the thing is, they withdraw, they pull away because of this fear of closeness. This, they kind of reach capacity, their capacity level of handling intimacy. Um, second element, second behavior is intermittent communication. Presence, so they are always there, always replying, um, and then at some stage, and it's very hard to pinpoint what you've done and what you've said, they withdraw. Right? And the problem is, obviously, it creates a lot of uncertainty. Right? The reason they do that is because they feel overwhelmed. Again, it's a question of capacity. How can I, you know, maintain communication, interaction, et cetera, et cetera. The the push pull here is really something internal. I like this girl, I like this, uh, this partner. I want to have a conversation but I don't know exactly what to do. I don't know how to drive the conversation. I don't know what I should discuss. I'm scared as well to open up.
[4:47]I want to connect but I'm scared of being attached.
[4:54]So this is also something you need to assess, should you want to assess the potential of the relationship is whether this person not not only is not only limited by their attachment but also at this point in time in their life, what do they want in terms of relationship? And that has nothing to do with being avoidant. Being avoidant is like adding another layer but maybe at this point in time in their life, they don't want to be in a committed relationship. They're not ready to be in a relationship. So that's also something that's not part of this video. I'm going off script. If you're in that case where you think, it's just a question of waiting long enough. It's just a question of he will figure out or she will figure out that no, they won't a committed relationship. You're potentially putting yourself in a difficult position. Third one is the push-pull pattern. They move toward you, then away, move toward you, then away. Um, this is typical of you activate if you have an extra attachment style. As you pressure them or ask for, um, make some emotional beads, they feel overwhelmed, they pull away. The more they pull away, the more you want to get reassurance, et cetera, et cetera. Um, and so that's why you have this pattern, for example, in terms of communication or texting on and off. From these, from the outside, obviously, this is really destabilizing, um, and the the thing is, again, it's important to pause for a second and understand what's going on here. When you have a push pull, this is the sign of a fight between the closeness that they desire. Because we all need to be attached to a primary attachment figure. But the thing is when you have an avoidant attachment style, you are blocking this need. Right? And so there's this fear, closeness, whoa, it's too close. Closeness, whoa, it's too close. And again, your job is to assess what are the things that I can control without tring myself, without abandoning my needs. To ensure that together we can make it work. And if I have a secure attachment style, understand that maybe there's nothing else I can do and I should walk away from this relationship. So, it's not because I'm used to be dismissive avoidant, and I'm going to be on the dismissive avoidant team. Let's be clear, and I've seen a lot of comments on my videos, stay away from avoidant, never date an avoidant. Obviously, life is more complex than that. There's as many avoidants as partners, as people, it's you are on that journey of figuring out yourself with them. Assessing whether this time around this relationship will be something that you can build, co-create together, or whether you're the only one trying to repair the relationship. Fourth one is subtle testing. So, this is again very unconscious. They don't do it on purpose. People might say, oh, they're manipulative, they're narcissistic, etcetera. About 40% of the population is avoidant. 5% is narcissistic. So, there's like 35% more people who are avoidant. Um, so they might have indirect questions, um, small comments. The thing is they're assessing how much you care. So, there's always this fear or this narrative in the background like, do they love me as more than I do? I want to assess how much they love me. Because if they love me too much, that's going to be overwhelming.
[9:00]And the other way around is they're assessing how can I get how close can I get without feeling exposed? So how I have feelings for this, let's say, my case, I have the feelings for this girl. But somehow it's very scary. To tell her I love her, to open up to her. So I'm going to test few things, maybe by being sarcastic, maybe by being fun, making fun. How far can I get to convey this idea without taking any risk? And that's why again, it's very frustrating because you feel like, I want to be in that relationship. Let's be open books and communicate properly, but somehow they are blocking things. Fifth one, which is typical is emotional avoidance. Um, they will avoid emotional conversations. They will avoid, um, deep feelings or expressing deep feelings because it's a threat. If I say I'm in love with you, I'm basically giving you handing you my heart. And then I'm so scared what you're going to do with my heart because you can, you know, being avoidant. You can be avoidant and be scared of rejection. Right? So, so the point is to really understand that there's an element of them experiencing something, probably the same way you experience it, but they're blocking it. They have a hard time to express it. So, that's why they will usually keep things super light, superficial, neutral, they will try to avoid the subject. Again, this could come across as indifference, what it is in reality is discomfort. Because whenever, just speaking about that makes me uncomfortable, opening up, vulnerable. This is super scary. I've been taught, if I take my example. I've been told I young age. He's kind of like boys don't cries, you'll be okay. Um, be strong. So, if I'm the one opening up, it's going against all my belief, all the things that I've learned as a young boy, if I take my example, for example. Sixth one, I I kept the the best one for the last, last part. Uh, strong need for space. There's always this element as well of of space. So it's not only emotional conversation, but it's also the space. Um, I was reading a book the other day and he was saying avoidants, they like to be in the same house, not in the same room. It's exactly how I feel sometimes with my spouse. Um, we protect our independence. Um, and it doesn't mean we don't care. That doesn't mean that we're not attached. It means this is how we self-soothe. When you have an anxious attachment style, you over-rely on your partner to regulate your emotion. So, you, which is which is dangerous because you give that regulation, um, role to your partner. And by the way, if you break up with an avoidant, it's even worse because you're handing out that regulation to someone who left you. It's usually where you need to start working on yourself and building a secure attachment style after a breakup with an avoidant, because you need to learn to be able to self-regulate. A little bit like avoidant too. Let's always about the balance, not only about doing everything on your own, but it's like having sense of doing it on your own, coregulating with your partner. And so, as you have this closeness increasing, they start to retreat because they need autonomy. They need control. In that case, when they pull back, when they ask for space, it's self-protection. Of course, when they go back, we feel they are pushing us away. But it's not rejection in that sense. And again, that's where you have to be subtle in understanding whether it's disinterest, whether it's just them being, uh, activated or triggered by the relationship. Last one, and then there's something super important. Stick with me. Actions over words. This is also my mantra when I help my clients. I don't care about words. What, the only thing that matters are actions. So, for avoidants, that could be, um, act of service. They will help you. You need them, they'll show up. They're not going to have a big speech about love and their feelings, but when you did them, they show up. Um, this is what you need, right? Um, spending time with you, being there, et cetera, et cetera. This is like typical of who I am. I would be more comfortable doing and over delivering than declaring. And in a way, sometimes I envy narcissistic people because they are so great at manipulating and using words that they don't have to take any action. They don't have to prove anything. They can pretend, they can say nice things, and in a way, get that person attached to them without any investment. Right? So, you need to assess, if you want to repair relationship with an avoidant, the actions and not the words, the behaviors over time, the consistency. If they struggle to name their emotions, to be vulnerable, et cetera, et cetera, it's not the end of the world. Now, if that person is not showing up, is not helping, is not supporting you, maybe they don't understand why you're triggered, why you're scared, why you're anxious, but they're there for you, that's good enough. That's what it is to be in a relationship. Now, having said that, understanding attachment style, understanding them being an avoidant, doesn't make it viable. And it doesn't mean you should wait. Wait for them to realize what they've lost. Wait for them to work on themselves. Work for them or work on the relationship. As I said, we're happy together, but somehow, push pull. I want things to go to the next stage, but they don't. But if I stick long enough and if I don't express my needs, then probably he or she will realize. Be careful with that. Be careful because at some at some stage, you need to draw the line. Knowing that you've been secure in how you approach things. Yes, they have their own past, they have their own trauma, and that can explain some of their behaviors. But at the end of the day, what you need is a partner where you feel safe, secure, where you feel like we can look in the same direction. We can have projects together and I feel I don't have to walk on eggshells. I can be myself and so on and so forth. And this is why it's very important to master your attachment and you'll master your relationships. Take care.
