[0:00]Hey guys, I just hit a milestone recently. I haven't drank alcohol in eight years.
[0:09]Yeah, when I quit drinking, my ex-husband started collecting whiskey and I thought that was kind of annoying. So I was like, hey, how come when I quit drinking, you started collecting whiskey and he was like, I have been trying to collect it the whole time.
[0:29]Didn't realize it was a collector's item. I'm from Wisconsin. We drink. Yeah, our, uh, our state bird is a drunk driver. Our state tree is a sugar maple with an F-150 wrapped around it. But we have to drink because it's so cold there, you know? I, uh, when I was in junior high school to warm up for school, I would wake up in the morning and my ex-stepmom had a tanning bed in the basement. And I would go downstairs and fire that puppy up and get in there to warm up. I called it the Midwest microwave. So by the time I got to home room, my skin was hot to the touch, just the way my teacher liked it.
[1:19]Oh, that was tough for you. This set's gonna ruin your life. You guys better buckle up.
[1:29]When I was 15, I gave up drinking for lent, but that was too hard, so I gave up Catholicism instead. Much easier. And the priest wasn't sad to see me go because I was not his type.
[1:49]I think we can all agree that getting drunk with guns is a bad idea, right? Yeah, we call it hunting season in Wisconsin. My dad's very into that, and last time I was home, he told me, he was like, Brittany, I have 72 guns. And he's like, when I die, your cousins are gonna try and come over and take them, and you can't let them take them. You have to sell them to them. And I was like, well, that's a really interesting way to tell me that when I'm going through the greatest tragedy of my life, I'm also gonna become an arms dealer. And he's like, you have to be careful, you know, you can't sell them to any school shooters. And I was like, I thought you just said I'm only selling them to our cousins and he was like, exactly. It is dangerous out there, especially being a girl. I carry pepper spray. I don't know if you guys know this about pepper spray, but if you spray it and the wind is in your face, it just, yeah, renders you more helpless. So, always rape with the wind at your back.
[3:16]I'm just kidding, you guys. This is a comedy show. These are jokes. I've obviously been raped.
[3:26]If you haven't, you gotta get out there. A lot of you guys hated that joke, but I promise you didn't hate it as much as I hated getting raped, so. Oh, if these are tough for you, I'm just telling you, it only gets worse. You guys probably won't believe me if I told you my mom's black, but she is, she's a pile of ash.
[3:55]She did kill herself, and you guys not laughing at these jokes won't bring her back to life. She killed herself three days before my wedding. Yeah, that's one way to RSVP. I'm just kidding, she wasn't invited.
[4:15]But she did die doing what she loves, which is stealing my spotlight. To be fair, her suicide was a warning shot, the marriage wasn't gonna work.
[4:27]We did get divorced, but we tried our best. We gave it our best shot, you know. She'd be proud. My mom did die for these jokes, so if you could show a little respect. You could show a little respect. That would be great. No, when I was growing up, she was obsessed with being the hottest mom. She had big fake tits and an eating disorder, and she would send my sister and I to school with Slimfast shakes in a brown paper bag as our lunch. That was our whole lunch. And anytime you tell anyone about any type of abuse, they like to say, what could be worse? And it could have been worse, but I would have taken a right hook any day for a Lunchable. The good news is, she did finally reach her goal weight when she was cremated.
[5:19]She wanted to be a hot mom, you guys. She is the hottest. I live in LA, so I do woo-woo shit. I have a clairvoyant. For those of you who don't know what a clairvoyant is, it's somebody that communicates with the other side. And I was talking to him recently and he said, your mom's spirit is restless and she wants to come back down to Earth. He said, in two years, you're gonna get pregnant and she is gonna reincarnate as your child. I was like, okay, so what I'm hearing you say is in two years, I'm having an abortion. She got her the first time. I'm gonna get her the second time.
[6:05]Let me just Googling, when does the soul enter the fetus. Got to hit her with a kill shot. I don't think I should have kids. What do you guys think? You guys are like, we don't think you should have kids either. I, uh, I don't think I can have kids because I'm bad at lying, you know, I think you have to lie to protect children and I'm not, I'm not good at that. Like my gay friends have a daughter and I was talking to her the other day and she's six years old or maybe 12, I don't know. It's none, it's none of my business. Knowing a kid's age is weird. But she said to me, she said, why do you do comedy? And I said, cuz my mom didn't love me. And she said, oh, my daddy's love me and I was like, right, but where's mommy? See you on the stage, sweetheart. I'm bad at lying in general though, you know. I, uh, I can't do dirty talk. I was hooking up with a guy recently and he started dirty talking with me. And he started with a classic. He's like, you like this big dick, girl, you like this big dick? And I was like, it's, you know, it's average. He was a white Jewish man. I was diversifying my portfolio, you know. And, uh, then the next question he asked me was the most insane question anyone's ever asked me. He said, um, is this the biggest dick you've ever had in your entire life? And I was down there. I started panicking. I was laughing. Which probably felt good physically, but not emotionally, you know? And I was like, how do I tell him that I fucked the entire NBA? Like, how do I tell him if his dick casts a high noon shadow, that shadow still wouldn't be the biggest dick I've ever had in my entire life? You just shouldn't go into the bedroom asking questions you don't want answers to, right? Like I would never go in there and be like, is this the tightest little pussy you've ever had in your entire life? And no, cuz it's not. And I know it's not. Because every once in a while, I feel a draft up there. And it is the NBA draft. All right, San Diego, you guys have been great. Have a great night.
