[0:00]One of the most important things you can learn as a woman is how to detach without becoming cold. My entire life changed when I realized I could want something without obsessing over it, and this is going to be the thing that changes your life too. Because most women live in extremes, it is in our nature, we either over-attach and spiral, or we become ruthless and pretend we don't care. But the real power isn't in being hot or cold, it is in staying anchored. And that balance and internal steadiness is what separates emotionally reactive women to women who are just truly unbothered. So today, we're breaking down the psychology of emotionally detached women, the state internally they are operating from, and how you can start to use this and embody it in your own life without losing your softness. Because real detachment in its simplest form is not that you own nothing, it's that nothing owns you. First, what is emotional detachment not? It is not being cold, it is not being vengeful, spiteful, aloof, and it is certainly not suppressing your emotions and becoming emotionally unavailable. It is feeling your emotions to all of their entirety, but without letting them dictate your behavior. I know this better than anyone, emotions can literally take over your entire being and convince you to do things that you normally wouldn't. So learning that you can care without being controlled is truly what becomes the game changer. Detached women do not lose themselves to outcomes, to people, to timelines, to their emotions. They simply surrender to the thing, the emotion, the experience, and that is where their power and their unbothered energy is coming from. Now, it's so important that I say your energy behind your detachment matters 10 times more than your behavior. If you are trying as a mask to present yourself as detached, but internally you are spiraling, you're ruminating, you're stewing, you're playing things over and over in your head, but externally you're trying to come off as very detached, it's not detachment. If you're pretending not to care in hopes that it gets him to text you back faster, that is not detachment. If your internal dialogue is saying, I am going to pull my energy back, I am going to take a step back and let him realize my worth and what he's missing, that is not detachment. All of those scenarios are you strategizing your attachment. You internally feel like nobody hears my thoughts, nobody can sense what I'm feeling, so I can fully mask to the outside world that I am detached. I can pretend like I don't care, but internally your energy is completely different, you actually still do really, really care, and behind closed doors, you are opening your phone up 24/7. Any ping that you get, you are hoping it's him, you're hoping that all of this strategy and this like attempt to be detached is gonna change, but ultimately, everything is energy. And so, even though we can't hear your thoughts and he can't hear your thoughts, he can feel them and he can sense them because energy is felt, true detachment is surrender, like full and true surrender internally as well as externally, obviously. And true surrender just means you're surrendered to the experience and how it is unfolding in real time. You are not thinking about what it could be, what it might be, what you would love it to be. You are simply just allowing it to unfold naturally every single day, minute by minute, hour by hour. One of the biggest things you have to learn if you want to shift into the energy of being an emotionally detached woman, you have to learn how to live through an experience instead of living for it. I know that doesn't sound like a very big difference and they sound quite similar, but they really are not. When you are surrendered, you are living through the experience, you are allowing it to unfold in natural real time, versus when you're living for it, you are living for the experience to be what you want it to be. Your happiness, your entire energy and internal state is derived from the outcome of that experience that you're having. Living through it is being fully surrendered to it, allowing it to unfold naturally and deciding that whatever happens in this experience, and in this situation, I'm currently just enjoying the process. And that is a very big difference. When your detachment is coming with a condition attached to it, like, I am going to completely step back from this situation, so that, I am going to not text, so that, I am going to act unbothered, so that, those are all conditions. You're still trying to make something happen, and so you're doing something in order to get X outcome, which is still managing, it is still controlling, and you are still attached to it. So your result in the end is always going to be the same as if if you were just open about your attachment. Because nothing about your internal state has actually changed for the result to change. Emotionally detached women are not faking it. They are genuinely surrendered and detached, and that's why they win, because their calm state is real. It is their dominant internal operating system. There's a core rule emotionally detached women all follow, whether they know it consciously or not, but they are saying within themselves, the more attached I am to an outcome, the less power I have in it. And this should be your guiding rule as well. It is definitely mine after years of trial and error. This is all coming from you live and direct with real experience, the more you are attached to something, the less power and control you actually have over it. And that is the funniest thing about humans, not even just women, just humans in general. We think that we have so much power when we're conscious of it, when we're in control of our control, we feel like we have genuine control. But the paradox is that the more control we think we have or we're perceiving to have in the situation, the less control we actually have of it, because it has the control over us, because of how fixated we are on the thing, the person, the situation, the place. And without realizing it, attachment creates all of these different behaviors that in the moment we don't even know we're doing, they just seem so natural and effortless, but attachment will always create behavior like over-texting, over-thinking, over-explaining, over-justifying, literally just everything in excess. We have all been there at some point in our lives, guilty. You're guilty too, we are all guilty, we are women with a lot of emotion. We start sending paragraphs, we start justifying, we start over correcting and over explaining ourselves. We start trying to clarify, and we hope that if we have one more conversation, they will finally get the point and everything will change. And we keep trying to search for that one last conversation, that one more bit of closure, that one more inch of whatever, we hope that that is going to finally be the thing, that is the aha moment for that person, for that situation. You are just constantly seeking out the next thing to make it happen. And in those moments, it definitely feels like there is some sort of control. We have our hand in the pie, we're feeling like, okay, we got this, I've got that one more text that I'm going to send, that's going to really seal the deal. I've got that one more conversation lined up and it gives you that fuel, you feel excited again, it's this rush in your nervous system, but it's fake. And in those moments, it genuinely feels like you are doing something positive with your time, it feels like you are finally making a shift and you have some sliver of control, but it is perceived control. The thing with attachment, and it's so sneaky, it creates the illusion of control. You think you have control, but ultimately you know that it's not real, whether or not you realize in the moment or after, five years down the line, five days down the line, you know that it's not real control because you can never, ever have actual control over someone's will, their decisions, their thinking processes, and their actions and whatever they choose to do, you don't have control over it and you never will. But you know what you do have control over, your personal information floating around on the internet. And I'll be honest, this is not something I really have thought of much until recently, when I decided to do a little Google search on my name, you know, as we do, it's late night, we want to know what people are seeing when we type in our name. And if you've never done it, please do it, because what I'm about to share is going to reveal a little bit of a scary situation. When you type your name into Google and you start clicking around all of the websites that populate, you will notice that your personal information is scattered all over the internet and you had no idea. Your phone number, your email, your home address, and sometimes, which is even scarier, information about your relatives. And it's all being collected and sold by these companies called data brokers, which I just learned about, and they basically build profiles on your personal information and then sell it to advertisers and whoever else is wanting it. Just think about that for a second, we are so focused on protecting our peace and our energy from toxic people, people in our lives, and like this immediate sort of circle that we're living with day to day, but we don't realize or ever stop to think about our personal data is just out there. And that's where today's sponsor Incogni comes in. Incogni basically helps you remove your personal data from these data broker websites automatically.
[10:15]So instead of having to basically track down one by one all of these different websites and then emailing them one by one to have your data removed, Incogni just goes in there and does it automatically for you. It's basically doing it on your behalf and then it's continuing to monitor those sites so that your personal information continues to stay off. And if you use their unlimited plan, they have something called custom removals, which means if you find a specific page with your personal information exposed, you can just send them the link and their team will just handle the removal request for you. So again, while you cannot control and never will be able to control someone else's feelings and decisions, you can control how much of your personal information is floating around online, so it's better to just focus on the things that you actually can control. If you want to try Incogni and protect your data, which I highly, highly recommend you do, you can use the link in my description box or the code Vickita here on screen to get 60% off their annual plans. Now let's get back to the actual psychology of detached women. Detached women operate very differently. Instead of consistently just reacting, they get an emotion and then they listen to the whisper of that emotion, telling them to do something, and then they basically just go and do it. They pause, they observe, they have specific criteria they are looking for in somebody, in an experience, in a situation, but they don't manage the experience based on that criteria. They just sit back, they go into observation mode, and they basically just let other people's behavior speak for itself. Because understand this, and hear me when I say, somebody's mask will always drop. People cannot hold on the ruse that they are presenting to you for long. People will always get exposed, people will always eventually tell on themselves. And if you are constantly having your hand in the pie trying to control things and manage everything, you are actually doing yourself a disservice because you are prolonging the truth of the situation. Whether that's in your favor or not, but you need to allow situations to unfold without your interference in them, so you can actually see the situation and the experience for what it is and what it was going to be regardless of if you are in there managing it. And paradoxically again, that stability in watching how things unfold is what actually creates a change and shift in the end. There's an old story about a Daoist farmer, which is one of my favorite parables, I have told it before. A Daoist farmer has a horse, it runs away, the neighbors say, that's awful. He says, maybe. The horse comes back with another horse, they say, that's amazing. He says, maybe. His son falls off the new horse and breaks his leg, they say, that's terrible. He says, maybe. War breaks out and his son can't be drafted because of his leg injury, and they all say, that's lucky. He says, maybe. It's one of my favorite parables because of its power of neutrality and how it showcases it. It's so important that when you are moving through your life and going through situations and experiences, that you do not preemptively and very hastily label it as good or bad. Emotionally detached women operate from a place of neutrality. Just think about how many times in your own life something bad has happened, which actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise. And how many times have you experienced something as super amazing and good in the moment, but then as it started to unfold, it revealed problems and things that you never foresaw coming.
[14:15]Most things rarely ever mean what we think they mean in the moment. But the second we label something, this is terrible or this is amazing and beautiful, we attach to the label, and once we attach to it, we actually suffer 10 times more, because now reality is not matching the story that we created in our head too early on. You label something as the worst thing ever, so now you're spiraling. You label something as the best thing ever and the most amazing thing that's ever happened to you, so now you cling to it. But instead, what if it's just unfolding? The point is, something can feel catastrophic today and then completely reframe itself in six months, and something can feel like the most amazing dream today, and then later reveal why it was never aligned.
[15:14]When you attach and label too quickly, you do not allow life to reveal what it's doing for you. There's zero space for life to show you, hey, this is actually the point of this. Maybe there's a lesson in this person or this situation. There are so many different ways things can unfold, and we will never really know how they are supposed to unfold, what they are meant in our life until they reach their natural endings, or the end is revealed to us and maybe it's the love of our life or the most amazing job in the world. Detached women leave room, which means that they're just not rushing to define every single thing in their life, super early on or even as they start to let the situation unfold. They are not attaching anything to anything, they are simply just experiencing life with that thing. They are just letting things play out, and that alone right there protects 99% of your peace. So, something good happens, maybe. Something bad happens, maybe. Another rule emotionally detached women follow, which makes up their internal positioning is they are not relying on feelings, they are relying on facts. This also changed my life and I actually came up with this years ago when I was really going through it and I was like, you know what, I need to have some sort of rule in my life. And that was facts over feelings, evidence over emotion. This has saved me countless times and it continues to anchor me to this day, when I become human because I am and you are too. We are all going to attach to something or someone, even when we know better because feelings get involved and we are not robots, but these are the rules that ground you and anchor you and remind you that yes, somebody can say that they are in love with you, but they don't call you for two weeks. That's fact over feelings. The emotionally attached version of you is going to say, but he's busy, but he said. There's just a lot of justifications. The detached version says, evidence over emotion, behavior over words. Of course, it is going to feel like a disappointment when something doesn't go the way that you want it or that you've hoped for it to go. But it's not that you shouldn't feel disappointment, it's that you are no longer trying to protect and like go to bat and fight for this fantasy that you have created in your head that is not actually aligned with reality. I always say this in my own life, the moment Vickita starts to be a manager, the moment I start to get into a managerial role, analyzing, justifying, I'm basically becoming somebody's brand manager and PR. Okay. The moment I'm in that role, I need to step back and I need to re-evaluate. Because no one should ever have you in a managerial position, having to like clean up on aisle 10, constantly, you know, get together and like fix the image and all of this. Like we should not be doing that, and the moment you notice yourself getting into that role, it might not even be about them. It's just solely could be about you. You have to take a step back and re-evaluate what's going on. Detached women love very deeply, like I said in the beginning, detachment is not about suppressing your emotions and becoming emotionally unavailable. It's about allowing yourself to love deeply, to care deeply, but not abandon yourself in the process in order to have this. The thing with women, and it is just again, like I said, in our nature, we are on one end of the spectrum, but we need to learn to find the balance. Learning to love deeply, allowing yourself to love deeply and be loved deeply without letting yourself be all consumed by it, and it completely take over your entire being and like sort of engulf you. Detached women are not operating from this place and this is why they're always winning because their internal position is so strong. They are not allowing their identity to be completely taken over by somebody else. They don't need fuel from someone else, and most importantly, they are not relying on someone else or something outside of them to be their oxygen, basically their lifeline. They are solid first. Love is not and never should be a survival, it's an add-on. It's like the cherry on top of an already beautiful, juicy life that you have created for yourself. So if something doesn't work out, it is not a catastrophe. It won't break you, it'll hurt you, it might disappoint you, but it will not completely crumble and shatter you to the point where you cannot go on anymore. Because you never allowed your sense of self and identity to be outsourced. So nothing can truly collapse inside, and that is really just the core of it. When your entire life is wrapped up into one person, into one thing, one outcome, one opportunity, of course, if it don't work out, it's going to be catastrophic. Trust me, I have been there. Something that has drastically helped me with this and changed my life, and I know it will change yours, because all detached women do this, is doing something called diversifying your emotional investments. Friends, projects, your health, your glow-up goals, your family, your hobbies, shall I go on? You have to have things in your life that are making you feel alive, but are not attached to anything external. I know we've talked about sort of like surface level attachment, but attachment can become dangerous when it is centralized and concentrated and poured into one specific thing. When you do this and you centralize your attachment, and you literally just like get a target and you focus on that thing, you are now basically gambling your entire identity with that thing, and one shift, it might not even crumble or be catastrophic, but one shift that makes you feel a little wobbly is going to completely wreck you. Your entire internal world is going to go poof. Now, the inverse is when your energy is spread across a very full life, you know, you've planted seeds in a bunch of different areas, you're watering them, they're growing, all is good, nothing feels fatal, and those sort of like doomsday moments where you wake up and all of a sudden you're like, oh my God, like, what is my life? What am I doing? They all start to disappear. One thing that I also have to mention, because most don't talk about this when we're talking about detachment, when you are building that beautiful full life across all different gardens and planting different seeds, you also have to remain detached. One thing I have noticed across women who win and women who don't is their ability to not let everything mean something. So many women complain about things they have full control over. We do not have an information problem, we have an execution problem. Women, people, love to complain, everyone loves to complain about what they don't have, what they wish they had, how much weight they have to lose, how much fat they have to lose, how ugly they feel, all of these things. So much complain, zero execution. You can get onto Google, and you can type in, how many calories, blah, blah, blah, what foods should I be eating? Like, you have everything at your fingertips, so for you to be complaining, it's just so annoying. You want to start making content, start posting content. You want to lose weight, change your diet, get a gym membership, and get to the gym. Emotionally detached women who have these very full lives that make them feel alive, so that they're not centralizing all of their attachment, are not complaining, they're executing. But more importantly, when they are executing and they don't see sudden rewards, because rarely does anything just happen like this, they are not letting that shake them. When I started posting in 2022 on social media, knowing this is the job that I wanted, it was grueling. I posted thousands of pieces of content across every social media platform. It was hard, it did not work in the first year. It actually didn't even work in the first year and a half, it only worked at the end of 2023, and I had started this whole thing, building it out 2021, and then started officially posting in 2022. But the thing was, it was grueling, but I wasn't emotionally attached. Low views actually literally meant nothing to me. I was not internalizing it as a reflection of my identity. Low view video after low view video, one or two or three views on YouTube videos, I kept going and now here I am. I make a very good full-time income off of YouTube, off of doing what I love, posting content online, and helping women. But it was because I was not attached to people's validation, people telling me, oh my God, your content's really good. I literally had that Kanye mindset. I know I'm great, so I don't need to hear that I'm great because at the end of the day, the rest of the world is going to catch up. I wasn't attached to timelines and to outcomes. I wasn't attached to how others perceive me. And this is the key, emotionally detached women are also not attached to these things because it means nothing to be attached to them. They don't help move your life any way forward. You genuinely have to be completely cut off and detached from anything outside of you. Because if you're not, you will never manifest your dream life, the dream relationship, the dream career, the dream body, whatever it is you want in your life. You will not be able to secure it if you are consistently attached to what certain things mean in the process of getting that thing. The entire point is to care, but not control, and that is when you really start to get everything you want. And that's exactly what I break down in this video here, the psychology of women who always get what they want. So if you want to understand what happens after detachment, what happens after this video, and how that internal stability actually translates into real life results, watch this video next, and I will see you.
