[0:04]Thank you all for coming. All right. I am Dr. Pap with septie and this is Special Agent Fitzsimmons with the NSA. Now, you're all here because you've experienced a verified alien abduction. Yeah. You know what it was wild. One second, we're three friends on a camping trip and the next, we're citizens of the stars. And sir, before we begin, may I say something? I'm just realizing that I was wearing the same outfit last time I was here. I just want you to know I do have other clothes. Noted. Um now, how were you all brought on board the craft? Well, we were hit with this warm soft light and then we materialized on the spaceship in front of these two glowing beings. And our clothes were gone but we were wearing these comfy robes made of transparent light. And you, Miss Rafferty?
[1:19]A little different for me. I was by the lake taking a whore bath. That's when you wash the pits and bits. And out of nowhere, I get sucked up by a giant vacuum cleaner hose. And I land on the ship, still pantsless, mind you, so my my juicer and my doucer are on full display. And I see my old buddies, the gray aliens with the big dumb eyes, and it hits me. I've been on this spaceship more times I've been to a dentist. I see. And once aboard the ship, what happened? Oh, the aliens like taught us a universal language. The closest word we have for it is love. Yeah, their language is like a a soothing, beautiful sound, and I I don't know if I could do it justice, but it's like a like a
[2:17]I I didn't do it justice. I didn't. All right, now this gets my goat because these two are getting ASMR love tingles. Meanwhile, down in Jen Pop, the grays and I are doing our usual dance. They're batting my knockers. They're staring down the barrel of my south mouth. I don't know, their heart wasn't in it. I I saw I saw one of them do this like, "I'm good. You know, you can have my turn." Anyway, that's when Todd here showed up. Todd, you left the beings made of light. I did, sir. Yeah, I got lost in the way to the bathroom. And how did they react when you walked into the room? Like a middle schoolers meeting Taylor Swift, they just mobbed me, sir. I wonder what was the cause of the excitement? Can I throw out a theory? These things, they're smoothed down there. They're like a broken doorbell, you know, uh no dong. And, um you know, I'm wearing I'm wearing my C-through robe. So when they saw, uh, you know that I was packing a troll nose. Yeah. My grumpy and my dumpy were all new. And then if they saw Todd's troll nose hanging there, I've never heard the term "troll nose" before. You must be hanging out at a different bowling alley than we do, sir. I'll ask that we all stop saying troll nose, please. During this or forever? During this. Uh now, what was happening in the other area of the ship? Oh, they showed a single atom of something called infininitem, which can power the earth for thousands of years. Yeah, yeah, cut to where I am. Todd's junk has whipped the Grays into a frenzy. They got him stood up like, well, Todd, you might so they're they're taking turns checking under the hood.
[4:44]They're like mechanics, right? They're reaching up. They're counting. They're battening around. They're they're, you know, they're sniffing it. One guy, one guy, he tried to wear it like a hat. You know, he had it draped over his nose like a Viking helmet. And then one of those little chicks grabbed onto this thing. She tried to hoist herself up. I said, "Careful, buddy. Last time I pulled on one that hard, cop changed his mind and did write me a ticket."
[5:38]And just in case you're wondering, uh, I did not become aroused. Anytime I felt like I might, I just looked at Colleen here and that's already took care of it for me, you know. That tracks. I've seen more chubbies than diabetes. Okay, and how were you all sent home? Oh, I went back to the smart aliens and then, uh, they touched our heads to theirs and we were back on Earth. Yeah, and they and they gave me this. They wanted us to have it to make our world better. I also got a farewell souvenir, courtesy of one of my gray pals, who bitch-slapped me out of an open hatch. And then I fall 30 feet and I land face down with my ween hole and my bean hole pointed right at Kim's face. Kim, who? Jung-un. Bastards dropped me in North Korea, but hey, not the worst place I've been on all fours. And on that note, Live from New York, it's Saturday night!
