[0:01]Thank you all for coming on such short notice. Once again, I'm Agent Morris with the NSA and this is Special Agent Fitzsimmons. You three are of great interest to the US government as you are the first and only people to have experienced two verified alien abductions. Amazing. This is nice like cuz one minute we're drinking beer in the Cole's parking lot and now we're cosmic curiosities. Indeed. Now, can you tell us how you were brought aboard the spacecraft? Well, first of all, I'd like to thank you for this bitching hat. It fits my head perfect, and I love it. Well, uh, we're glad you like it. Um, and also to answer your question, sir, it was sort of a pathway made of golden light came down from the spaceship, and we were just like gently ushered in and just floated up into it. We got up and you know, we got up in the ship and we saw the aliens, glowing beings made of beautiful light, and they welcomed us back. It was amazing. I see. And you, Miss Rafferty? Yeah. Cookie crumbled a little different for me here. I, uh, I wasn't so much lifted by light as I was caught in a net. The little bastards set a snare for me. Next thing I know, I'm being winched straight up through the world's sappiest pine tree, right? My slacks got snagged on a branch, so they're gone. And I'm hauled on board with my bush and my tush hanging out. I see my old pals, the gray aliens with the big stupid fat eyes. And I'm hit with the realization, first time I've been on a second date since 2009.
[1:58]Now once aboard the ship, what happened? Well, the aliens like touched our foreheads and I saw my whole life, even parts I haven't lived yet, and in a lot of those parts, I was wearing this hat. Yeah, yeah, it was, it was as if through their touch, I like understood the answer to that all-important question, why are we here? What? These guys are tripping out at Burning Man, meanwhile, I'm stranded at the Fire Festival. I hadn't been on board more than two minutes before the little grays start tapping on my knockers. Keep in mind, I got no pants on, my taco and my choco are out on my knob. And one guy, this one guy peeks around the back. He starts pointing at my butt like, "Whoa, how'd we miss this?" Interesting. And how would you describe their demeanor? Shoppers storming a Walmart on Black Friday. They were all, dropping and scrambling and mashing up my cheek meat like it's pizza dough, right? Some would knead for a bit, you know, and wait for another turn. I mean, if you're coming back for seconds, that means dinner's a hit, right? I wonder if this was some sort of anatomical study? Nah, I don't think any of these guys are working on their master's thesis. Here's, here's what I think was happening. You might help me out. Ted, stand up.
[3:30]Yeah, yeah, turn around. Thanks. So these guys don't have butts, regular butts. Um, I don't think they've ever seen a crack before. So my theory is, right, they thought I had like broken into two pieces and they were trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Gosh, they were trying everything. I mean, they were pushing, they were slamming. They'd take one cheek, kind of jiggle it, prime it, and then they were making a sound the whole time like... One guy was trying to like punch it back together, like he was breaking in a catcher's mitt. Another one of these idiots was just like... looking through the source of the tear. And I was like, hey, last guy who did that, got double barrel pink eye.
[4:28]Thanks, Chad. You can sit down.
[4:33]Now, uh, how were you all returned to Earth?
[4:51]We were led down a passageway of light, cradled by what felt like a big, fuzzy mitten. And it almost felt like I was, uh, like God himself, you know, was playing with my hair. It was one of the happiest moments of my life.
[5:10]Right up there with getting this hat. Chad, he's up on the hat. Right? Um, but when the aliens left, I remember feeling like happy and safe, cuz I knew they'd always be there just watching over me. All right, that really puts a bee in my beaver, cuz I get pushed out the hatch to find they've let me out on top of the ship, so I got to scoot myself down cold metal to a jump spot. I free fall 20 feet down, I land ass up on a pool raft with my pink pocket and my stink rocket on full display in the middle of Danny Randall's pool party. I'm sorry, who is Danny Randall? Beats the hell out of me, but he's never going to forget his 12th birthday. All right, well, if you would come with us, we'd like to run some medical tests. Okay. Just so you guys know, some of the bruises on my keister were there before the aliens got you.
