[0:29]Since the day she was born, Elena Ivanovna Poberezkina marched through life without ever stopping or slowing down. Everything about such pace of life was glorious, everything but the destination. Where was she headed to with such zeal? Elena Ivanovna had no idea. Her life was akin to an express rail service and because of it's high speed, her life's train skipped some important stops. Running fast along the career tracks, she missed the "frends", "family" and "love" stops and even a way station modestly named "sex".
[1:09]What is this? I asked for Americano with hot milk. Is this what you call hot milk? If it's so difficult for you to make me an Americano with hot milk, just say you can't. No, don't! Leave it. No, don't take it back now. No, don't! What are you standing around for? Go now. Don't give me that look. You couldn't say Elena Ivanovna was particularly fussy or impatient, but today she had a valid reason to be on edge: the night before, her best friend questioned Elena Ivanovna's ability to evoke basic romantic desire in men. In short, she publicly called Elena Ivanovna unfuckable.
[1:51]This terrifying word stuck with Elena Ivanovna with all it's dread. To refute the charges and provide evidence, meaning, to hook up with someone, Elena Ivanovna was given 24 hours and now she only had 18 hrs and 9 mins left.
[2:22]With no particular strategic plan, Elena Ivanovna, nonetheless, decided to spare the children and the elderly. In other words, men over 55 were of no interest to her. Elena Ivanovna's age restrictions were stringent.
[2:52]Tinder - possibly the most hypocritical app in the world. Respectable people would rather confess to watching dead animal porn than to ever having an account with this matchmaking empire. Yet now it could come in handy. Elena Ivanovna took the bio section as seriously as filling in a US visa application form. Well, it's still a public document. She wrote the truth and nothing but the truth, might have lied about her age a bit.
[3:23]Elena Ivanovna cast her net wide and, out of habit, started to think of alternative methods to achieve her goals. As it often happens to brilliant commanders, the solution came from terrain analysis: large clustering of the enemy's troops was expected at Saint Isaac's Cathedral. This is where Elena Ivanovna struck her dagger first.
[4:18]The target was identified almost immediately. The young man's looks met all the necessary high standards. Elena Ivanovna evaluated the situation and decided to begin the pursuit. However, she was let down by her uniform, inappropriate for the rugged terrain.
[5:00]Elena Ivanovna remained realistic and decided to retreat. To hell with you. She regrouped, stationing an ambush near the exit.
[5:15]One of Elena Ivanovna's most precious qualities was patience. However, an hour later she started to suspect that something went wrong. In fact, someone went the wrong way. Excuse me, where is the exit? The exit's on the other side.
[5:41]With the zero hour approaching, events began to develop rapidly. The trendiest cafe in town. Not a single male.
[5:55]The trendiest museum in town. Many males, mostly ancient, some - discharged from the regular forces for medical reasons.
[6:13]The trendiest street. Not a soul. "There is a solution to every situation" thought Elena Ivanovna to herself and remembered about Tinder. Only one fish swallowed Elena Ivanovna's bait so far, which isn't surprising given the honesty of her bio section. The fish was golden though. A Swede. "Well a quick hook up with him wouldn't be an issue" thought Elena Ivanovna. - I would like to take you to the Russian Museum. I think that Hermitage is a bit too cliché.
[6:47]In response to the museum invite, Elena Ivanovna invited him to bed and was faced with unexpected resistance. Turned out, the Swede wasn't 'that kind of guy' and was looking for a wife, a cultured lady from St. Petersburg. Elena Ivanovna was NOT OK with a Pyrrhic victory and resorted to a stratagem. - I think... it would be nice to see if we are sexually compatible first. The Swede stayed firm: it's important to get to know each other spiritually first, because there shouldn't be any issues with the sex. As proof, he provided numerous health certificates and a letter of recommendation from his ex. It was the first time that Elena Ivanovna met a man more organised than herself and she decided to change her Tinder bio asap.
[8:00]After so many misfortunes and with a pressing deadline many would give up, but not Elena Ivanovna. She began saturation bombing and made acquaintances with 5 men in 2 hours - more than over the past year. The result could've laid foundation for a significant sociological study. The first one turned out to be a yogi undertaking celibacy. Elena Ivanovna had to Google what the second one suggested to her and then recover after what she saw. The third one slurped too loudly and for Elena Ivanovna the devil was in the details. With the fourth one, perfect at a glance, Elena Ivanovna herself didn't pass the age requirements. She was told she looked nowhere near 25. The fifth...
[8:54]Simply got tired.
[9:05]In 100 years of it's existence, Astoria has seen it all - winners and losers, but it's been a while since someone so profoundly miserable entered it's doors. The battle on the Neva was lost, practically in a shutout. She was ready to accept the defeat and even formulated a "there are no failures, only lessons" thesis. Yet, 34 minutes before the end of the challenge, a glimmer of hope emerged in front of her.
[9:43]The Guard dies and does not surrender! - thought Elena Ivanovna to herself and took the offensive. - Hello, is this seat free? I have an important task for you, could you come up to the room with me? Lie in bed and take a selfie. Nothing erotic, I just need a photo, a selfie in bed with a man. My friend says I am unfuckable. I am absolutely sure I am fuckable. I had 24 hours to find a man to spend the night with and to send her a selfie as proof. But I didn't manage to find a man. You... I need a selfie in bed with a man, basically, I need your help. I will pay, of course. 20 thousand RUB. I can pay to your sole trader account if you want, 6% on top. No one will ever see these photos. No social media, I'm not even on social media. Your family, if you have one, will never see these photos, I will destroy everything and so will my friend. I just need your help. Yes, yes, no, no. Please show some compassion.
[10:50]- Let's undress. - Uh-huh.
[11:01]- No, no, only the top.
[11:43]- Sorry.
[11:56]- Wanna take your bra off?
[12:02]- Take your glasses off, please.
[12:11]- Could you hug me, please?
[12:16]- Sorry. - Something's not right. Please, smile like you mean it, OK?
[12:30]- Let's crease this a bit.
[13:23]- How terrible.
[13:29]- Jesus. - What a disgrace.
[13:37]- I am so sorry... - Sorry. - I am so sorry, honestly... - Oh what a disgrace. - No, no. Please forgive me. - I don't need those photos, please.
[13:53]- I wasn't sure what I needed to do. I honestly wanted to help. - Sorry. - I might not be the best person to do that... - No, it's not you, I'm sorry. - I'm really sorry, I think it was going well. - What? I would believe it if I saw the photo. If someone showed me the photo... of the two people.
[14:22]- I'm so sorry, I'm so ashamed, believe me. - Stop apologising, you asked for help, I wanted to help. - Thank you very much, but let's leave it, no more photos. - Why leave it? It was going well. - What do you want from me... - Well, I want to have photos like that. - Why? - Let's do it. Elena Ivanovna, it seems that only then looked in the stranger's eyes for the first time and immediately got lost in them.
[14:58]Tenderness - the most powerful weapon in a human's armoury. Not a single commander has defence forces against it. Does one even need to shield from it? Sometimes it's good to just let your guard down and give into yours and the other's feelings. Even if you are approaching defeat, the memories of it will become the best moments of your life. At last, Elena Ivanovna decided not to decide and to just let the universe, which brought her together with this yet stranger, do it's thing.
