[0:00]Hello, I'm Dr. Sarah, a clinical psychologist, and a lecturer at the University of Essex. I specialize in the psychological impact of visible differences, and I've worked with hundreds of people to help them to cope better. I'm also a trustee for Changing Faces, a charity that supports people who have a visible difference. And I have a visible difference too, because I have a birth mark on the side of my face and neck. But for the purposes of this video, I'm talking to you today as a clinical psychologist, and I'm sharing with you some tips and advice for how to support your child, if they have a visible difference, to cope with questions and comments. So one of the things that I found very helpful both personally and in my clinical practice is to try to understand what's behind a question or a comment. Because if we can figure that out, then we can respond to the underlying meaning rather than the actual words. And there are broadly two different types of questions or comments that children tend to receive about their visible difference. There are ones that are made out of curiosity or interest, and there are ones that are made out of unkindness or to deliberately cause upset. So let's start by thinking about those questions or comments that are made out of genuine curiosity or interest. And these might sound like, what's that on your face? Or what happened to you? Or why do you look like that? And these can be very jarring to hear, especially as a parent, and can be very upsetting for the child who is receiving these questions. But if we can try to understand that the person asking these questions might not intend to cause upset, but might just be genuinely interested and perhaps a little bit ignorant in how to ask questions politely. Then we can give our child a toolbox of responses to these kind of questions. So the first thing that you can help your child to do is to come up with a really simple explanation about their visible difference. And this will often take the form of what happened. So for example, for me, I might say, I was born with a birthmark, and it's always been there. Or it's a scar from an operation I had when I was younger. Or it's the way I was made, and it doesn't hurt. You can help your child to practice these explanations in front of a mirror or in role play with you so that they can deliver them with confidence. And if they can do that, then that will give them a lot of confidence in these kinds of social situations. The second thing you can help your child to do is to role model to them how to ask questions politely. So if someone asks them, what's that on your face, your child can respond by saying, it's a birthmark, and it's always been there. But how are you? Or what's your name? Or what do you like to play? Because that can help to teach the other person that it's okay to be curious, but it's important to be polite. And the third thing you can help your child to do is to understand that they don't have to answer questions from people if they don't want to. They can choose to walk away, or they can choose to ignore the questions if they don't feel like answering them. And it's really important that children know that they have a choice and that they have control in these situations. Now, let's think about those questions or comments that are made out of unkindness or to deliberately cause upset. And these might sound like, you look weird, or you look ugly, or you're scary. And it's really important as a parent to validate your child's emotions, if they come home upset from school, or if they've heard something that's upsetting. You can say to them, I understand why you're upset. That sounds really horrible. Or I can see that you're sad. That's a normal way to feel. And sometimes those difficult emotions can be really challenging to experience, but they do pass, and they are normal. And the second thing you can help your child to do is to understand that when people make these kinds of comments, it often comes from a place of their own insecurities, or their own worries, or their own fears. And it doesn't reflect on your child at all. And it's really important for children to understand that they are wonderful and amazing, regardless of anything that anyone else says to them. And the third thing you can help your child to do is to respond to these comments with assertiveness and confidence. So for example, if someone says, you look weird, your child can respond by saying, it's not okay to say that to me. Or I don't like it when you say that. Or even asking them, why are you being so mean? Again, you can role play these with your child so that they can practice delivering these responses with confidence and assertiveness. But it is also important to remember that not every child will be able to respond in the moment, and that's okay. If your child is a bit like me, then they might think of the perfect response five hours later, or five days later, or five months later, and that's absolutely fine. And you can talk about it with your child and practice different scenarios and different responses so that they feel more confident in the future. And it's also important to remember that as parents, you are the expert of your child. So you'll know what responses will work best for your child, and how to deliver them so that your child can learn and grow from these experiences. And I hope that this has given you a really useful toolbox of information for how to support your child to respond to questions and comments about their visible difference.