Oh, the Meetings You'll Go To!

[0:00]Hi, this is Dr. Sanders Via. I wanted to give our graduating seniors a little something special that they could take with them. I hope it makes you smile the way it made me smile. The name of the book is, Oh, the Meetings You'll Go To, a parody by Dr. Suits.

[0:19]Congratulations, school's out, you're all done. Now onto your dream job, get out there, have fun! With your brand new degree and eager ambition, you're destined for greatness and paid off tuition. You're all on your own now, five roommates aside, and what you do next, only you can decide.

[0:46]With a latte in hand, you'll scan job sites for leads, looking out for a job that will meet all your needs. Go apply for them all but hold out for big bucks, you've got loans to pay off and barista pay sucks. You'll get some rejections, don't let them sink in. Go apply to ten more, go update your LinkedIn.

[1:09]Don't feel so hard up, or you'll join a doomed startup.

[1:18]But startups are trendy and loaded with perks. They're casual and carefree and love all your quirks. When your offer arrives, you'll be tickled to land in a low paying job in an office open plan.

[1:34]Oh, the meetings you'll go to!

[1:41]You'll meet the world's brightest, you'll hang out with the best, and now that you've met them, you'll work with the rest.

[1:52]You'll shimmer and shine as your confidence blooms. You will rise through the ranks, you will rule conference rooms. Whatever the task, you'll be faster than fast. Your bosses will praise and promote you at last.

[2:09]Except they won't yet. First, they want you to sweat. Despite your clear brilliance, you won't be at the top and bleary and weary, you'll work till you drop. You'll feel overworked, can you die young from stress? Try not to melt down, you're such a hot mess.

[2:29]You'll soak at your desk and feed feelings with take out, play Adele on repeat, your poor face will break out. After late nights at work, you will pass out half dead, then find that it's hard to get out of your bed. Some meetings are loud and some induce groaning. Sometimes you'll get tired of all the Powerpoint droning. If you want to contribute, you'll have to speak up. Can you get a word in? Will they tell you to shut up?

[3:00]You try and your boss glares, you know that you've messed up. I shouldn't have tried. I'm so stupid. I'm dumb, you'll panic. But then you will see through the scrum that your boss is now listening, she's paying attention, what else should I say? What else should I mention? Would mentioning mobile help break up the tension? As you try to sound smart, your mind races ahead. You recall with relief that smart tweet you just read. This sounds like that thing that guy said at that Ted. But you waited too long and the meeting is dead. No one's listening.

[3:36]Because they're just waiting. Waiting for the next day off, for their pay to be raised, their debts all paid off, for the next compromise and the next painful trade off, for the headhunter's call or the news that they're laid off, or waiting around for a budget to spend or waiting around for this meeting to end. Waiting. Just waiting. Waiting for Facebook to show something fun, waiting for colleagues to get their work done, waiting for growth so the firm's number one, for new standing desks to make their feet numb, for surfing to end so their Uber's can come. Waiting. Just waiting. No, don't let that be you. Somehow you'll survive all the doom and nay saying. You'll find the bright place where T swifts always playing.

[4:26]With tricks and with time, you'll turn into a winner. You'll advance, be a pro, not some wide eyed beginner. And soon you'll be treating your parents to dinner. Oh, the meetings you'll go to! There's so much to fix, status updates at dawn, status check-ins at six, agendas to shorten, agendas to lengthen, budgets to cut and projections to strengthen. You'll suck up to suckers, with nerds you'll be nerdy. If your long game is good, you'll make partner by thirty. But despite all your sweat, you're still not there yet. I'm afraid that you'll find that the boomers resent you. They'll fear all your changes, they'll stack cards against you. Then it all falls apart. Your work friends depart, your pet projects fail. You'll be back at the start. And back at the start, you'll feel lonely and small. With no one to text and no one to call. You'll gripe and you'll moan, want to change your career. You'll think you were foolish to want to be here.

[5:34]But you'll have to press on. Got to pay back investors. You'll have to press on, please the board of directors. You'll have to press on, satisfy the inspectors. Press on through the weekends, press on through the nights, though your co-workers leave you and turn out the lights. On and on you will press. You'll achieve inbox zero. You'll talk on the phone. You'll feel like a hero.

[6:02]You'll burn out, of course, you'll be pushing uphill. Sometimes you'll just want to Netflix and chill. So sign up for Tender, chase after that thrill. But chase it too far, it will all go downhill. The trick is to balance the work with the play. Have fun, but invest in your 401K. And will you survive? Yes, you'll probably thrive. It may take some time, but one day you'll arrive. Kid, you'll build empires.

[6:40]So, no matter your major or grades in the end, or whether or not you make more than your friends. You're off to great meetings, so try to stay zen. Enjoy all the free coffee and just have those copies by ten. The end. Graduates, I wish you the very best. I hope and pray that even though this has been a very difficult season for you, that you overcome this in tremendous ways and do wonderful and amazing things with your lives. Congratulations on your graduation.