[0:01]Uh, hey, Creed. Huh? Could I talk to you for a sec?
[0:10]You are great and very ambitious. And I feel like you want more than this little office has to offer, and I understand that you'd want to just spread your wings and fly the coop. What are you telling me? I we're going to have to, you you want something better. No, I don't. I want to stay right here. You, you want to leave. No, I I want to stay here. Why are you making this so hard? Um, I think there's a misunderstanding here. I think you're right. Can I go? No, of course you can't go. We haven't even started this horrible process. Okay, Creed, I need to let somebody go today. They told me I need to let somebody go, and as much as I think you're a great guy, and I like you, you're you're goodbye. Let's fight it. Let's call Jan and fight this thing together like the old days. What old days? What are you talking about? Did you start the paperwork yet? It's right here on the desk. Yeah. You don't have to do this, Michael. I can't I can't. Undo it. I can't change anything. No, you have the power to undo it. You can undo it. Michael, don't undo it. Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg. Had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask? I have to fire someone today, okay? Fine. Fire someone else. Fire Devon. He's terrible. I am so much better at my job than Devon. Okay, well, I already picked you, and you know that. So, unless I just go through with this, you're always going to look at me as the guy who almost fired you. No, no, no, no, no. I will forget so fast. You will be my savior. You're the guy who gave me my life back. Thank you. I knew you'd see my way, Michael. God bless you. You're a fine man. Don't. Listen, you will not regret this either. Devon is terrible. No one's gonna miss him. Good, good, good.
[2:28]Devon, could I talk to you for a second? Creed's an idiot. You know that. Well, No, no, no, no, no, no. You had it right the first time. Exactly. You gotta go with your gut, man.
[2:44]No, I can't no, I can't go back. I would look like an idiot. That's why I'm being fired. So you might not look like an idiot? No, it was all the stuff that I said. It was the business downturn and cutbacks and and and God, this is unbelievable. I just hope that you and I can remain friends.
[3:03]Devon, wait. Please. Look. Look. In addition to severance and everything, I want to give you this gift certificate to Chili's for me.
[3:21]Okay? No hard feelings.
[3:27]Kevin, Jim, Pam, Kelly, Toby, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Stanley, or the temp. If any of you want to meet me for a drink, I'm going to be at Poor Richard's. And the rest of you can go to hell. Here we go. Here we go. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
[3:59]Probably because of all the those
[4:04]I told you these guys had a sense of humor. Very funny, Michael. Really funny, Michael. Okay. Okay. All right. All right. All right. All right. I'm on a roll. Why are the new people on the table? To show them that we are not above them. Shouldn't we be equals? Not today. No. Tony, please join your cohorts on the table, if you would. Uh, this is difficult for me. Hey, I understand. We're all friends. No, I mean, I can't physically, I can't get on the table. Oh, well, just use the momentum of your lower half to hoist yourself up.
[4:53]You know what? I'll help. I will help. No, please. Don't be shy. Dwight, let's do this. Come on. We're doing this thing. Let's get up on three. One, two. Bend the knees. Okay, here we go. Here we go. I'm under this I'm under this hawk here. I don't know what I'm grabbing here. All right. All right. Come on. Put me down right now. Push it over. I'm right in your crack. Put me down. Put me down. Over and over. You got it. You got it, man. Put me down right now. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. Okay. Easy. Easy. I'm sorry. It's just not going to work for me. What? I have to go. I don't understand. I was on the fence about this and it's just not a good fit. Well, we'll squeeze you in. I can't work here. I have to quit.
[5:43]You can't quit on the first day. That's heresy, my friend. Okay, let's talk about this. What happened? I mean, what Was it Toby? Did he say something? No, Toby was helpful. He was very kind.
[6:03]It's just your management style. My management style? So Did you think Lazy Scranton was funny? No. Was it supposed to be funny? Okay, well, Don't bother quitting because you're fired. Excuse me? You are fired. I'm sorry, but we don't have quitters on this team. Just clean out your desk. But there's nothing in my desk except coupons. Don't try to apologize to me, man. It's too late. Just get out.
[6:37]Take your bad vibes with you. That was my advice. Remember, I'm the one who suggested that you fire him. Probably the best advice you ever gave me, Dwight. And what advice has Andy given to you today that you have acted on? Would none be an accurate estimate? None advice? Fire Andy. Fire Andy. Dwight may have won the battle, but I will win the next battle. Tony was right, this environment is dysfunctional. Well, maybe that's because some people treat it like their own private Hooter's strip club. Whoa, Angela, hold on. Hooter's is a restaurant with over 400 locations worldwide. What do you think we could be doing better? I've never been a big fan of the name Dunder Mifflin. I was thinking we could name the company something like paper great. We're great paper's our passion. We're great. I don't know, it could be good. Okay. Okay. Thanks for coming in, Michael. Thank you. It is always a treat when our pants cross. It is always a treat when our paths cross. So, oh, before I forget, I wanted to let you know, if you hadn't already heard, Jan and I are back together. So, I may need to fill out one of those love documents again. You're back together. Yes, and I am very excited about the prospect of working under her. On top of her. That's not sexual, just we're all professional. Okay. Well, uh, I thought it was clear in the description of the position. The job you're applying for is Jan's job. I don't understand, so we're going to tag team it? No, we're letting Jan go.
[8:24]Hey, you. Hey. How was your interview? Pretty good. Yeah? Could have gone better, I guess. Oh, I will put in a good word for you. Cool. Maybe you should do it sooner rather than later. What? To just run away together. Let's just run away to Jamaica, live in a bungalow. You have some savings, right? You can pay off my debts. It would be fine. We'd have fun. What's what's the matter? What what happened in there? I can't tell you.
[8:56]Tell me what?
[9:03]You son of a bitch. Jan, this isn't the time I'm in the interview. You fired me? Where the hell do you get off? Frankly, it's overdue. Your behavior in the last two years has been completely erratic. Erratic? Recently, you don't even show an interest in your work. You smoke constantly in your office. You spend most of the day online shopping. You disappear for hours at a time, sometimes days, always saying you're visiting your sister in Scottsdale. You go to Scranton far more often than you used to. Is it because of these? Whoa, hey, whoa, Jan. I wanna know. I wanna know. Because if it is, then then then I will see you in court. It's not. No, it's not. Because he likes them, okay? He likes them. And and that is that is all I care about. Time has come for you to end your professional relationship with this company. You are clearly unstable. Hey, you're unstable. No. We're all unstable, so. Okay, you know what? I'm just not leaving. I'm not leaving. Not leaving. David, I did not tell her.
[10:04]If the Ken. Look. Look, look, look, look. If the temp. Look. Oh my gosh. It's the temp. Wow. Is that the police? Yes. Well, this is what happened. Uh, Ryan's big project was the website, which wasn't doing so well. So, Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice, once as office sales, and once as website sales, which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard. Oh my God. Ryan. Oh my God. I cannot wait to visit Ryan in prison. I'm gonna wear my hottest tracksuit, and get my hair done, and then be like, Hi, Ryan. And then all the other prisoners are gonna be like, Dang, Ryan, you got a hot ex-girlfriend.
[10:58]Ooh, I would never treated her so bad when I was outside of prison. It's Dwight's mail. Hey, Ryan, it's Jim. You know what? Totally disregard that last voice mail because you obviously have your hands tied. Good luck.
[11:14]What are you doing? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. And this is damn Dunder Mifflin. Oh. Oh.
[11:26]Anything else you need to talk about? No. That was it.
[11:38]Once again, it's showtime.
[11:43]What baffles me is how you could take a perfectly good idea, which the great Jo Bennett rightfully signed off on, and then utterly botch it in execution. If I may speak to that. I have only been vice president of this project the last half an hour. So the man you want is Dwight Schrute. I don't see Dwight. He clearly had the infinite wisdom to stay as far away from this clown show as possible. Whatever you do, do not blame Todd Packer. It is not his fault. Blame his upbringing, his parents, the society that would mold this idiotic creature. Fire the employee, yes, but not the man. You may not cancel his soul. That was never on the table. Are you kidding? She's the queen of the whole frigging magilla. And yet Todd, it's you who's fired. What? I can't get fired. I'm an institution. I have been at this company for 20 years. How many of you have been here that long, huh?
[13:03]And Andy is the manager. Not Nelly. Stop protecting me. I'm a man. I can protect myself. This is misdirected anger, and I'm sorry. I don't mean to lash out at you. There's a lot coming up right now, all at once. Dad, go to hell. I'm taller than you. Okay, just calm down. You are not the manager. I earned that job. I was personally chosen after Robert was chosen and quit. Andy, I wanted you to take a seat. I take a seat, idiot. Why you take your stupid memos and your stupid pens and your dumb carpools and your stupid face. And your stupid office.
[13:47]He does not like that wall.
[13:52]Maybe we'll get sent to anger management together.
[13:57]That would actually be cool. I'd love for you to meet some of the guys. Andy, Aaron, you can join us now.
[14:09]Andy, we're going to go with Nelly as manager and put you back on the sales team. I promise you, in time, we'll all laugh about this incident. I already think it's kinda funny.
[14:29]No. Excuse me? I'm saying no. Well, you can't say no. No. Look, Andrew, we can discuss the specifics of the job. No. It's the apology. I really have to insist. No. Stop saying no. No. Andrew, if you say no one more time, you're fired. So, is there anything else you want to say? No. You're out. You're out. You're out. I can't describe it. I just for the first time in a long time, I actually feel in control. I feel alive. You're out. I got it. But you hurt your hand. I got it. Right now? Yes.
[15:23]David Wallace, in his native habitat. Hey, Andy, come in your office and talk. Yeah. This isn't going to be an easy conversation. I told Andy that he was on very thin ice when he snuck away for three months to the Caribbean. Then last week, he used company money to buy a top of the line photo printer, in his words, the kind that's good for headshots. And yesterday, he asked me to pay for cheek implants, claims it's going to boost office morale. Now, he's a good guy, but honestly, at a certain point, the ice gets too thin and you fall through. And that is when you get fired.
[16:04]Andy, I'm gonna stop you right there.
[16:08]David, this documentary is going to air in two weeks. I feel like it's a once in a lifetime opportunity to pursue my dream. Uh-huh. But but every minute that I spend here is time not spent making audition videos for reality dating, cooking, or singing shows. I got a real shot here. And I'll never be able to forgive myself if I blew it because I was too focused on my stupid paper company job. No offense. So you think you've been too focused on your job? At my last headshot sitting, I was so distracted wondering what I was missing at work that it came across totally manic, and I was going for zany.
[16:48]So you you want to quit Dunder Mifflin to pursue acting? Well, no, actually. I see no reason to limit myself to just acting. I am pursuing fame of any kind. Could be singing, could be dancing. I don't it's just I owe it to myself and my future fans. Well, I guess I can't stand in the way of a man's dream. And it seems like you have the gift.
[17:19]Thank you, David. There's probably no way I can talk you into staying at this point, huh? Nope, I've made up my mind. I'm really sorry. Well, good luck. Hey, thank you. Not going to need it. Okay.
[17:37]Whoa. Well, that kind of worked out.
[17:45]In the past year, I have consolidated the entire Scranton paper market. We regained the white pages, the school district, Lackawanna County, we supplied them all. Getting married tomorrow afternoon, and in the morning there's a mini reunion, a kind of, uh, where are they now panel at a local theater. It would be nice to see everyone again. I haven't seen Kevin since we let him go. Today marks several important milestones. Stanley, as you know, is retiring.
[18:16]Sweet. No. And our next and most thickly frosted cake is for Kevin. Yes. Wait, why? Go ahead and just read the frosting. Get out. What does that mean? It's a colloquial way of saying you're fired, Kevin, which you are. What? Dwight, you can't do that. The cake is spoken, Pam. Sorry. Well, if anyone here can make a case for Kevin staying, Because he told me not to. on his merit.
[18:53]Well, Toby will stop it. Anytime anyone's ever been fired, Toby's blocked it. So, Hey, wait, wait, hold that thought. Here's your cake. Bye-bye, Toby. At least I got chocolate.
[19:16]I finally feel ready. Athleap is growing. Athleap. And Jim can jump back in without skipping a beat. We'll come back to visit, but I think it's time for us to officially No, don't say it. You're fired. You're both fired. Dwight, come on, don't end on a bad note. Don't be an idiot, it's for the severance. The best that I can do is one month for every year you've been here. That's the max. Thanks, Dwight. And if you're ever in Austin, Oh, right, for what? The art, the music, the incredible nightlife. No, thank you. But if you're ever in the area, you'll always have a place to stay. In my barn.
