How to Remove Negative Energy | Jessica Michelle Singleton | Stand Up Comedy

[0:00]I'm so horny. Not now, kinda now, all the time, my God. When is the peak for women? Does anyone know? Not here, you're all twenty, that's fine. It is I had two vibrators die this week. Not the batteries, by the way, the whole vibrators. Yeah, one started smoking, it went up in flames. It was like, you're on your own bitch, get a hobby. Thank God I'm a squirter. We could have all died. Can you imagine some news reporter, I'm standing in Eastern Los Angeles. With a vibrator fire rages on. I'm just walking around in the background. Ten foot dildo in a thousand yards stare. It's not supposed to be like this. Just going up to the cameraman. I just wanted to feel something. But ma'am, please step back from the equipment. Somebody come touch on me. Come give me some sugar. I don't know what to do. I've had girlfriends last couple years try to warn me. They're like, you wait, bitch. Wait until you get into your thirties, you're going to get so much hornier. At which point, by the way, a woman in her forties always seems to just pop up and she's like, when do you get to your forties? Who the fuck are you? How'd you get in my house? Why are you bleeding? She's just covered in cum and shards of glass, because she's hurled herself through a window like, I need a dick! I'm only tapping in veins. I gotta take 'em intravenously now. I blew my pussy out in a gangbang two years ago. Oh my God. I'm so sorry. Don't be. It was the greatest night of my life. I can't get hornier, somebody's gonna die. Probably me. That's who's gonna die. I've been rubbing my clit on furniture since I was five years old. I didn't know it was my clit, I wasn't like overly perverted, I was like, get over here, chaise lounge, I'm gonna show you who your daddy is, you know? I don't know, I didn't know, do you remember, do you remember when you didn't know? Do you remember not knowing about your clit? It's hard to remember. Because once you find it, right? Nothing else matters. You know, you forget all that. It's womanhood and BC, before clit. You don't need that information. I forgot, there was a time I was riding my little bicycle down the street with my girlfriends and I went over some gravel and I was like, actually feels better when I go over the gravel like this. I wanna go back over the gravel a few more times. I don't know why I turned into Doc Brown. Eighty-eight miles per hour. I'm gonna go back in time and just go back over the gravel one more time. Marty, just After that I spent every Saturday morning just hunched over the back corner of my sofa, watching Nickelodeon like, Why does Doug have all the same outfits in his closet?

[3:14]Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo Just for the nineties kids. There's three of us in here. Move it, football head, you know? Yeah, what's up? Whoa, hey Arnold, that's what I call my clit now. I don't know if you guys remember that cartoon. I tattooed his little hat right over top of it. I got a couple rogue pubes. They stick out like his hair. Looks just like him. So men can find it, right? And they can't. Uh, does it exist? Where is it? They never can. Look, that's a hacky premise. I know that. Little inside comedy. When I say that's a hacky premise, jokes have been made. Female comedians have talked about how men can't find the clit. We know that. I still like to do it because from up here, I can count all the men, three, four, five. I have never found the clit, cuz right now, they are sitting or standing like this. Oh, this is what we're doing? Oh, we're doing the old clit bit. Oh, the old men can't find the clit bit. Well, I mean, That's what I call my Fitbit now. I don't even go for walks. I wake up every morning and I'm like, 10,000 steps! Let's go! It's fucked up, cuz I'm getting hornier and my body's falling apart. That's not okay. Not even at a regular rate. I have a disease, you can't say that in the times of COVID. I have a disease. It's not COVID, it's not the second thing you thought of, which was herpes, for sure, is what you thought. I'm a woman talking about sex. You're like, she's too fun, it's gotta be herpes, you know? No, I don't have herpes. The HPV killed it. Look at God. I have a disease called rheumatoid arthritis. No one gives a fuck about it. Somebody does. Oh, you, sir, the older man. Oh, arthritis. That's what, right? Everybody, they hear that, people hear that, don't they? Oh yeah, my grandma's back hurts when it rains. Walk it off, bitch. But it's degenerative. It's an autoimmune disease. Uh, what MS does to nerve endings, the disease I have does to joints. So I'm basically whittling down into a human Joshua tree, which is very fun living in Los Angeles. Especially out here on the West side where multiple people have been like, have you tried just carrying a little piece of amethyst in your bra? Oh, too close to home, Venice Beach. Have you tried just putting a little piece of rose quartz on a chain and letting it sit in your heart chakra? And then your chakras will align and all your negative energy will cleanse out of your third eye. You're very negative. Has anyone ever told you you have a lot of negative energy? Do I? Does the woman who's dying have a lot of negative energy? Oh, we'll just put some opal in my pocket and a little tanzanite on my crown chakra, everything will be fine. You want me to carry around a bunch of rocks when I'm turning into a fucking rock? That's your solution? Don't get me wrong, I'll try anything. I have like eight pieces of Jade just jammed in my pussy right now. If anybody wants to buy any tumble gemstones after the show. I'll be in the back alley. Do you want this? What do you want? This is their custom. You want a princess cut? Here we go. All right, there we go. That might have just been my hip, all right. It's fucked up, cuz I'm trying to own my sexuality, you know what I mean? I'm not afraid of it. I've always been sexually liberal, which is a PC way of saying I have been a slut for a long time. But now sometimes I'll be on top of a guy and my hips and my knees just lock up. And I have to be like, throw, hit the button. And the band underneath, he's like, the button, you mean your clit? And I's like, no, my life alert. Like doggy style used to be a challenge just in the regular way, arm strength. You guys know what I'm talking about. Every, every woman, man in here, you've been fucked from behind. Who, you know, you got a minute and a half, two minutes and that's generous. That's you're going to Pilates every day like, get those traps, girl. Let's do it. This is I'm gonna stay up in doggy style. That's what this move is. Just before you at least start to shake, just stay in it. I start talking to myself in my head like I'm a personal trainer. Just like, don't you fucking quit, you bitch. You're a strong, independent woman, don't you go to half plank, you fucking weak bitch. Because if I go here, it's done. I'm fucking facing the pillow. That's not a sexual thing. I'm trying to end my life. I'm like, get me out of here. And that's a finisher, right? In my experience, in my extensive research, doggy style, kind of a closing move. Things wrap up pretty quickly. So then I get in my head if it's going on too long, I'm like, oh no, my pussy's gone bad. I turn into a cartoon of a woman from the forties. They're gonna send me out to sea. I'm gonna have to run bingo on a cruise ship. Curtains for these curtains, you know? So then I'll do that thing where you try to clench and make your pussy tighter, you know? But I don't have the muscle separation from the front and the back. So then it's just sucks my butt in. My butt becomes this weird black hole. It's like sucking in the universe. That's not gonna get Amanda to come faster. That's fight or flight shit. You know what it's like to be being fucked from behind and have a man go, I'm not gonna make it.

[9:17]That doesn't feel good. I thought it would get better, it didn't. I thought, oh, surely, life will get better. I didn't know those were the glory days, cuz now I got 10-15 seconds before it's just a full Superman face plant. Just eating shit. And I don't know how many of you experience the joy of just flatlining, well a man is thrusting into you from behind. A little heads up, in case you haven't had this experience yet, let me give you a little warning. They're not gonna stop. Or even half a second to make sure you're okay. Nothing better could happen to a man than the person he's having sex with collapsing. Yeah, they're laughing, right? Every single one of you if that happens you're like, I did that with my dick. I think I killed him. I killed him with my big dick. Their dick could be this big. They're like, I'm the greatest man alive. I'm down here like, please stop. He's like, did you see you love my cock. By the way, nobody I'm fucking is an athlete. Surprise, surprise. Haven't nabbed one of the Lakers with all this sparkling personality. Out here in Los Angeles. So no, I've collapsed, the man fucking me has lost me as his spotter. Now his arms are getting weaker, but he's refusing to stop. Now his fat, hairy dad bod is starting to mush into my back fat. It's creating this terrible sweat pool. I'm lodged under a grown man and his breath just descends upon me. This is it. This is how I go. He's just, This is making that weird tanning bed salon fart noise, just. I'm trapped wondering, is that my back? Or is that my pussy?

[11:06]Not a fun place to be as a lady, right? Cause as you queef, the instinct is, well, I have to leave the planet. Call my pussy Doge, boys, we're going to the moon. Okay. I wish that's how my set could end. Good night, Venice Beach. I just pussy rocketed through the ceiling. But it's not strong enough so I just get lodged halfway in. God help me. My legs are dangling. Please, someone get me down. A bunch of crystals start flying out and hitting people in the face. Run for your life. And one woman's like, no, I need these for my Etsy store. Please, God. All right, I've been Justina Singleton. You guys are amazing.