[0:00]Hey guys, welcome back for another week of Pretty Lonesome.
[0:08]I just sat down in my garage, of course, to film this podcast, and as I sat down, I have like my garage door open. And this like cop pulled up in my driveway, and it was this guy coming to like collect a package. And he pointed at my truck and he was like, I love your truck. I was like, thank you. And he was like, he has a bunch of them and he has a 67 F-250, just like mine, but in blue. I asked to see a picture of it. He started showing me pictures. He had like a bunch of cars throughout the years and he was telling me like, yeah, like when I get old, I want to like live on a farm with a bunch of dogs and stuff and have all my trucks. And then he asked if he could like get in the car. I was like, absolutely. He got in my car. He was like, it's beautiful. He looked at my engine for me. He was like, it looks great. I was like, thank you. And then he told me I need to get something fixed on my ceiling, otherwise it's going to start like getting eaten. I don't know what that means. It filled me with joy on this lovely, what, Tuesday morning, because I just love people. I love people. I love interacting with new people and strangers. And like I genuinely think that interacting with random people like that in such an honest and like nice way. Oh my God, that is just what life is about. You know what I mean? Like, oh my God, I just feel so fulfilled after that interaction. Honestly, it got me thinking, I really need to like get out of my house a bit more because I don't have enough of that. Like, I really love, like, I thrive off of having nice interactions with strangers. I just love it. And don't get me wrong, sometimes I'm like very much not in the mood. Like, sometimes I don't want to speak to my Uber driver. Sometimes I don't fuck with it at all, even when they're very friendly, even when they're very talkative. And other times, I really do want them to tell me their life story. I don't know. And anyway, it's not part of this week's podcast. I just thought I would tell you because it just happened to me. And like, now I'm like violently behind schedule because I actually have a meeting in half an hour. But I threw my day through a loop actually because I'm on a tight schedule today and this podcast has a time slot and now the time slot's fucked up. But I spoke to him for like half an hour, and he was just so lovely. And then we told each other, have a great day. Nice to meet you. And if that is just not what life's about, then I don't know what it is about. You know what I mean? So anyway, into the into the grit of today's episode, let me tell you what's going to happen. I posted on my Instagram story like, I don't know, a week ago and I was like, email Pretty Lonesome Production at gmail.com with your things that you want either advice on, which really, really bad wording from me. I'm just going to give you my opinions. It's never going to be advice because like I am not a certified medical professional and you cannot take my advice, okay? Don't do it. But I asked you guys basically just to write in with things that have maybe been on your mind. I've never done that before. I've like put like the question box on Instagram or whatever, but I've never left an email before. When I tell you I was getting an email a second for hours. That's not even an exaggeration. I had to mute my notifications. I was so touched. I didn't expect that. So I have some of those emails here with me today so that we can talk through your guys's problems. I've never done this before. I'm honestly really excited to do it. Query number one. This diva wrote in to say that she needs advice about jealousy. I'm going to read you the email. Don't worry, I'm going to keep it anonymous, Queen. She said that she struggles with jealousy in her romantic relationship and that it is exhausting to her. She can't control it or get over it. She's been with her boyfriend for over a year. She's jealous of the attention that her boyfriend gives to other people. She says to be clear, he gives me so much love and attention, but when he's on a call with his friends playing games, I just feel bad. Or when he seems to be having a better time with like his sister than he does with me. I get bummed out seeing him so happy with other people, and I know how it sounds. I never put this on him and I always encourage him to have relationships outside of ours. I guess I'm just asking for advice with how to either not get bummed when I feel like I'm not making him as happy as others do, or with just not feeling anything bad. We rarely get into arguments. He's made me the happiest I've ever been. It sounds so gross and so bad, but I don't make a big deal of it to him, and I usually just get over it. This one made me really sad because you diminished yourself like five times in that email. I don't know if you knew. There's two things that I hate in this world. One is the demonization of jealousy and the other is the demonization of attention seeking. Because whilst both those things can manifest themselves in a very toxic way and they often do and I understand that's why they get a bad, bad reputation. To me, it's frustrating to see people just demonize things like that because it's like if we would all just use our thinking, if we could all just put our thinking caps on for one fucking second. We would see that these things are just communicating a very basic need. There's nothing wrong about wanting attention, not that that's really related to this email. I'm just saying that's something I also hate is when people say that. But there's also nothing wrong with feeling a little bit of jealousy. Queen, I did some thinking on you, okay? I sat in my little bedroom and I thought about it. And number one, jealousy can be one of two things. It can be about you or it can be about them. Sometimes jealousy is not misplaced. Sometimes someone is breaching your boundaries or anyone's boundaries for that matter. They are disregarding you. They are cutting you out, even when you're physically there. Maybe they're cheating, maybe they're being disloyal, sexually, intimately. Maybe they clearly have a relationship, even with a platonic friend, say you're in a relationship with this person, that exceeds the depth of your relationship to them. And those things, that's like situational, maybe the jealousy is telling you this person is not right, this person is not safe, this person does not have my best interest. And there's times when you should listen to that, right? And then there's times where it's about you, where this person is doing everything right. They are giving you the love and attention that you deserve. They just have friends and they just have relationships with their family, and you still feel jealous of relationships that are whole and healthy and normal in their lives. This girl mentioned specifically a relationship with a sister, that she felt jealous of her boyfriend's relationship with his sister. Like, they have more fun when they're together than I have when I'm with him, which is such a good example. Because nine times out of 10, we fucking hope the sister's not a threat. Now, there's the odd crazy experience, okay, and every bitch has an anecdote, but there's the odd crazy experience where actually they were a threat. I've known a few people that were just way too fucking close with their siblings. That's probably not what's happening here, and we can just hope and pray none of us have to, you know, come across those people again in our lives. But there, you know, anyways, we're going to write that off. We're not, he's not fucking his sister. We know this. So let's come from the assumption that his sister, and I'm just going to stick with the sister thing for a second, is truly no threat to your relationship with him, right? Let's just his sister, and to ask them to be any less close would be wrong, point blank period, right? One thing springs to mind, and I've had this experience oh, so many times, okay? I know you're not going to fuck your sister. I'm not jealous in that sense. And Queen, don't let me put words in your mouth, but it's like more to the point of why don't I get this version of you? Like, why? You have so much fun with this person, and it seems like maybe you have less fun with me. Or a different kind of fun, and it opens up the knowledge in your own brain that, okay, maybe they have fun with me and they have fun with their sister. But because the types of fun are different, you now just have to be aware of the fact that there are sides of your partner that you don't bring out of them. And that can just hurt because you want to feel like you get all of someone. And when you have to realize that you don't, it is painful, and I hate this realization. And I think that it's a very normal thing. I think it's just one of those kind of sucky facts of life that nine times out of 10, when you're in a relationship with someone, be that a friendship or a partnership relationship, you know, you won't be everything for that person. And some people will go through life and this just won't be a problem for them. They won't care. Of course, they're not going to be everything for a person. They don't want to be someone's whole world. They don't need 100% of a person to feel like their spot in their life is as good as it can be. But I am someone who that thought initially when I came across it for the first time, realizing that was a little bit uncomfortable. So I empathize because when I love someone, whether that's a friend or a partner. I feel like they get all of me, even though they don't. I feel like they do. I feel like they get the funniest, the friendliest, the kindest, probably also the fucking meanest and most evil and most goblinesque. They get all of it. Because you're that one person to me, whether that's my best friend in the world, or my boyfriend or girlfriend or partner. But if I really sit and think about it, it's not true. I don't show every side of myself to everyone in my life. Not because I don't want to or because I'm withholding it, just because they don't elicit it from me. I'm way fucking funnier when I'm with my friend T than I am maybe with someone else.
[9:10]And I'm more open and honest because there's less weight on that honesty. It doesn't hurt them. I think coming to terms with the fact that you don't get all the different sides of someone and also they don't get all the different sides of you. Think about how you are with your family or how you are with your childhood friend or how you are with whoever it is in your life that means a lot to you. Are you like that with your partner? And it's not wrong if you're not, by the way. The reason that you have a village and a community and a life that you build outside of your romantic relationship, singular, is so that you can function as a full person. I can't give one person every different side of me. Never say never, but it's unlikely to happen and I shouldn't need it to. I should have a fully working ecosystem of friends who make me feel loved and safe in all types of different ways and all the time. And then my partner should also make me feel loved and safe all of the time in their own way. And they should make me laugh in their own way with their humor and our shared humor, and they should see sides of me that maybe other people don't. And the same goes for my best friend, but all of that will then be slightly different. Do you know what I mean? The reason that you can't have just a partner and no friends is because there is no way to have all of your needs. met, kind of like if you watch my episode with Millie. We were talking about how we feel that our friendships fulfill every need and want we have. And so I asked her, because she's in a relationship and I'm not, I said like, what does your boyfriend bring to you that your friends don't? Because right now, I'm just struggling to understand why I would ever need more than my friends because I'm so fulfilled with them and I'm so loved and I love them so much. Why am I going on these dates every now and then? Like, I don't even know what I'm looking for. I don't even like these people. Go away. I got to go away. Like, my, I'm like busy hanging out with my friends. And the reason that no healthy relationship can really be built on the foundation of like you are all the other one has is because it is natural to need different relationships with multiple different people, not romantic ones or sexual ones.
[11:21]But you need a village. If you can make peace, I think with that within yourself and acknowledge how that is going to be integral to your happiness and your lifetime. It will make it a lot less difficult to acknowledge it for other people. Does that make sense? When it comes to emotions like jealousy that are so shamed, it's important to realize that that emotion isn't shameful. It's the behavior that often accompanies it. It's not okay to be controlling. It's not okay to tell someone what they can and can't do. It's okay to put forward your boundaries. You can't fuck someone else. You can't sleep in someone else's bed. I'm going to be upset if you are spending 23 hours of the day with someone that isn't me. You need to feel wanted. You have to feel you deserve to, but also you need to, that's what otherwise why you're in the relationship. All these things need to exist in equilibrium. I love that word. It's not a thing of he likes them more than me. He likes his sister more than me. I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, lady, but maybe the closer to the truth is just that you feel and are, by the way, just not part of a dynamic that you would like to be, and you feel left out of that part of him. And if you love him, which it sounds like you do, then of course you want to be part of that dynamic. The thing about jealousy is people connect it to control because those are the examples that we most often see in toxic relationships where you see like jealousy is just running fucking rife and someone is desperately clinging to the other person to control them. Nine times out of 10 because the other person is crossing boundaries. I'm not a jealous person by nature. At least not majorly. However, I have been pushed in relationships to become jealous. And when I ask myself why I became jealous when I know it's just not a trait of mine that I feel very often, unless I'm pushed to it, the only answer that I could ever give it was this person was running away from me, and I was running towards them, desperately trying to fucking cling on for control, which manifested then in jealousy, because yeah, you are actually violating me right now. Like, what the fuck, you're like, you are. The connotation between jealousy and control is like they're they're almost feel synonymous, but this is a safe space, okay? And you have to be a safe space for yourself to hold actual truth about the way that you feel. And dare I say it's not about control. Your jealousy, you specifically, I'm not speaking for everyone. Your jealousy doesn't sound like it's about control, it's about connection. And when you look at it like that, it opens the door for empathy to yourself, because it's so much easier to empathize with somebody wanting and craving and needing connection than someone who is jealous. Well, why are you jealous? Because it's about connection. I want to feel as close to you as they seem to. Stop diminishing yourself and stop demonizing the feeling that you have. Because how you feel is really normal. You can't seem to control it, get over it, etcetera, were your exact words. And it's not something that you need to get over. I wouldn't tell my friend to get over something. I would ask them why they feel that way. And I don't think you're affording yourself that privilege, babe. She follows up with, for clarification, I've asked him to just talk to me more when he's on the phone with his friends, and he did at first, but sort of stopped. Other than this, we rarely get into arguments, and he's made me the happiest I've ever been. It sounds so gross and so bad, but I don't make a big deal of it to him, and I usually just get over it. I think when you approach a conversation with your partner about the fact that you are feeling jealousy towards what is a relatively normal part of their life, that isn't a breach of boundaries. It's just they're playing video games with their friends and they're having loads of fun and you're not involved in that, you're not on the headset, you don't know what the fuck they're laughing about. First of all, so fucking annoying. I actually hate when boys do that. Get the fuck off. Get the fuck, I'm in your bed. Are you crazy? Anyways, when you approach that conversation with him, right, or anyone's partner, when you approach that conversation about I feel jealous when you don't give me attention and you're on the phone for hours and you're laughing more with these other people. It's going to be easier for your partner to dismiss this or to feel that there is something for you to get over in a sense, because number one, the context isn't cruel. He's not purposefully cutting you out. It seems he's not talking to another girl in front of you. He's not going to the club without you, you know? And it's very easy for people to justify their own actions if they don't really want to change them. He wants to sit on the phone with his friends. And so now you're the one with the problem because you're jealous, and you've asked for a compromise. Will you check in with me more? Will you speak to me sometimes? Will you stroke my leg when you're on the phone, whatever it is that you have these little moments of reconnect with me, maybe sometimes, so that, you know, I don't feel fucking invisible. When you approach that conversation through the lens of jealousy, it's a lot easier to have it be something to get over again. And for him to justify not helping you through this more, and for you to dismiss your needs because, oh, I should get over it. I'm just jealous. And there's nothing to be jealous of. And it's just such a dead end way of fucking speaking about things. What would be more helpful is, like I told you earlier, if you can empathize with yourself and understand that, and I hope I'm not getting this wrong, and there's no contexts you've left out, because I'll be very upset with you if that's the case, and he's actually fucking talking to girls on that headset and doing all kinds of crazy nonsense, then then disregard. But rather than coming at it from the lens of jealousy and problem and something that is your problem that you need to get over, if instead you can go at that conversation with a real human emotion, which is connection. I feel disconnected from you when you're having conversations that I can only hear one side of because you're on the headset and you're playing a game that I don't understand. And presumably you're at his house, you have traveled to see him. You're giving up your afternoon. You're with him in his house. You don't have your stuff. You can't do whatever hobbies. You've allocated time out of your life to go and spend with him because you want to be in his presence and he is choosing to use that time to talk to someone else. It's not crazy that you feel jealous for that. And even if it isn't jealousy, it's not crazy that you feel a type of way. Something in the gut, something in the bowels, something in the in the sternum. Don't like it. For you to ask him for small moments of connection, for check-ins, for conversations throughout his gaming session or pauses or kisses or hugs, whatever it is, a handhold, even a glance. For that to just be viewed as jealousy is unfair on you, and it's dismissive, and you are aiding the dismissiveness by dismissing yourself. And jealousy is something most people don't want to think is fair or correct when there's no big cause of it. If instead, you come at this conversation again with him and say, it makes me feel undervalued when I'm just trying to spend time with you and you don't seem interested in really spending that time speaking with me or hanging out with me, or you're never like that with me. I don't get this side of you, and I love seeing this side of you because I love you. Can we do something together where we get to be silly like that? Maybe you can ask if he could teach you the game. Maybe he should offer for you to play. Maybe you get a second headset.
[18:35]Maybe when you just approach the conversation and you word it that it's not jealousy, it's a bid for connection, you're asking to connect with him and he's rejecting you, or he connected for a while and made a bit of an effort for a while, and then the effort fizzled out and he started to kind of ignore you again.
[18:51]Leave the word jealousy out of your vocabulary because it's too easy to dismiss and it's too misunderstood, and tell him what you're really looking for is to partake in his life, to partake in his silly side of him, to partake in the fun, to not feel like a chore, to not feel like your presence is the less fun thing in the room, and the second choice. Or if we're looking at a more healthy circumstance than maybe the gaming thing, let's go back to his sister. I'm sad we don't have fun like that. Or I'm sad that I don't make you laugh like that. I wish we had a connection that was more familiar or more fun. You can choose which way you want to go about this, but I think that would be a good place to start. It would be good for you to know what you actually need in that moment. Do you need affection or reassurance, or do you need fun? Do you want to plan? Do you want effort, dedication? Do you want time, dedication? If you can pinpoint that need, it would be helpful, because then you can also write off, or maybe write in, depending on your answer, where the feeling is coming from. Is it that you want more of him, or is it that you want more of what he has for yourself? Do you want friends that you can go on video games with? Do you want a closer friend group? Do you want a tighter bond with a sister if you don't have one? Do you want a closer girlfriend? What is it? Like, where is your need? He can't tell you that. You have to tell you that. And then when you figure out what is my need? What am I missing here? Because jealousy is not just something to get over. It's just your body, your brain, your heart communicating a need to you. Something is unmet. Something is neglected in there. And when you figure out what it is, you can figure out what you need, and your answer may be very simple. In which case, hey, I really want to learn how to play this video game with you. Or hey, I really don't want to sit in your room for hours while you play this video game and I feel ignored. If you can't give me frequent check-ins, and if you really just don't seem interested in our dynamic or my presence, you know, then I don't want to be at your house while you do that. Maybe let me know a time when you're not going to jump on the game with your friends. And this is now even better because now that you know what you're missing, what you need, and you're able to then communicate it to him by not saying, oh, I'm jealous. But by actually telling him how you feel and what you might need and trying it out. And if he acts in a way that meets those needs, great. And if he doesn't, then you have to be prepared to make a decision for yourself. Is this something you can tolerate, or is it not? Maybe you can, maybe you can't. Maybe you can tolerate it, but you really fucking shouldn't, and you really don't want to, and it's actually making you miserable, but you can tolerate it. And then it's just a question of how do you want to live your life, babe? Do you want to live it tolerating shit, or do you want to be happy? Like, do you want to be with someone who has explicitly heard you say that you actually need more communication, reassurance, more fun, more involvement, more appreciation, and just to feel seen? Do you want to be with someone who can hear you say those things and then disregard them? Because it's very easy to stay with someone who can disregard your problem with jealousy. You have a problem with jealousy and he's disregarding it. Oh, fair enough. He's not a bad guy. That's not what we're going to do. We're going to hand him something and watch what he does with it. And that's the opposite of jealousy, really. If you are able to muster the fucking courage and strength to not try and influence someone's actions, you just hand them something on a plate. Hey, this is my need. This is where it comes from. Here I am. And then you don't touch it. You don't influence them. You don't ask twice. You don't beg. You don't do the heavy lifting to make that need be met. You just give it to them, and you see how they respond, and you see how they accommodate, and you see how they're going to choose to love and care for you. You will get so many answers so quickly, and you will waste oh, so much less of your time in bad relationships. Because it's really scary to let someone just be themselves. We want people to be better. We want to feel like we are cared about. We want to feel like we are attractive enough to make someone act correctly. We want to feel like we have control. You can tell them once how to show up for you. You can tell them, you can do the work alone in your room right now. What is this feeling? Where does it come from? What is the need? What is the resolve? How can this person show up for me? And I again, I urge you, don't use the word jealousy. Or even have a conversation like I've just had with you, but with them, about jealousy. But that's where your job ends. You told them, you communicated, you did yourself justice. Now, let them be who they are. And if who they are is someone who doesn't care about you, who can disregard everything you put forth, put in front of them, and by doing so you're fucking health, sanity, well-being, uh, happiness, so on. They're going to compromise all that, so they can fucking sit on their headset, okay? Like I said, you got a decision to make, but I think that with a good conversation and a little bit of self-love and empathy, I just hate when people dismiss themselves. Cuz by the way, it is always this deep. It's always this deep. And by the way, the end goal that I want for you as your mother, now, is not just that at the end of the day, after all is said and done, say we have the best result ever, not just for you to feel secure and reassured, and to have that jealous twinge eased. You should feel like adored. You should feel special to that person. You should feel admired, adored, loved. Don't lose sight of that. In just trying to fix this part of yourself that you think is bad, if you get to a point where you're, okay, I feel secure. Check in with yourself. Are you also happy? Crazy question. Like, are you also happy, though? Are you also fulfilled? Are you also joyful? Cause those things matter too. Jealousy is a symptom. It is not an identity. Get that tattooed on your forehead. Okay, this one struck a chord with me because I've been kind of thinking about this lately.
[24:51]Okay, anyways, she said, she's wondering if I had any advice. Oh, I do. to get over an X. He cheated on me and I decided to forgive him, but he still broke up with me a year later. As much as I want to hate him, he was also really good to me. It's been almost a year and I sometimes catch myself missing him, but I tried to think of bad things to stop missing him. Any advice? I'm kind of, not advice opinions, like I said, but I have never been angry. Okay, that's a lie. I've been angry like once or twice, but like I have an ex who I really, really, really, really, really, really don't feel angry at, and it makes no sense to me. I hate talking about this shit online. Other than the initial period after, you know, the breakup, where I was angry and I was feeling like everything. I have not maintained any anger, and it's very foreign to me. Because I have other exes who I can still get angry at now, like that, like years old. And I don't get angry at them, but it's like if I wanted to, I could. And I hate seeing pieces of them in the world. Like, okay, that's not terrible, but sometimes when I see someone who resembles them, even if it's the way they move, the way they speak, the way they look. Sometimes I get a feeling of like warm familiarity, honestly, because I'm so fucking far from home these days, that like even my enemies look good to me out here. LA is a crazy place. But more or less, I feel distaste towards that, and I find that I have a pretty good reserve of negative feelings towards a lot of my like past relationships, and I hate that. I'm trying to work on it. And then I have another ex who I can't feel angry at, and I don't, I do know why, I think, but I couldn't figure out why until recently. Let me tell you. And maybe this doesn't apply to you, but here's my thoughts. When you can't feel angry at someone, especially someone, okay, so you're saying he cheated on you. That's a huge thing. Cheating is such a repulsive thing to do to another person. You violate like every part of their being, especially when that person is sexual with you after the cheating, and then you find out, oh my God, like, you violated my body and my soul. Like, was that, was my soul not enough for you? You had to make my body feel like I have to scrub it too for months. Like, how could you do that to me for what too? Like, coming, like, a-kidding? Was it, was it great for nine seconds, babe? What the fuck is wrong with you? How much validation could be worth it? How much, how much sexual pleasure could be worth the fact that my skin feels dirty, and my soul is dead? I've had situations where to kind of different degrees of cheating, or is it not cheating, and like clearly someone did something wrong and it's like, oh, it kind of breaches this line of cheating and it's like, you can kind of define it for yourself per the context, cause everyone's context is always different.
[27:46]But I think if you really think about what this person did to you, the fact that they cheated on you, I will talk about the fact that you forgave him in a second. But it's actually a very hard thing to come to terms with a lot of the time, and I think when something happens that is so painful and such a violation of only two things that you really have in the world, which is your soul and your body, your spirit and your body, and when I say body, I mean your your physical body, your brain, your nervous system, your privacy, like your genitals, like everything, like you just took all of my control away from me. I would never have agreed to be close to you or have sex with you again if I knew what you had done.
[28:28]How can you do that to me, especially to someone I trusted? When you really think about how big of a violation it truly is when someone cheats on you, especially when they then don't tell you, that can be so, I think, difficult to like sit with, that I think a lot of the time, people do forgive their partners for it, and don't leave, because you just don't feel ready or safe to go through that.
[28:56]And the human mind is a crazy thing, and I think it can just genuinely trick you into if I stay with them and they prove that they're better, and they're not a scary and horrible as I think that they are, and this person isn't who they just showed me they were, then I don't have to hold the truth of what just happened to me, and therefore, I don't have to process that pain. So even if you go through something traumatic like that, and then you leave, it doesn't necessarily mean that just because you don't forgive them, and you did walk away, it doesn't mean that you are going to feel safe with yourself to emotionally process that experience. Does that make sense?
[29:34]And so I think just because you don't feel angry and you don't feel all that hurt about what happened to you, does not mean you're not. Does that make sense? Like for me, what made me realize recently that this was the case, was there were so many things that I would think about like, why am I not angry about it? Why can't I feel hatred or animosity or resentment or anger?
[30:00]Or even just anything bad. I just feel nothing towards this person, and I don't know why, because I know I should be upset. I should feel something. Even if it's not anger, even if it's not hatred, I should feel something. And I don't. And I should, I'm just like sat like, I know these experiences happened to me, and I know I'm going to have to deal with them at some point, but like, I just, I just don't feel a type of way about it right now. Until very recently, I had an experience that dug up so much for me. I'm going to fucking spare you the details, but I went on a date, and this person did something on that date that made me feel very weird.
[30:35]And at first, I gave them the benefit of the doubt. I was like, okay, things got lost in translation. They probably didn't mean to do that. Like I don't want to like talk to them about this and make them feel terrible about it when they probably didn't mean to.
[30:48]I'll just blame myself or I'll blame a mutual lack of communication. I'll blame a mutual missed something. We missed something, and it's no one's fault, and it was I don't feel good about what happened, but I'm not going to place blame on anyone. This kind of just makes sense because I'm not actually going to tell you what happened. Don't want to, but the point of my story is, as time went on, and I dwelled more on that experience, because I couldn't stop fucking thinking about it, and it was driving me crazy because I did, I barely knew the guy. Don't give a flying fuck about him. Didn't at the time, don't now. But this experience was genuinely like walking around behind me all day. Like I could fucking see it in the corner of my eye. He's right behind me, isn't he? I could not get over it, and it was just driving me crazy. And so, I actually asked chat GBT, why is this making me so angry? Like I'm angry. I'm angry at this guy, and I don't even know him, and I have no real right to be angry because I've decided in my own head that it was no one's fault, and that he probably just made a mistake. Like he probably just didn't mean to do that, and he probably didn't mean to say that, and he probably didn't mean to be this person. And like it's just awkward and uncomfortable, and I don't, I don't want to feel a type of way about this because it's heavy, so I'm just going to agree that it was no one's fault, and move on. And so I told Chat GBT all of this. The conclusion Chat and I came to was, you feel angry at this random boy who did this fucking thing to you. That you're right, maybe it's not a big deal, whatever, but the reason you're angry at him is because it's safe to be angry at him because this person is so irrelevant to you. You didn't need anything from him. You don't want to pursue anything with him. You don't really like him that much. And you have no history with him, and it's so safe for you to experience this anger because the stakes are low, and it is a comparatively small experience to the big one, to the big thing that you won't talk about. The big looming, multiple traumas that are just like sat in your spleen, babe. That's what Chat told me. It made sense. And so I was thinking about it for a long time, because I also didn't really want to accept that truth, because, like, that's really annoying if that's true. I'd rather just think like I'm a really cool laid-back person who like doesn't care that much about like when things happen in her life, and like she can just like, you know, it's like, yeah, and neither here nor there, you know, yeah, yeah, it was like low-key traumatizing, but like I'm low-key fine with it. Like, it's so chill. The more I dwelled on it, the more I realized, yeah, that actually doesn't align with me, and I am bothered. And, um, even after having that conversation with Chat where he was like, you're angry at him because it's safe to be, and it's a sign that you're healing, because this is the first time, mind you, he's fully caught up on my life. He was like, this is the first time that someone has prodded one of your little wounds that you refuse to acknowledge exist. And they've been a person who is low-stakes enough for you to feel the emotional force of like, fuck you. You don't get to do that to me. That hurt me. Why would you do that? And I realized the reason that I'm apathetic is not because it didn't hurt, and it's not because I didn't care, and it's not because I'm not angry. It's because I don't know how to hold the weight of what actually happened. And I think it's possible that especially since you were telling me he cheated on you and you did forgive him and you did stay with him, that you kind of don't know where to start. And I think maybe it's possible you want to validate that you didn't really do that to yourself. Because it's very hard. And I've had these conversations with my girly of like, I don't want to like blame myself for being with someone who was terrible. I'm not terrible. I didn't choose. I didn't want to be treated badly. I didn't choose to be abused. I didn't that's crazy. And it's like, no, you didn't. You didn't ask for that. You didn't deserve it. You didn't ask for it. But that's not a butt, but it's a continuation. You have to get to a certain point in your life if you're going to heal from things where you have to look back and acknowledge the fact. And it doesn't mean that you're crazy or bad.
[34:53]You have to acknowledge that you let yourself stay even after you knew, and that can just be a painful realization. And I think when you're kind of faced with this truth, it's much easier to just close the door on it, and actually slam the door on it, instead try and remember the good about the person. To kind of further, I guess, like validate that version of yourself as not being your own worst enemy, because it's really tricky to process that.
[35:23]That you did let yourself stay with a man who had so little fucking regard for you as a person that he violated like every term of the agreement that you two made. And he did it all for one night of pleasure, or for a fling.
[35:43]Like, he's so selfish, and you meant so little. Like, that's the harsh truth. He was so selfish, and you meant so little to him, and you were so diminishable in his eyes for him to go out and do that to you. Of course, it's easier to try and just remember the good things and try and validate that you weren't crazy for staying, and that, you know, you had your reasons. And just remember the good stuff because it's nicer that way. And you're not crazy for that. You're really not crazy for that. It's self-preservation at its finest, and something to not be proud of, per se. But like, it's not something to hate yourself for, if that makes sense. But it is something that you can choose to change and acknowledge, I think. You don't want to go back to a man who cheated on you, but it is okay to miss him and to think about him in very warm and very soft ways. And it doesn't diminish what he did to you. It is more indicative of just a process that your body and your brain is going through. I also think that since he cheated on you, and then you decided to forgive him, and then he broke up with you a year later, babe, that's really painful, not going to lie. If I was in your shoes, I would feel my whole body would lead me like a fucking like a moth to the light, okay? My body would lead me to try and get validated by him. And again, that's not embarrassing. Validation, much like jealousy, is one of those things that like has dirty connotations, and like, oh, you shouldn't need validation, you shouldn't. It's so fucking normal to need validation. You shouldn't base your life on it. And I wouldn't say it's something to aspire to, but it's so human. Like it's so normal. And it's like everyone needs validation to exist as a sane human. You need to believe at the base level that your perception of reality is correct. You need that to be validated by other people who say, yes, the sky is blue today. Yes, trees are green. The sun is bright, and rain is wet. Like, that's base level, right? Everyone needs validation to live. And if you are in a position in your life where for whatever reason, you cannot supply it to yourself, that you are valuable, lovable, deserving of respect.
[38:05]Like if you're not in a position where you cannot yet supply yourself with force behind the belief and the words. You can say it in the mirror all you want, but like if you really can't back it up with any feeling in your body that you are exciting and fun and smart and beautiful and worthy of love, respect, decency, honesty, and safety. That's a really scary place to be psychologically, and it's in a place where like a lot of people are. I'd say like most fucking people, especially young people, to a degree. It's not crazy or psychotic for you to in the absence of you being able to provide that for yourself, to seek it from another person. When someone initially starts dating you, almost always they are going to affirm those things for you that they think that you are exciting, that you're beautiful, you're sexy, you're interesting, you're smart, you're fun, you're everything, right? Like, even if it's just for a very short period of time and then they become like the world's biggest shithead. Most people can understand like that should at least be there for a fucking day, a minute, a second. Otherwise like you're never going to get into their house, cuz they don't like you. You know? And whether it's real or fake, it's there for a second. So when someone rips that away, and they cheat on you, and they say, hmm, yeah, someone else was sexier than you, to me, even just for a night. They were sexier than you, and I wanted them more than you. As interesting as you were and are to me, they were more interesting. And even if they weren't more interesting, your personhood, your interestingness, your excitement, your beauty, wasn't enough to stop me from doing what I did. Sorry. It's so much easier to miss them than it is to be angry at them. And everyone's body works differently. You know, some people will just be angry from day dot. And and they say, fuck you. And then they go crazy for a few months, and then they're all good. And some people do what you and I do. The reason that I always say like, I would never judge one of my girls for going back to an abusive ex. And I say abusive, I think cheating, it it has to be a form of abuse, like emotional abuse, and just like you can't violate someone's life like that, their trust, their psyche, and potentially their body, potentially compromise their health, and call it anything else, in my opinion. I think it is a form of abuse, genuinely. Um, I think it's fucking cruel. I think it's pathetic. I think it's disgusting. I think there is no redemption from it, other than to genuinely go in a fucking pilgrimage. Am I wrong? Cheating is so common. Like you just hear about it all the time that you forget to actually consider how fucking crazy it is. And I know everyone knows it's crazy. Well, we know it's crazy. Apparently like some people haven't caught up, but like we know it's crazy, right? Actually, think about it for a second. Just like sit with it. It's fucking insane to do that to another person. Like, just stab me. Like, just stab I just stab me. I don't get it. Break up with me. And then go put your dick in her. I I don't get it. What about you is so much more important than me?
[41:15]That that's where the needs are. That's where the priorities lie. I will kill you.
[41:26]I will kill him for you, lady. I think if you are like me and you have certain things that you just can't quite process, that you know were big, and you know were impactful and harmful, and you're not angry about them, and you don't cry about them, and you barely think about them, but you just kind of feel them in your body. Like, yeah, they're they're there, that happened, and I know it's not nothing. You just have to create an environment where you're safe to feel those things. For me, it was this random guy who I could feel angry at because it didn't matter, but I wasn't that angry at him for what he did. I was angry the multitude of things that someone else had did that were in the same realm of what he did. And so I had years worth of fucking pain come out at him, because he was the guy that was there when that wound got poked. And my body was finally safe to process it. It just needed a poke. It just needed like a prod. And then it was like, oh, yeah, that one hurt, actually. One of my biggest dreads when now I'm just talking about me. Shut up, guys. No more advice. Now we're talking about Madeline.
[42:51]Um, one of my biggest things when I was and even now, like thinking about the fact that there's a lot I have to process, that I have not processed, and that I don't know how to access, that is locked up somewhere in my chest, and I can't reach it. I can't find the key. I don't know what the key looks like. Don't know where the key is. And most of all, I'm scared to start, because I'm always scared of becoming an angry person.
[43:19]It's my biggest thing. I don't mind being hurt. I don't mind being sad. I don't mind life happening to me, and it hurting sometimes. But I do mind being angry. My least favorite thing to be. And so I hate when a motherfucker does something, like I hate when a bitch does something that rightfully I should be angry about. And now I have to feel anger because you don't have a fucking brain, and you don't have compassion. And now I have to compromise my soul. I was not put on earth to feel anger. Look at me. I'm a lovely little lady. I was not put here to be angry. I was put here to feel a multitude of things. Anger was never one of them. And now, here I am, and I have rage in my body that's locked up, and I can't get rid of it because of you, because you're fucking selfish, because you're fucking stupid. How dare you? And so for me, I actively avoid sometimes, right now, seeking out emotional outlets or seeking out a way to process various traumatic incidents because I know that when I do, it will come out, and for at least a minute, I will be angry, and I don't want to feel that. But it happened without my intention. It happened when that guy did that thing, and I got angry, and I got really angry, and I got really sad. Not even that sad, just angry and upset and actually furious. 5% of it was really at what he did, and 95% was the one behind him. The one in the corner. Over there. Can you guys see him too? I'm so scared. My departing message is, you don't have to let anger rule your life. You can just feel it, see it as healing, see it as you finally seeing yourself again, and seeing what you did deserve, and what you didn't deserve, and seeing the pain someone put you through, and there's no way to heal from pain, I don't think, unless you look at it. You have to like clean the wound. I don't know. Like, you have to sometimes poke it. You have to like pull the knife out. That's kind of how I think about it. Is like, I know people say don't poke wounds. Like, you have to let scars heal, whatever. Okay, yeah, but what if the knife is still in my spleen, though? Oh, what then? First, I have to pull it out. Then the anger's going to come gushing out. But then, I'm going to put pressure on the wound, and I'm going to sew it up, and I'm going to like put disinfectant, and like give it a kiss, and then time will heal. And the antiseptic will heal it too. And the fact that there's not a fucking knife in my spleen anymore is also a good start in terms of healing it. But right now, I have a lot of things that feel like the knife is just still there, and I don't know how to like pull it out. When are you guys going to do an advice podcast for me? The fuck? Someone tell me how. There's like 50 knives in my spleen, guys. But yeah, anyway, point being, I'm learning not to be afraid of anger because it's necessary, it's healing, because it's a recognition of what was wrong, and what you did deserve. Because you really won't feel angry unless you know you didn't deserve that, you know? Like, you won't feel angry unless you see what was wrong. And then the anger won't really mean anything, unless when you see what was wrong, you also see, fuck you. I didn't deserve that. Here's what I did deserve. Now I'm going to create a life where I receive what I deserve. I'm learning to not fear the anger because it does not have to stay for long. If you go about it right, if you have good friends, family, if you just have yourself, and you are good, you know? And it doesn't have to rule your life. You can sit with it. You're not angry with a period at the end. You just you feel angry. Anger's passing through you. It's a stage. It's not the start. It's not the end. It's just a stage of something important, a process that leads to somewhere much better. You just have to like dare to feel the anger, and then like find where the knife is, and then find the key for the chest in the in the box in the chest, and it's like a whole thing. Okay, well, I answered two queries on this podcast, cuz apparently I can't shut the fuck up. Anyway, love you guys. I actually have to go because I have a cardiologist appointment. Anyways, I'm done. I have to go. I'm I'm making myself late to my cardiologist appointment because I have to go put trousers on, and I have to pee, and oh, it's a whole mess. Okay, I love you guys. Sorry that I only touched on two of the emails because there was genuinely fucking thousands. Um, if you guys enjoyed this episode, we can do more of these because there were so many good ones that I screenshot, and I love feeling like I'm speaking with you guys because it's actually fucking lonely over here. So that that was much appreciated. Okay. Another one. Love you guys. Have a good day.
