[0:29]Mom, I don't want you to go. Oh sweetie, you love Miss Hunt. He's such a baby. Don't be silly. I'm not a baby. Yes, yes, you are. No, I'm not. You are a baby. Guys, no fighting. Guys. Hi there. We're a bit early. I'm still waiting for the babysitter. Mom, don't worry, I can look after him.
[1:02]Well, I guess she should be here any minute. Mom.
[1:08]All right, you can read him a story. Don't open the door for anyone but Miss Hunt. Okay? Love you. Bye, Mom. Bye, Mom.
[1:23]Mom.
[1:33]Miss Hunt? Yes.
[1:54]It's a giant wolf. A giant, hungry wolf. Can you show me the kitchen, little boy? Haven't you had any dinner yet? That's strange. I thought I'd have a bite here. What do you like most? Hmm, I think I like you. And I like you.
[2:23]What are you doing? I'm preparing the vegetables. I'm cutting onions, cooking potatoes. And then I'm going to eat you up.
[2:40]But it's Story time. Yes, story time.
[2:56]All right, story time. Let me tell you a story about No, not just one story. Two kids, two stories. That's story time. Yeah, two stories. Today, it's Jack and the beanstalk. And Well, you can't tell Jack's story without Cinderella's. Cinderella, Oh, she always wants to hear it all the time. Cindy loses her shoe, and instead, she gets the prince. Aha. You think you know these stories. You don't. The real ones are much more gory. The phony ones, the ones you know, were cooked up years and years ago and made to sound all soft and sappy.
[3:57]For instance, did you know that Jack and Cindy were neighbors?
[4:09]Cindy.
[5:01]Where's the jam? Cinderella, get her.
[5:35]Oh, Cindy. No jam for Cindy.
[5:47]Jack. You creep. We're stony broke. Go out and find some wealthy bloke who'll buy our cow. Daisy sounds worth at least a hundred pounds, but don't you dare to let him know. She's as old as Billy O. Daisy sounds worth at least a hundred pounds, but don't you dare to let him know. She's as old as Billy O.
[6:29]Well, welcome.
[6:48]Jack gave the old brown cow away and came back later in the day. When he produced one lousy bean, his startled mother, turning green, leaped high up in the air and cried. I'm absolutely stupefied. You, crazy boy, do you really mean you sold our daisy for a bean? She snatched the bean. She yelled. You tub. And flung it on the rubbish dump. Then summoning up all her power, she beat the boy for half an hour using. And nothing could be meaner. The handle of a vacuum cleaner. What?
[7:39]The ugly sisters, jewels and all, departed for the palace ball.
[7:48]Help. Oh, help. Please. Let me out. The magic fairy heard her shout.
[8:01]Appearing in a blaze of light, she said, My dear, are you all right? All right? All right. Why can't you see? I feel as rotten as can be. She beat her fist against the wall and shouted. Get me to the ball.
[8:23]There is a disco at the palace. The rest have gone and I am jealous. I want a dress. I want a coach. And earrings and a diamond brooch. And silver slippers, two of those. And lovely nylon pantyhose. Done up like that, I'll guarantee the handsome prince will fall for me.
[8:55]The fairy said, hang on a tick. She gave her wand a mighty flick.
[9:04]And keep in mind, you'll lose your frock if you're not home by 12:00.
[11:08]Oh, no. Oh, heck. I've got to run to save my neck.
[11:16]The prince cried. No, alas, alas. He grabbed her dress to hold her back. As Cindy shouted. Let me go. The dress was ripped from head to toe.
[11:31]She ran out in her underwear and lost one slipper on the stair. The prince was on it like a dart. He pressed it to his pounding heart. The girl this slipper fits, tomorrow morn, shall be my bride.
[11:53]Then, rather carelessly, I fear, he placed it on a keg of beer. At once, one of the ugly sisters, the one whose face was blotted with blisters, sneaked up and grabbed the dainty shoe and quickly flushed it down the loo. Then in its place, she calmly put the slipper from her own right foot. That's not fair. Aha, you see? The plot grows thicker. And Cindy's luck starts looking sicker.
[12:28]Mom. Mom. Mom.
[12:46]You little creep, you lunatic. Where are the beans that I can pick? There's not one bean. It's bare, it's bare. No, mother, look up there. Look very high and you'll behold each single leaf is solid gold. My gollykins. My sainted souls. I'll sell the mini bar of rolls. Don't stand and gape, you little clot. Get up there quick and grab the lot.
[13:23]Jack was nimble, Jack was keen. He scrambled up the mighty bean. Up, up he went without a stop. But just as he was near the top, a ghastly, frightening thing occurred. Not far above his head, he heard a big, deep voice, a rumbling thing that made the very heavens ring.
[14:12]Fee, fi, fo, fum. I smell the blood of an English man.
[14:34]Ah.
[14:39]Oh, Mom's dear. Believe you me, there's something nasty up our tree. I saw him, Mom. My gizzard froze. A giant with a clever nose.
[14:56]Meanwhile, in town, the tension grew. Who was the owner of the shoe?
[15:04]The shoe was long and very wide. A normal foot got lost inside. Also, it smelled a wee bit icky. The owner's feet were hot and sticky. He smelled me out. I swear it, Mom. He said he smelled an English man. Well he might. I've told you every single night to take a bath because you smell. What you doing? You even make your mother shrink because of your unholy stink. Well, darling, Mom. If you're so clean, why don't you climb the crazy bean? My gollykins. By God. I will. There's life within the old dog still. There's life within the old dog still.
[20:13]Off with her nut. Off with her nut. Off with her nut. Off with her nut. Off with her nut.
[22:49]Just then, all in a blaze of light, the magic fairy hoved in sight. Her magic wand went swoosh and swish. Come on, now Cindy, make a wish.
[23:08]Wish anything and have no doubt that I will make it come about. Cindy answered, No more princes. No more money. I've had my taste of honey.
[23:25]Her magic wand went swoosh and swish. All the nasty soldiers went into a squishy, mushy dish.
[23:37]Oh, the lovely dishes. They're hard to find. Do you think you can?
[25:12]Looks like a bath does seem to pay. I'm going to have one every day. The house was filled with smiles and laughter, and they were happy ever after.
