[0:01]Please, don't mind the ghost telling, type of scary lighting. Anyways, a lot of people have been asking me, where have you gone? I've took a break from just a little bit of everything. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I don't really feel like I connect with people, and I feel that people are very scary. My biggest fear would be people, you know, cuz you don't really know how people are.
[0:36]But yeah, people are scary and people I meet are scary. And people that I've known are also scary. I feel like when I meet new people, I try my best to put myself out there. You know, progress always isn't linear, so it kind of regresses. So, that's kind of where I'm at again. I'm just back to like very, very disconnected, and I don't know how to approach people or do the right social queues or know how to interact. Every time I meet people or am in a social interaction, whether it's with people I've known or, you know, I always feel on edge, always anxious, and sometimes I just I just wish it can stop. Like, I wish I didn't have to overthink and just wonder, oh, does this person actually like me or doesn't like me? In the grand scheme of things, why does that even matter? We're all going to fucking die anyways. Why do these little things matter, right? Is what we tell ourselves, but um, our feelings are valid and, you know, we're social human beings. We want to connect with people. I I really tried to like mask myself and try to go along with like, oh, what I think people would like me as. And it would work sometimes. But you know, some people see through that and sometimes I just don't know how to make it work when I know people can kind of tell like, oh, he's just trying to like fit in. I don't know. Ever since I was little, like, my main thing was trying to fit in, especially when you felt like you're the odd ones out when you're growing up. Like, I was the only fresh off the boat Asian kid, and I was made in China, so I got I got props here because of my mom. But you know, you had to you had to fit in. You had to assimilate. That's like what we're taught. And I literally used to tell myself, I'm not Chinese. I'm American. Like, I told my mom that too, and my grandma. Like, looking back at it now, it's so sad that I was like denying my own heritage. But, um, obviously I've grown older and I've grown since then. And I kept moving and didn't know how to interact with people. New crowd, people with niche, what's it called? Is it niche? No, it's clicky, yes, clicky friend groups. I never knew how to navigate myself around those friend groups. Like, even if I think they're cool, I want to be a part of them or I want to seem like I'm a cool kid or whatever. Even now, even now, it just felt like I was never cool enough. And, you know, a lot of people tell me or like, I've heard people say like, you don't have to fit in with the cool kids or you don't have to fit in with this or that. But I don't know why, like like something just felt like I needed to like be that way or else I'm just a loser. And that kind of low-key, I kind of fulfilled that self-fulfilling prophecy because I literally had like no friends when I was like on an ice skating team for like almost a year. Like, I didn't know how to interact with them and I would sit alone every single time. And it was like the worst feeling ever. But that was also when my depression was like making me like a genuine fucking zombie. But now depression is just making me feel like a crazy bitch, cuz I'd be like here and then here. Not many people know much about me and I'm scared to share vulnerable parts about me. People are, mayhaps, evil. Mayhaps. I had some really, really weird interactions with people recently and it's really made me even more scared of people than I already was. Like, you can imagine like, oh, a socially anxious kid at like this level who puts on a front to seem like they can fit in and shit. But amp it up like past the screen, you know, just amp it up like tenfold. You know, when people do shitty things to you, it makes you distrust people even more. And I don't know, I just go crazy. I know people aren't bad people. People are just human. And the human are good and bad. Like there's no just like like, it's not just like one or the other. It's just both coexisting. But then like, what I have trouble with is just like, what is the good that you can accept and what is the good that you can't accept? I have trouble trying to come to terms with those things. I'm still figuring things out and I'm still learning about myself and the world. And I can't say I have very high hopes for a lot of things for myself, especially myself. Um, I feel like this video kind of also answers some questions about why I named myself no longer human. It's because similar to the author of that book, I really feel like I'm putting on a mask. Like some part of me always feels like I'm playing some type of role. It's just hard to know who I actually am and do people actually accept me as I am? Even now, some very close people I've been friends with for a while, or just I I don't really know what to think of people. People can do you wrong, but also, you're just people. I want to be forgiving, but I don't want to be a pushover. The main point of this video is that I just feel very, very, very lonely.
[6:03]Guys, I cannot be stage. This is so stupid, bro. Back to my story telling shit. The main point of this video is just I feel very, very, very lonely. It's not just like being physically alone. It's also just mentally feeling like I can't connect with people on a deeper level. And that fucking sucks. Cuz I don't want to have crippling, crippling like heart like palpitations whenever I see people that I want to be friends with, but I don't know how to talk to them and I I like I literally like I stutter, I say the wrong things, I make things awkward, and then I'm just sitting up there, I'm like, or I'm in a group setting. I completely get ignored. Oh my God. That's been happening. Like, I I try to talk and like try to chime in, say something funny, but no, no one hears me. No one freaking hears me, even though I think my voice is loud. Like, I think my voice, I don't have a quiet voice. That that could be up for debate, but I don't have a quiet voice. I have good projection, so that I I think like, do people seriously not hear me or are they just purposely ignoring me? Like, I really don't understand. Or maybe it's just the wrong crowd. I would talk to people or like say things, but they would directly ignore me and talk to like my other friend, for example. That's just that's just something that happens, I guess. But yeah, that's kind of just update with life. I don't know how to deal with when you when you've been so isolated for so long. I had so many periods of my time where I was so isolated in my life, cuz I don't have any siblings either and Dad is gone. Well, not like dead, but like just deadbeat. Mom is out work 24/7, zero time for me and I was always home alone. I don't know. I try to find connection with the internet, through games or like anime. I distracted myself for a while with those fandoms, but I don't know sometimes now that I've grown older, I feel like these distractions don't work the same for me anymore. And that's why it's hard to cope. And that's why it's really hard to cope, actually. Cuz if I don't have connection with any sort of media or much of anything at all, what is what is there to look for? If I don't have connection with people, society, community, no community, it just feels like some stuff in life just feels pretty meaningless. Not to be a Debbie downer. You can see that in a positive way or a negative way, but for me, I'm a pessimist that tries to be optimistic, but yeah. Oh my God, there are so many fucking flies. I mean, the world's going to end, so let's just try to be ourselves, right? I will keep trying to tell myself telling myself that and let's see if things get better. Um, yeah, I'm not officially back. I'm just giving an update. Signing out. This is no longer human_77.
