[0:00]Are you tired of being disrespected? Have you noticed that in work, friendships, even relationships, people seem to be so comfortable with disrespecting you?
[0:11]People might even say things to you that they are not comfortable saying to other people.
[0:16]You think to yourself, I'm such a nice person, I try to be kind to everyone, yet somehow that energy is not given back to me and you wonder why?
[0:26]Well honey, it's because you are kind without boundaries.
[0:30]When you are kind in a way where people almost feel like whatever I do to this person or whatever I say to this person, they will still stay, they will still accept my behavior.
[0:42]Oh my God, you will meet the worst kind of people.
[0:46]People will play with you, people will use you, people will abuse you when they notice that you are someone like this. So you have to learn to stand up for yourself.
[0:55]If you feel like I need to really dig deeper and work with someone professional on my boundaries, then maybe you should consider therapy.
[1:03]That is why BetterHelp is the paid partner of this video.
[1:06]BetterHelp is a platform where therapists and their clients can communicate effectively.
[1:11]Also, there is a journal inside of the platform that you can use for personal reflection.
[1:16]And there are group sessions available every single day with a number of different topics.
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[1:43]If you are struggling and you think that you might benefit from a therapy session, then consider signing up to BetterHelp using betterhelp.com/wizardliz or click the description down below to get 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.
[1:59]Hi guys, my name is Liz and welcome back to my channel.
[2:02]Let's get into it. First things first.
[2:05]Understand that people, when you first start standing up for yourself, after you have never done that, they will make you feel like a bad guy.
[2:13]So they'll be like, you're selfish, you're vain, how dare you.
[2:16]People that call you selfish for you standing up for yourself, are the same people that benefit from you having no boundaries.
[2:23]These are the same people that want to use and abuse you. So don't listen to them.
[2:28]If someone comes to me and they're like, hey Liz, I don't feel comfortable, I don't want to talk about this, I'm not going to be offended.
[2:32]Because that is the person's personal boundaries and that is okay.
[2:37]Now, if I want to use that person or I have been used to using them, I'm going to be offended.
[2:43]Because I'm going to be like, who do you think you are right now? I've always used you, I've always abused you.
[2:48]I'm going to think to myself, why do you all of a sudden have these boundaries now? Because I'm used to being bad to you.
[2:53]Also, I need you to understand that humans will test how far they can go with you.
[2:58]So let's say you have a relationship. And in the beginning of that relationship, the person that you're with starts calling you a bitch or whatever. And you just accept that. You're like, okay, fine. He was mad, whatever.
[3:09]It goes further. It goes further. And it goes further and it gets very, very abusive.
[3:14]In the beginning, you show this person, I don't really have a problem with you degrading me with words.
[3:20]Now, in the human mind, because we are still a little animalistic, they're going to think, how much further can I go?
[3:25]How much more power can I have over this person?
[3:28]That's why when someone does that from the beginning, you have to create such a drama.
[3:34]Imagine you still want to be with the person, you don't want to leave, then you have to create such a drama that you basically traumatize this person into never doing that to you again.
[3:42]Because they know you will overreact in the most craziest way.
[3:47]Do not force yourself to answer personal questions.
[3:51]Whether it's on social media, whether it's with friends, whether it's with family, strangers, when it's not required, imagine you have a job interview and they ask you like where you used to work or whatever.
[4:03]And obviously, you're going to answer. But when it's not really required and people are really fishing for information, like who are you dating?
[4:09]Oh, how do you get your money? All these things. You can say, I don't feel comfortable talking about my personal life with you.
[4:18]You can say that. There's no issue in that. So if you want to be more private and you're not comfortable with sharing personal information, then don't do that. Don't force yourself.
[4:27]Because you're at the end of the day going to feel bad for sharing and oversharing with these people.
[4:32]People are literally so crazy. They will take whatever you said, they will add 700 things on top of this.
[4:38]They will completely put it in a mixer and then they will say that you said that when that was never what you said.
[4:43]So be very careful with what you want to share and what you don't want to share.
[4:46]Don't agree to last minute, no effort plans.
[4:50]Imagine you're going on a date, okay? And this guy claims to be so interested in you, but he's like, hey, come over in one hour to my house.
[5:01]Don't fucking go. Who goes there?
[5:04]What is this invite? This is actually so disrespectful.
[5:08]I swear, people that put standards for themselves and they're like, I'm not going to accept anything like that.
[5:16]And they put a boundary there. They get the most out of life.
[5:21]People that just come at any opportunity. I will come. Yeah, okay. That is desperate. That is super desperate. And it's off-putting. No.
[5:29]If someone puts no effort in like going on a date with you, they don't care. And they're like, oh yeah, just show up.
[5:36]Or there's a one hour before they're like, come. And you go.
[5:40]Same thing when women say, oh yeah, he doesn't buy me flowers. Why do I never get princess treatment?
[5:45]Did you ever make sure that he had to give that to you? Like from the beginning, did you set those boundaries?
[5:51]Like with me and all my relationships, everyone knew, either you give me princess treatment or I'm not with you. That was it.
[5:58]It's just about the fact that I want to see a man put effort to be with me.
[6:01]If you allow people to just like this, let you come when they want to come, they let you go.
[6:06]They sleep with you whenever they want to sleep with you. You will get used. You'll get abused.
[6:11]People will not respect you at all. Because it is a form of self-respect to say, no, you didn't plan a date, I'm not coming.
[6:19]Imagine your boss always calls you and you're always the one to pick up and you're like, okay, I will come to work. Okay, I will fill in for them, blah, blah, blah.
[6:25]Your boss, your co-workers, they also don't respect you because they always know like, whatever, I can count on her. Oh, she will take my shift.
[6:33]What are you? Are you a garbage bag? Why do you let yourself be treated that way? No.
[6:36]You see, you deserve people putting effort into you. You deserve to be respected and I need you to understand that you're not a bad person for saying no.
[6:47]Say it with me. I'm not a bad person for saying no. I'm not a bad person for putting boundaries.
[6:54]I actually respect myself. And once you respect yourself, people around you will start respecting you.
[7:00]Don't come to me with like, oh yeah, but everyone said that I was mean and this and that, if I do that, then they're going to call me mean.
[7:07]They might call you mean, but they will think twice before they put you through that bullshit again.
[7:12]When you set up a boundary, make sure that they pay for what they did.
[7:18]Not in an extreme way. But when you say that you didn't like what they did to you, but they don't care, they still did it.
[7:26]Then you have to remove your presence. Either it's for a little while or completely, okay?
[7:33]Why do you do that? Because you have to show with your actions that you're actually serious about defending yourself.
[7:40]Because you guys saying like, I didn't like that. But then you're all good with them. Just like this one minute later.
[7:46]Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because they're going to do the same thing because they know there is no consequences for treating you that way.
[7:53]So you have to give people consequences. You have to be, they have to know in their head, oh my God, if I behave this way, I know Liz will do this.
[8:02]And there is a consequence, okay? Don't force yourself to agree with everyone or to change your opinions just because someone said something.
[8:09]Have your own opinions in life. Like look at things from your own perspective, teach yourself things from your own perspective, and then talk with people from your perspective.
[8:20]Because if you're so easily manipulated, like someone can tell you, oh my God, the sky is purple today. And you're like, you know what? Maybe the sky is purple.
[8:29]You're so easily manipulated then. No, be like, no, I don't think so. I think the sky is blue. That's it. That's my opinion. You can have your opinion.
[8:35]Same way, I see people argue about religion. I see people argue about all these things when it's like, you can have your opinion, I can have my beliefs.
[8:43]That's it. Give yourself space to recollect.
[8:47]So imagine you just had a fight with family, a partner, whoever, work, whatever. You don't need to talk to them right then and there and fix it right then and there.
[8:57]Don't push yourself to do that. If you're a person like I am, for example, I need some space and I need to think.
[9:03]And I also need to think about what I did wrong, what the person did wrong. And then I can talk to the person when I'm calmed down.
[9:09]If you're a person like that, that is okay. Like that is having that boundary because you don't want to say more offensive things or more things that are coming from an emotional standpoint.
[9:19]You first want to go, you want to recollect yourself and your thoughts. Then you want to come back to have that conversation.
[9:25]That's like, hey, can I have some space to think about what just happened or to recollect my thoughts? And that's it.
[9:31]You go and you have your space and you come back when you feel like you're ready to talk now.
[9:37]Also people that constantly think that you should be available for them 24/7, to listen to their misery, all these things.
[9:44]You don't have to do that. You don't have to play people's therapist constantly. Like I used to have this issue so badly where I felt bad when I wouldn't help someone or I was like, oh my God, what if this is going to happen if I don't listen and this and that.
[9:58]And it was so detrimental for my own mental health that I literally had to put up a boundary where I'm like, I can't take all of this because if you are going to tell me a story that traumatized you, that's literally traumatizing me because I really feel bad.
[10:13]Like I put myself in your shoes. I feel all these feelings. So I really had to think to myself, okay, when I have the space and the capability to talk to you about that, I will.
[10:24]But imagine you're just trying to have a good day and a person is constantly bringing up the same things.
[10:32]You can say like, hey, can we not talk about this today? Or can you maybe look for a therapist to talk about that?
[10:38]Don't allow people to talk down on you even in a joking way.
[10:43]Okay, people that think it's funny to bully someone, who is that funny to? To the bully, not to the person that is on the receiving end, okay?
[10:52]If someone is saying something that is offensive to you, I always say like, why would you say that?
[10:59]I genuinely try to understand why the person would say that because I want to know what is going on in their head that they think that this is normal thing to say to me?
[11:09]Or how did I give you even the room to come to me like that, to talk to me like that?
[11:15]You have to always think if this person was in a room with someone that they truly respected or looked up to, how would they talk to them?
[11:24]They wouldn't talk in the same manner. They wouldn't put them down.
[11:28]It's just when they think that you're beneath them or they don't respect you, that they feel comfortable talking to you like that.
[11:35]One time in my previous relationship, I had my ex say something very offensive to me and I told him, take your phone, call your mom right now, say the same thing to her.
[11:44]He was like, no, what the fuck? I was like, I'm going to call your mom for you. You're going to tell her the same thing you said to me. You're going to say that right now to her.
[11:51]Then he was like, no, no, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, blah, blah, blah. So you have to put these people in their place immediately.
[11:58]Make sure people respect your time.
[12:02]So I remember three years ago, I had made two friends and when I made these friends, we had hanged out before, it was all fine.
[12:12]Then there was one time where they had invited me to this restaurant place and I went there and I was on time.
[12:19]Now these girls showed up one and a half hour later and I sat there by myself waiting for them and I was calling them like, where are you guys?
[12:28]oh yeah, we're just like, they were literally flirting with guys. And that's why they were not coming.
[12:34]From that moment, what they did to me, I saw these people do not respect me or my time.
[12:41]I could have literally sat at home, worked on a new YouTube video. I could have done that, but I was waiting for them one and a half hours and I was waiting there alone and I don't feel comfortable sitting somewhere alone, waiting one and a half hour for someone.
[12:54]People always think that these things are so extreme and blah, blah, blah. But honestly, the truth is, I just love my own company.
[13:02]So if I am going to make the effort to meet up with you and be with you, when I really love being by myself, then you have to give me a better life than I have by myself.
[13:15]And if you cannot do that, if you don't make me happier than I am by myself, or you don't respect me as much as I respect myself, then what's the point of this?
[13:25]I'm not going to feel miserable, sit around people and feel miserable.
[13:28]I literally struggled growing up my whole life. Now I am an adult. I have freedom. I can choose who I surround myself with.
[13:35]I can choose who I am with. Why would I choose people that make me feel miserable?
[13:40]Why am I the one that needs to settle? Really, you have to ask yourself, out of all these people, 8 billion people on Earth, why did God choose you to struggle or you to settle?
[13:51]That doesn't make sense. That doesn't make sense. You are the one that is making yourself struggle because you think that you don't deserve that.
[14:00]You think that good things are not coming to you because you don't deserve that. That's not true.
[14:07]You deserve good people around you. If those people are not respecting you, are making you happy, if they leave, someone else that is making you happy will come.
[14:16]Always like, no, you shouldn't let go of people. No, there's no loyalty, blah, blah, blah. Where is your loyalty when you're abusing me, talking down on me, being disrespectful? Where's your loyalty?
[14:28]It's always the person that has to be on the receiving end of your bullshit that has to be loyal. That's so funny to me.
[14:35]Toxic people will blame you for your reaction, but never for the way they act.
[14:39]Say no to things that don't align with your values.
[14:44]Don't let people push you into sleeping with them. Don't let people push you into smoking, into drinking, into using substances.
[14:53]I know that happens a lot, especially with younger people, that they will shame you for that, but there is no shame in having those boundaries.
[15:03]You're actually really respecting yourself, when you know, these are my values in life. These are the things that I want to stick to.
[15:10]People that are on the same page will meet you. You will meet those people. You don't need to lower yourself and settle for people that push you into things that you don't want to do.
[15:20]Just because everyone is doing something doesn't mean that you have to do that as well.
[15:25]You can create your own path in life and have your own way of living. Don't just copy everyone else and be like, you know, I just need to fit in.
[15:33]It's really beautiful to stand out and it's really beautiful to not be able to fit in.
[15:39]Do not believe words over actions. I've, I've had this boundary very firm. I don't believe words at all.
[15:47]I've been brought up to not believe what people are saying. I look at people's actions. That's it.
[15:55]If you tell me you love me, but you treat me like shit, I'm going to believe that you don't love me and you treat me like shit because I'm seeing how you treat me.
[16:03]Stop using excuses for people and saying, but he said he was going to do this, but he said he was going to give me a promotion.
[16:11]Did they do anything? Did they do that? No.
[16:14]So why are you listening to what they said? If I was, let's say I was a toxic guy and I was dating girls, I would lie all day.
[16:22]I would be lying all day. I would be telling them everything they want to hear so that I can get what I want from them. That's so easy.
[16:30]Lying is so easy. Why would you believe someone without action confirming their words?
[16:37]If you commit a crime right now and you have to go to court, you think the judge is going to say, oh yeah, but she said she didn't do it. No, they're going to look at the evidence.
[16:46]They're going to look at what you did and then you will be punished for exactly what you did.
[16:50]You can say all day, I didn't do it. It doesn't matter. Stop letting people walk all over you, please, please.
[17:01]It's so much better to be regarded as a bitch, but people respect you than people literally constantly walking all over you and you coming home and feeling bad about yourself.
[17:13]Constantly. You're going to literally feel so insecure about yourself because you allow people to constantly degrade you.
[17:21]Why? Why? For their approval. You will never get their approval. Never.
[17:26]You can be the best person on Earth and they will still say that you're the worst person ever. Not everyone wants to like you.
[17:32]There is good people out there, yes, but there are also a lot of toxic people out there that you need to know how to act with.
[17:40]The funny part is when I say these things, I'm the toxic one, right? Online, like, oh, this is so toxic. Her advice is so toxic.
[17:47]No, I've dealt with a lot of toxic people and I've seen these people. You guys just like to abuse people.
[17:53]You like to use people. You don't want to hear no from anyone. You want to control them.
[17:58]And then when you're done and you completely made nothing of them, then you throw them away like they're nothing. You leave them with their trauma and that's it.
[18:06]Now they have to deal with that for the rest of their lives. No, I want to prevent that from happening.
[18:11]That's why I'm talking to people that are the victim of this. And you know, if this resonates with you, I'm talking to you. You know that I'm talking to you.
[18:19]Also, start small, but start somewhere. Okay, like I remember the way I started speaking up for myself was actually in a hair salon and stuff.
[18:27]When they would ask me like, hey, do you like your hair? I used to say, oh, yeah, it's nice. And I would feel so bad when I came home because I hated my hair or what they did.
[18:35]But now I literally say that I don't like it or no, I don't think it was great. Or I think you messed up my hair. I would say it. I still pay for the service.
[18:45]And but I'm just honest about it and that gives me the confidence to start voicing my opinion more and more.
[18:51]Also give people what they give you. Why are you going above and beyond? For what? For who?
[18:57]They don't do the same to you. They don't reciprocate any of that effort. No.
[19:02]You don't call, I don't call. You don't text, I don't text. Literally. You don't plan a date. I don't show up. Please, please come with me. Oh my God, no.
[19:13]Please be with me. I'm such an amazing person. What is that? What is that?
[19:18]I know some of you guys have said that. If someone can not see your value, they're never going to see your value.
[19:23]You don't have to beg for someone's approval. They'll never see it. And you cannot make them see it because they don't, they don't see that. That's it.
[19:30]I used to also be the person where I go above and beyond for people's birthdays and whatever. And I really put so much effort into doing that.
[19:38]And then I realized when it comes to my birthday, these same friends of mine wouldn't do the same thing for me at all.
[19:44]Like it was so disrespectful. And I felt so bad because I was like, I put so much effort into your birthday.
[19:51]You don't feel the same way about me. So I stopped doing that. Now I give them what they give me.
[19:57]Anyways, guys, I hope you learned something. And I hope you stop letting people walk all over you. I love you guys. And yeah, I'll see you in the next video. Bye bye.
