[0:00]So, my husband left me three months ago for his teenage secretary. However, the other night he came home for some clean underwear and a f-ck. Actually, just for the underwear. I threw with the f-ck for free. Anyhow, Lolita found out and, boy, was she steamed. She couldn't believe I'd have the nerve to sleep with my husband. She thought that was mean. And vindictive. And she has a point. After all, she has a teddy bear he won for her at Coney Island. All I've got is a wedding ring and two kids who called him "Daddy." Who cares if I was there first? This girl put a lot of work into luring him away. I mean, she had to - have a vagina. Pretty low bar. But pretty high vagina. She's tall. And dumb. I mean, she's pretty, but I'm pretty sure NASA doesn't have her on its short list for job openings. Anyhow, yesterday she drags her giant vagina into my work and starts yelling at me. And after a while, I start yelling back. And she's saying, "You stole him," and I'm saying, "I was there first." And she says, "I was there second," and I say, "That's a very immature argument," and she says, "Do you want to buy some Girl Scout cookies?" And I say, "No," and she says, "You're sure?" And I say, "Do you have vanilla creams?" And she says, "No," and I said, "You b-tch!" And everyone in the store is staring, and I'm starting to wonder, who's right here? I mean, was it really fair to lure Joel back with the promise of coherent conversation and unlimited clean jockey shorts? I just assumed I had that right. I really thought you find a guy, you give it up, you get married. Oh, no, wait. You get married, then you give it up. Get married, then give it up. I got to write that down. Anyhow, my point is, with the ring came the sex. Exclusive sex. Right? Something to count on. Something you know is yours. Like a social security number or a family history of insanity. But apparently, it's not. He left. She took him. Did I relinquish my rights when he walked out the door? Is that how it works? Now, did it always work that way and I just didn't read the fine print? What are the f-cking rules? I mean, not the f-cking rules, the f-cking rules. Who gets first "f-cking rights?" Is it first come, first serve? Hey. Finders keepers? Hey! Losers eventually go blind? How did you get in without paying? So, this is you, huh? What? That! You got her into this, right? Got her to go up there like that? Got her to stand up there and talk about our life? Hey, she says what she wants. Talk about me? She must just find you amusing. I know I find you completely ridiculous. You don't give a sh-t what you're doing. I'm not doing anything. You're breaking up a family! That's the mother of my children up there talking trash about me in front of a bunch of strangers. Well, you got to admit, it's better than her talking trash about you in front of a bunch of people you know. Are you happy? Are you happy that you've ruined my life? Hey, I didn't f-ck my secretary, that was you. You don't know anything about me. Oh, buddy, I know so much more than you think. Oh yeah? You are ripped right out of a bullsh-t male catalogue. King of the mansion, spoiled brat. Who do you go home to, huh? What do you know about having a family? Nothing! And thank God, 'cause if I had to go home to you, I'd set the house on fire. No, f-ck you, Sal Mineo! F-ck you, Sal Mineo! Get the hell away from me! Midge has a path now, a career. She's gonna be a star and you are just gonna be that guy sitting at some loser bar every night pointing to the television set saying, "I used to be married to her, but I f-cking blew it!" Wing it. And how come men seem to get a completely different set of rules to follow? Hey! Hey, go home and clean the kitchen! Oh, sir, I'm Jewish. I pay people to do that. Women aren't funny. Your wife must have a sense of humor. She's seen you naked. I'm sorry. I thought we were truth-telling. You're a dumb b-tch! Oh, who told you?
[4:00]What can I say? All the good men are taken, ladies.
[4:07]Now, where were we?
[4:13]Uptown or downtown, boys? Hey, a--hole! Oh, so you answer to a--hole, a--hole! What's your problem?
[4:23]Whoa, hey! Hey, what are you doing? Get off! Come on! What the hell are you doing? Hey, buddy, you're gonna kill him. Get out of here!
[4:35]Are you crazy? She's good. She's f-cking good! Hey, get out of here! Keep walking. She's good. She's good.
