[0:00]Hi loves, this vlog is a little bit different because I'm sitting here and talking to you all. Today I want to talk to you all about something very personal, something y'all have been asking me to open up about.
[0:13]And the reason I'm opening up about it is because most of y'all saying that I'm gatekeeping and which is totally not true. Before we start, I'm going to say one thing that in this video I'm going to mention about eating disorders.
[0:28]If you feel like this is something that's going to affect you or trigger you, please take care of yourself, and it's okay to skip this video.
[0:38]You can watch my other videos, however, this video is not meant to trigger anyone. I'm just sharing my story in case it will help anyone feel less alone in this. I'm just here to share my truth and my story and my personal experience.
[0:57]How did you lose weight? This is the question that I get asked so many times daily and y'all think I'm gatekeeping, but I promise you I'm not gatekeeping.
[1:10]So before we start the story, let's make an iced coffee first.
[2:07]Get ready with me while I tell you how I lost weight. This is the question that y'all have been asking the most. And today is finally the day that I'm going to answer this question.
[2:22]So, I used to be skinny before like almost 4 or 5 years ago. I have always been that way, skinny.
[2:32]But then life happened. I was going through a lot, a lot of depression and like a lot of things in my life. In one month, I gained 20 kilos. Yes.
[2:45]More than 20 kilos, I think I gained, and in just one month because the only thing I was doing in this month was eat. I ate so much that I gained 20 kilos. And that's another story why to that one, you know, why I was depressed, why I was going through something and what I was going through.
[3:10]But, like, going through whatever I was going through, and I gained a lot of weight, almost 20 kilos, and I carried this weight for almost three years, I think.
[3:22]But I was always going to the gym, so it wasn't like super unhealthy. I was always going to to the gym and working out.
[3:32]I'm using this Fenty Beauty Contour stick in shade Truffle 04. Anyways, I am not good at multitasking.
[3:41]So where were we? What I was saying was that I have always been a gym girl. Like before the gaining weight and after the gaining weight. I started to lose weight like by going to the gym every single day.
[4:02]Like I was waking up every day 5 in the morning and going to the gym before I was going to school. I was doing this like almost every day.
[4:11]Like from this 20 kilos, I lost 10 kilos of it to the gym. I was going to the gym every day, eating super healthy. I was sharing my journey with you all on TikTok that time. Like if you know me from TikTok, so you maybe know that I was going to the gym, I was eating healthy. And then again something happened in my life again that broke my heart, and no it's not about a man.
[4:43]Y'all know I don't usually sit like this and talk with y'all. So yeah, we're going to get there. I wasn't really happy with all the weight. When I realized that I'm overweight, you know, the worst thing was I didn't know I was overweight at that time when I was overweight. Like I was struggling but I didn't know that, you know,
[5:11]and I would only notice that when I was taking pictures, and that would be like the time that would hit me so hard. So anyways, and then I started not eating for a lot of days in a week and still I was struggling.
[5:26]And then I started overeating again. Again, I feel into the same cycle of overeating. I was eating so much that I couldn't breathe anymore to the point that I would just run to the toilet and throw up everything that I ate.
[5:44]And I don't know how I'm still alive today because this is super unhealthy and not good. Looking back and realizing like I was doing this for so long. I don't know how I'm still alive today.
[6:03]This is literally crazy. In the fact, I didn't know I was going through this. I was always saying, I have control. This is something I have control over, but it came to a point that I didn't even know what is control anymore because even water was too much for me to to drink, you know? Like I would feel like I gained 10 kilos by just drinking water. Like I was at that point.
[6:26]And this cycle continued for like almost a year. And the worst thing is that I always thought I have control. I realized I don't have control. If I didn't do that thing, I will feel horrible, and I would it wasn't possible to not do it at that point, you know? And I didn't even know what's control anymore.
[6:44]Horrible. I would not have any energy. I look horrible. I look really scary at that time. Like because like doing that every day, every day, every day, like and every week like for a year, it's like literally makes you look sick. You are actually sick. But I didn't realize that what I'm doing is actually not healthy or I couldn't stop doing it anymore.
[7:07]I just fell in this hole, and looking back, I believe that if you don't want to be saved, no one can help you be saved, you know? I will not say that I'm 100 percent better now because I'm not.
[7:19]After like talking to my therapist and like all that, it really helped to see clearly. Like and also like traveling actually helps me a lot to get myself on track because now I just, I eat one time a day. This is like literally my routine. I eat one time a day, just dinner, and I eat super healthy, and I don't eat a big portion.
[7:45]And this is not something I'm promoting, I'm just telling you. The only reason I'm sharing this now is that I'm not inspiring you all to do this. However, this video is just for information because you all want to know about my life.
[8:03]By the way, I use this Rare Beauty blush in shade Virtue. Virtue, I love this shade so much.
[8:13]This is how I apply my highlighter. Like after using my concealer and blush in these areas, you see where I applied it. And then of course, my Huda Beauty setting powder.
[8:43]To be honest, right now, I don't know what am I doing, and lately, I've been reading about something that when you have avoided your emotions so much, try to hide like forget about the pain, it literally weakens your memory. Like you can literally lose your memory, and I'm like that's actually crazy because I sometimes I don't even remember like very important things about my own life.
[9:11]This is not normal, but it is normal when you have like such a horrible past, I would say. So it's pretty normal.
[9:25]But off topic, today my alarm was ringing like for like literally like 10 minutes, and I could not wake up. I was so tired. And literally someone just called on the door and I got so scared. I opened the door like straight from bed and open the door. I thought that was the package guy. I thought that was package, and I open the door. It's the neighbor and saying, can you please turn off your alarm, mate?
[9:53]It's really annoying. That was so funny and I'm like, can you hear my alarm? He's like, yeah, and it's pretty annoying and I'm like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I think from now on, if I can't wake up, my neighbor will wake me up.
[10:08]You ever want to get ready, and you just don't know what you're doing? Because right now, I I don't know what am I doing. But one thing I realized right now that I was thinking maybe I should start making like content like where I talk, but today I'm realizing that I don't know if it's something for me.
[10:25]I hope I don't annoy you all today. I'm using this Kiko waterproof eyeliner, just a tiny. Yes, that's good.
[11:16]I'm going to be using my favorite setting spray from Charlotte Tilbury. I forgot to do my eyebrow. I'm going to use the Kiko Smart Color mascara. And I use this Valentino Beauty Blush in shade 04.
[11:57]Once again, this is not an inspirational video. I'm just sharing my story and my personal experience with y'all. When I was going through this, I was thinking that I was alone in this. I didn't hear anybody else talk about this that I know, you know?
[12:16]So I'm just sharing my real story with you all, and the fact that we may think that we have control, and we have it all like under our control, and we're doing this because we want something out of it. Like out of it, something is to become skinny. And it can come to a point that you don't even know what's control anymore, even though you keep telling yourself, I have control.
[12:43]I'm doing this because I'm doing it. But do you really have control? Can you stop doing what you're doing today? Can you do it? Ask yourself. Speaking to a therapist really helped me a lot to see things clearly. I was always telling myself, I'm okay. I have control and everything is fine. But looking back, I'm so grateful that I made it out of this cycle because like not eating for one entire week and eating then one time to just purge.
[13:20]It's like I don't even know how am I still how am I still alive, you know? And again, I'm sharing the story just so it can help you see things clearly that it's not okay.
[13:37]Yes, we may tell ourselves that it's okay, but it's not okay. What we're doing or what we have done is not okay. This can literally end really badly. It could have ended really badly for me, and I'm happy that I got help and I'm still trying.
[13:57]Don't take me wrong. I'm still trying to get better and take my full control back. I'm still working on it. And I'm not where I was a year ago, and I'm happy about that.
[14:12]And one thing about trying to lose weight in healthy or in unhealthy way, it's like you will never be satisfied. I lost 20 kilos. Do you think I'm satisfied? I'm never satisfied. You will never be satisfied. Thinking that you are not enough, that how you look is not enough,
[14:40]until you free yourself from your from here, you will never be free, you will never be satisfied. I'm still learning. It's going to take its time. Healing takes time, and some days are better. I feel strong. I feel better. I feel like I'm skinny enough. But the other days, it's going to still be hard.
[15:00]And especially if you're somebody on social media when there are eyes on you, expectation from you, and like specific opinions from people, it can be really hard.
[15:13]But again, I'm grateful that I'm here today and I'm still trying to have balance, to have good routines that keep maintain my my weight and the way I look. And I know maintaining that lost weight can be really hard. So for now, for example, I eat only one meal a day.
[15:39]And I know this can also be a little bit sensitive for some people, but if this is something that works for your body, why not, you know? I eat one time a day, but I eat really well. I prioritize my proteins and all everything that my body needs. I can take it one time a day and one meal, you know, this is how I control myself.
[16:05]And honestly, I'm proud of myself for being able to do that because as I told you that I used to eat on one time a week. And now this is actually like progress for me, you know, little by little. And this actually helps me maintain my weight for for now because I also had the surgery, you know, like and that surgery is not about weight loss.
[16:30]I didn't lose weight through the surgery. It was something else. It was my legs, you know, that probably I will talk about one day, but it's not because of that now, it's two different cases. So what I was saying is that right, I couldn't go to the gym because I had surgery on my legs. And that's why I try to like eat one portion a day and eat well and take my proteins and everything that my body needs. Yeah.
[17:04]If you are struggling, just know that you are not alone. I'm not alone, we're not alone. We can hold each other's hands in this and just be there for each other. And if you know somebody's going through this, or if you are going through this, just know that there is help. You can talk to you don't even need to talk to therapist.
[17:32]Yeah, it's good if you talk to therapist, but talk to even just a friend or somebody you can trust. It will open your eyes and your head when you talk about something and you hear yourself, you learn also about yourself and what you're talking about.
[17:50]Sometimes we have something in our head and we didn't talked about it loud, and it's just voices in our head now, and when you talk loud about it, you realize, oh, I'm doing this. Oh, like you realize things about your own head and about your own self with this video. I never want to harm anyone or trigger anyone.
[18:19]I'm just sharing my story with you all to connect with you all and to let you know that you are not alone. Thank you so much for being here, for supporting me, and I know some of y'all may have already had idea of what was happening and always supporting me and being there for me.
[18:41]Honestly, I appreciate y'all so much. So thank you for being here. I want to say one last thing that losing weight can really become addictive, obsessive. You become literally obsessed with like your life is literally about being skinny and losing weight.
[19:00]It can come to that point sometimes even without you realizing it. What's happening, you know, you don't even realize what you're doing. Like I didn't even realize what I have been doing. Like the gaining weight and the losing weight. I I didn't realize what I was doing, you know? I didn't have awareness of my own self.
[19:20]Sometimes you really believe really believe it that you have control. You're doing something because you have control. But in reality, do you have control? I didn't have control, and I didn't know that. That's exactly why it's so important to talk to someone. As I just mentioned, you know, when you talk loud about something, you realize it. You hear yourself, and speaking can really make you see things differently.
[19:52]So, it's really important. Please, please, please talk to someone. Just talk to your best friend about it, you know? I've done this for so long now. It's really tiring. I know. It's so tiring. Like this continuing this cycle and going through this when you have no energy and no motivation.
[20:11]You literally fall into more depression, you know, like you just fall into that hole, and you don't see a light anymore. Like it comes to this point. I was at this point, and then I realized like, until when, really talking with therapist, really help. Please talk with someone. And again, this video is not meant to trigger anyone or to promote anything. I'm just sharing my story so you if you are going through something similar, you don't feel alone.
[20:41]Anyways, thank you so much for being here, and for listening to me. And literally, feel like you all are holding my hand while I tell you the story. So thank you for that. I appreciate you all so much. And also one thing, let me know what kind of content, what would you like to see more from me? Do you want me to talk or is it like really annoying? Because you know, English is my fourth language. So, and I learned it by myself without any help. So, can you understand me what I'm saying?
