Why kindness is an essential leadership competency | Robin Young | TEDxOshawa

[0:11]Can everyone please take out your phones? Take out your phones and I'd like you to open up Google. Now, I'd like you to type in the start of the question: Why is my boss? And let's see what kind of suggestions we get. So, aside from the very scandalous things, you're going to see things like, why is my boss so mean to me? Why is my boss suddenly micromanaging me? I think there's also, why is my boss having my baby, but again, we'll leave that aside. I mean, it's interesting, isn't it? These are the things that we Google, the things that we think about when we're not getting what we need from our leaders. So big question, what is it we need from our leaders? Or in other words, what makes a leader great? Now, I've been in the business of training new and existing leaders for the last number of years, and when I ask leaders that question, I typically hear answers like great leaders drive results. And great leaders get their teams to achieve their targets. But when I ask their team members the same question, I actually get very different answers. I hear great leaders are empathetic, and great leaders listen. So there's a big disconnect here in many cases between leaders and those that they lead, in how they define great leadership. I think we can all agree that leaders are here to lead people to achieve results. That much is true. But what we do is we link these things together so tightly, leadership and results, that we'll often achieve those results at any cost. Without necessarily thinking about the impact that was made on the individuals and the teams that helped you as the leader achieve those targets. And I'm willing to bet no leader started their career with a success at any cost mindset. Leaders are just people, but it's easy for leaders to forget the warm and compassionate traits of leadership and start pushing the same high stress agenda as other leaders that came before them. And why? Well, it's because we will always reward achieving results. But we rarely, if ever, reward treating people with kindness. Now, what even is kindness? I mean, there are many ways to define being kind, but my personal definition is, well, just being a good person, right? Wanting to help, being considerate. And this really leads me to the core of what I want to share with you today. Leadership is often framed around key competencies like driving strategy and navigating ambiguity and change. But kindness is a crucial leadership competency that is frequently overlooked. I'll show you what I mean. Close your eyes for a second. Close your eyes and think about a time that a leader was unkind to you. Now, a leader in this case could be a manager, could be a parent, could be a sports coach. But with your eyes closed, think about how that moment made you feel. You can open your eyes now. It's powerful. One unkind act might have changed the course of your day, your week, your year, your life. That is the ripple effect of unkindness. It's immediate, and it spreads. And this unkindness is common in corporate culture, and why? Well, because when we think about success, we ask two questions. Did we get the job done and did we get our teams to achieve their goals? But we should also be asking two other questions, which are, how did we get it done and at what cost? And this is the problem I'm willing to bet almost everyone in the room has experienced. I mean, we promote people based on their ability to drive results, but that on its own has the potential to lead to toxic leadership. And with a show of hands, who here has had a toxic leader in their career? Hold them up. Look around the room. What does that tell you? Well, it should tell you that toxic leaders are everywhere. In every organization. And why? Because we aren't considering kindness as one of our leadership competencies. Think about this: kindness creates a culture of trust, of collaboration, of support. And when people feel these things, they are more likely to give their best work, and that is how the ripple effect of kindness directly impacts productivity. There's probably a few of you thinking, okay, you know what, that sounds great, but if I'm too kind, will I be seen as weak? Will I be taken seriously? There is a common misconception that being kind and being professional are at odds with each other. People often equate professionalism with being firm and resolute, where kindness on the other hand is seen as emotional and soft. The reality is, folks, that kindness is professionalism. It doesn't mean avoiding the hard conversations, it just means approaching those conversations with empathy, with respect, and a genuine desire to help others grow. But if kindness is so great, I mean, why are we not recognizing and celebrating it? You see, in corporate culture, we have many ways to recognize and celebrate results. And we link results to promotions and and bonuses and succession. But if we want to redefine great leadership, we have to start recognizing and celebrating kindness too. Ultimately, we have to put kindness on the same pedestal as performance. There are no targets for kindness. There's no metrics. But if we set the targets, if we create programs of recognition for kindness, then we'll have something to achieve and we'll achieve it, and that is how we make kindness a priority in corporate culture. But, you know what, maybe that's too broad. Maybe that's the end goal. I'm sure we can all think about a time where we wanted to change something really big, really quickly, we hit roadblocks and then the dream died. Sidebar, I had a leader once, a manager named Laura, fantastic manager. Anyway, there was one time that Laura saw me getting frustrated by the big things that I couldn't change quickly. And so she gave me a gift and I brought it. It's right over here. See, some of you might remember back in the day, grandmothers across the world used to decorate their homes, every wall, with plates. Always for decoration, never for eating. I'm fairly certain the paint was toxic anyway. If you know, you know, right? Anyway, Laura gave me one of these plates with a solid piece of advice on it to follow when I'm frustrated by the things that I can't change. And while you can't see it, this is the plate and I'll read it to you. In Laura's words, when you're frustrated by the things you can't change, swearing might help. And it can help in that swearing can be freaking therapeutic, but it doesn't drive change. We can drive change, but it actually starts with each of us creating a small ripple effect now. So, what I want to leave you with, as a leader, the next time you are frustrated, you're going to follow a three step process. Step one, pause. Step two, take a breath. And step three, choose kindness. This is a simple three step mental script for you to follow that addresses the hardest part of being kind, and it's being kind when you are stressed and under pressure. If every leader focused on this small act, kindness wouldn't just become a priority. It would become second nature. And by the way, as I was so gently reminded by my lovely wife just a little while ago, it works in personal relationships too. So, when you think about the leader that you want to be, and you read all about leadership competency profiles and the skills that you need to acquire to be that great leader, remember the leadership competency of kindness. You don't have to choose between driving results and being kind. They actually go really well together, but we would all be in a better place if we remembered to be kind. Thank you.