[0:01]Uh thanks guys. Listen, I don't want to brag or anything, but uh me and Oprah are making the same money tonight.
[0:12]But uh the show is loosened up considerably, I noticed. I was watching Oprah and uh Dave talking about weed and booze and I've never, I don't do either of those. The hardest drug I ever did, LSD. And uh I remember as a kid, I was like 16, and I remember they told warned me, they said, hey, you got to be careful with that LSD. On account of you can get a flashback, 10 years can go by, 20 years, 30 years, and a flashback will happen. So I thought, hey, that seems like a good deal. You tell me I buy a drug for five dollars, I eat it, I get high and then 20 years later I get high again?
[1:04]That's not the point. I like to stretch my drug dollar. The point is this: 10 years have passed, 20 years have passed, 30 years have passed, and no flashbacks. What a gyp that turned out to be. Just more horseshit by the big acid companies, that's all it is.
[1:30]But I can't believe it's been a quarter century since I made my television debut. It's all different back, man. You know, it was back then, I remember if you wanted to take a picture, you would use a camera. Not a telephone. As a matter of fact, if you used the telephone, people would look at you odd. Give me like.
[2:00]Just stay still like.
[2:04]What about in the old days when they took pictures of you way, way back? You know where they pulled that thing and it exploded and stuff? I got a picture of my great-grandfather. The thing took six hours. Take your picture. And uh it was a picture of my great-grandfather, one. They only had every guy had one picture back then. And it's just him like, I got to get back to feed them hogs.
[2:38]Who's gonna feed the hogs?
[2:43]Somebody got to feed them hogs. Now, in the future, of course, it'll be different. 50 years from now, people will be going like, hey, you want to uh see 100,000 pictures of my great-grandfather?
[3:03]I got him right here, plus everything he did every day of his life. Hey, this occurred to me today. Uh, ID, ID, which I had to show the guy, "And there is a strange abbreviation when you think about it. I is short for I. And then D is short for dentification.
[3:36]They could have split that one up a little better, you know? But I watch TV, I watch the news, make you afraid the news, you know? Put all these stories on, Iraq, Iran, North Korea, you know, try to scare you, you know? But does it ever really scare you? Like, you ever wake up in the middle of the night, ah, North Korea. That little tiny country across the ocean. I wonder if they'll get me.
[4:09]Plus, didn't Mash settle that like 20 years ago? Why do I have to watch that stupid show? There is one country that worries me though. Not Iraq, not Iran, not North Korea. The only country that really worries me is uh the country of Germany. I don't know if you guys are history buffs or not, but uh In the early uh part of the previous century, Germany decided to go to war. And uh who did they go to war with? The world.
[4:50]That had never been tried before. And uh, so you figure that would take about five seconds for the world to win, but uh no, it was actually close. Then about, then about 30 years passed, and uh Germany decides again to go to war. And again it chooses as its enemy, the world.
[5:21]And this time they have that guy, Shanky clanky, that guy. And I'm not even gonna dignify him by saying his name, but I think you know who I'm talking about. But you think at that point, the world will go, listen, Germany. Here's the deal, you don't gotta be a country no more, on account of you keep attacking the world. What do you think, you're Mars or something? Anyways, listen, folks, this will be my last time I'm on uh the David Letterman Show. I understand. And you know you know, you guys, we all know that David Letterman was the greatest talk show host who ever lived. But I.
[6:26]I remember Dave differently, because the first time I saw him, I was 13 years old.
[6:39]I was living in Toronto, Canada, and I went to a talk show they had there. And uh David Letterman was the stand-up comedian on the show. And uh I loved stand-up. And David Letterman did this joke that I told everybody this joke. I loved this joke. It's still uh stays with me as my favorite stand-up joke ever. So I'd like to do it for you if you'd like to hear it. He goes, um, I uh I was on the street the other day and uh I uh I saw a garbage truck and on the back of the garbage truck, there was a small sign that said, please do not follow too closely. Another of life's simple pleasures, ruined by meddling bureaucracy, ladies and gentlemen. You remember the old days when, when Dad would pile the kids in the station wagon and we'd all go out and follow a garbage truck? So anyways, I just like to say, I know that uh Mr. Letterman is uh uh not for the mockish, and uh he has uh he has no truck for the sentimental, but if something is true it is not sentimental, and I say in truth, I love you. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Very funny, Norm, and thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you, Norm Macdonald, ladies and gentlemen. That was very sweet, Norm. Thank you. Good night, everybody.
