[0:02]Chapter 5, The Secret Methods. All the best ways of poaching peasants were discovered by my old dad, my father said. My old dad studied poaching the way a scientist studies science.
[0:13]My father put my sandwiches on a plate and brought them over to the bunk. I put the plate on my lap and started eating. I was ravenous. Do you know my old dad actually used to keep a flock of prime roosters in the backyard just to practice on?
[0:26]My father said, A rooster is very much like a peasant, you see. They are equally stupid and they like the same sorts of food. A rooster is tamer, that's all.
[0:35]So whenever my dad thought up a new method of catching peasants, he tried it out on a rooster first to see if it worked. What are the best ways, I asked?
[0:45]My father laid a half-eaten sandwich on the edge of the sink and gazed at me in the silence for about 20 seconds. Promise you won't tell another soul? I promise.
[0:54]Now here's the thing, he said, Here's the first big secret. Ah, but it's more than a secret, Danny.
[1:00]It's the most important discovery in the whole history of poaching. He edged a shade closer to me. His face was pale in the pale yellow glow from the lamp in the ceiling, but his eyes were shining like stars.
[1:16]So here it is, he said, and now suddenly his voice became soft and whispery and very private. Peassants, he whispered, are crazy about raisins.
[1:27]Is that the big secret? That's it, he said. It may not sound very much when I say it like that, but believe me it is.
[1:38]Raisins? I said. Just ordinary raisins.
[1:44]It's like a mania with them. You throw a few raisins into a bunch of peasants and they'll start fighting each other to get at them. My dad discovered that 40 years ago just as he discovered these other two things I'm about to describe to you.
[1:57]My father paused and glanced over his shoulder as though to make sure there was nobody at the door of the caravan listening. Method number one, he said softly, is known as the horse hair stopper.
[2:10]The horse hair stopper, I murmured, That's it, my father said. And the reason it's such a brilliant method is that it's completely silent. There's no squaking or flapping around or anything else with the with the horse hair stopper when the feasant is caught.
[2:26]And that's mighty important because don't forget, Danny, when you're up in the woods at night and the great trees are spreading their branches high above you like black ghosts, it is so silent, you can hear a mouse moving.
[2:37]And somewhere among it all, the keepers are waiting and listening. They're always there, those keepers, standing stony still against a tree or behind a bush with their guns at the ready.
[2:50]What happens with the horse hair stopper, I asked, How does it work? It's very simple, he said.
[2:58]First you take a few raisins and you soak them in water overnight to make them plump and soft and juicy. Then you get a bit of good stiff horse hair and you cut it up into half inch lengths.
[3:09]Horse hair, I said. Where do you get horse hair?
[3:15]You pull it out of a horse's tail, of course. That's not difficult as long as you stand to one side when you're going to get it, when you're doing it so that you don't get kicked. Go on, I said.
[3:25]So you cut the horse hair into half inch lengths. Then you push one of these lengths through the middle of a raisin, so there's just one tiny bit of horse hair sticking out on each side.
[3:37]That's all you do? That oh, that's all you do. You are now ready to catch a peasant.
[3:44]If you want to catch more than one, you prepare more raisins. Then when evening comes, you creep up into the woods making sure you get there before the peasants have gone up into the trees to roost.
[3:57]Then you scatter the raisins, and soon, along comes a feasant and gobbles it up.
[4:03]What happens then? I asked. Here's what my dad discovered, he said. First of all, the horse hair makes the raisins stick in the feasant's throat. It doesn't hurt him.
[4:14]It simply stays there and tickles. It's rather like having a crumb stuck in your own throat. But after that, believe it or not, the feasant never moves his feet again.
[4:24]He becomes absolutely rooted to the spot and there he stands, pumping his silly neck up and down, just like a piston. And all you've got to do is nip out quickly from the place where you've been hiding and pick him up.
[4:40]Is that really true, Dad? I swear it, my father said.
[4:44]Once a feasant had the horse hair stopper, you can turn a horse pipe on him and he won't move. It's just one of those unexplainable little things, but it takes a genius to discover it.
[4:57]My father paused and there was a gleam of pride in his eyes as he dwelt for a moment upon the memory of his own dad, the great poaching inventor.
[5:07]So that's method number one. So that's method number one, he said. What's number two, I asked.
[5:14]Ah, he said, Number two's a real beauty. It's a flash of pure brilliance. I can even remember the day it was invented.
[5:23]I was just about the same age as you are now, and it was Sunday morning and my dad comes into the kitchen holding a huge white rooster in his hands. I think I've got it, he says.
[5:35]There's a little smile on his face and a shine of glory in his eyes, and he comes in very soft and quick and puts the bird down right in the middle of the kitchen table. By golly, he says, I've got a good one this time.
[5:46]A good what? Mom's mom says, looking up from the sink, Horse, take that filthy bird off my table.
[5:54]The rooster has a funny little paper hat over its head, like an ice cream cone upside down. And my dad is pointing to it proudly and saying, stroke him.
[6:04]Go on, stroke him. Do anything you like to him, he won't move an inch. The rooster starts scratching away at the paper head with one of his feet, but the hat seems to be stuck on it and it won't come off.
[6:17]No bird in the world is going to run away once you cover up its eyes. My dad says, and he starts poking the rooster with his finger and pushing it around on the table. The rooster doesn't take the slightest bit of notice.
[6:28]You can have this one, he says to mum, you can have it and ring its neck and dish it up for dinner as a celebration of what I have just invented.
[6:36]And then straight away, he takes me by the arm and marches me quickly out of the door and off we go over into the fields and up into the big forest the other side of Little Hampton, which used to be belonged to the Duke of Buckingham.
[6:50]And in less than two hours, we get five lovely fat peasants with no more trouble than it takes to go out and buy them in a shop.
[6:58]My father paused for a breath. His eyes were shining. Bright as they gazed into my his eyes were shining bright as they gazed back into the wonderful world of his youth.
[7:09]But dad, I said, how do you get the paper hats over the peasant's heads? You'd never guess it, Danny.
[7:16]Tell me, listen carefully, he said, glancing again over his shoulders as though he expected to see a keeper or even the Duke of Buckingham himself at the caravan door. Here's how you do it.
[7:28]First of all, you dig a little hole in the ground. Then you twist a piece of paper into the shape of a cone and you fit it into this hole, hollow end up, like a cup.
[7:38]Then you smear the inside of the paper cup with glue and drop in a few raisins. At the same time, you lay a trail of raisins along the ground, leading up to it.
[7:50]Now the old feasant comes pecking along the trail, and when he gets to the hole, he pops his head inside to gobble up the raisins, and the next thing you know, he's got a paper head stuck over his eyes, and he can't see a thing.
[8:02]Isn't that a fantastic idea, Danny? My dad called it the sticky hat. Is that the one you use this evening, I asked?
[8:11]My father nodded. How many did you get, dad? Well, he said looking a bit sheepish, Actually, I didn't get any.
[8:20]I arrived too late. By the time I got there, they were already going up to roost. That shows you how out of practice I am.
[8:28]Was it fun all the same? Marvelous, he said. Absolutely marvelous. Just like the old days.
[8:35]He undressed and put on his pajamas. Then he turned out the lamp and in the ceiling and climbed into his bunk. Dad, I whispered. What is it?
[8:44]Have you been have you been doing this often after I've gone to sleep without me even knowing it? No, he said. Tonight was the first time for nine years.
[8:54]When your mother died, and I had to look after you all by myself, I made a vow to give up poaching until you were old enough to be left alone at nights. But this evening, I broke my vow.
[9:07]I had such a tremendous longing to go up into the woods again. I just couldn't stop myself. I'm very sorry I did.
[9:10]If you ever want to go again, if you ever want to go again, I won't mind, I said. Do you mean that, he said, his voice rising in excitement. Do you really mean it?
[9:20]Yes, yes, I said. So long as you tell me beforehand, you will tell me you will promise to tell me beforehand if you're going, won't you?
[9:30]You're quite sure you won't mind? Quite sure. Good boy, he said. And we'll have roast peasant for supper whenever you want it.
[9:40]It's miles better than chicken. And one day, Dad, will you take me with you?
[9:46]Ah, he said. I reckon you're just a bit young to be dodging around up there in the dark. I wouldn't want you to get peppered with buckshot in the backside at your age.
[9:57]Your dad took you at my age, I said. There was a short silence. Well, we'll see how it goes, my father said.
[10:04]But I'd like to get back into the practice before I make any promises. You understand? Yes, I said. I wouldn't want you to take I wouldn't want to take you with me until I'm right back in my old form. No, I said.
[10:18]Good night, Danny. Go to sleep now. Good night, dad.
