[0:00]Newsflash, men are sexual beings. That's just a biological fact. You can't separate a man from his sexuality anymore than you can separate him from his heartbeat. It's not something he chose, and it's not something he can switch off, which means that for a man a sexless marriage isn't just a minor disappointment. He can't leave without losing everything he loves. He can't stay and be whole, and he can't go elsewhere without a shitstorm of pain and destruction. So, he's trapped. We know what happens to animals in captivity when they're prevented from expressing their natural behaviors. They deteriorate. Men, being living creatures themselves, are no different. Sexless marriages are a form of captivity, and multiple studies reveal exactly what happens physiologically to men deprived of sex in monogamy. Sexless marriages are linked to depression and anxiety, elevated stress hormones, cardiovascular disease, a weakened immune system, and a significantly higher risk of early death. So, you know, nothing trivial. But today, I want to explore why. Why does the absence of something many people seem perfectly fine without cause such profound suffering in men? I'm Laura How, a relationship therapist specializing in sexless and low intimacy marriages. I've spent years trying to understand why they hurt so much, and in this video, I'm sharing what I've learned. First, a quick disclaimer. Nothing in this video argues for sex without full, genuine enthusiasm, and it isn't intended as a tool to pressure or coerce anyone. The biology I'm describing is real for any man in a sexless marriage, but the solution must always involve trust, safety, and mutual desire. Okay, stick with me to the end on this one, because I'm going to explain each layer and then tie it all together at the end to give you the full picture. So, let's start with the body and what touch deprivation, which is what this really is, does physiologically. The skin hunger.
[2:15]Touch deprivation is the term researchers use for what happens when human beings are chronically deprived of affectionate touch. You might have heard it called skin hunger. It's a documented physiological phenomenon studied seriously for decades. Dr. Tiffany Field at the Touch Research Institute has demonstrated this clearly. Without regular affectionate touch, cortisol levels rise, while oxytocin and serotonin decline, resulting in measurably higher anxiety, depression, and chronic stress. We first observed this in premature infants. Babies held skin-to-skin in the NICU, develop faster and leave hospital sooner.
[2:59]Nobody argues that babies need touch. We just accept it as fact. That same biology doesn't switch off at 18 or 50. After years of touch deprivation, I hear men say the same thing. I don't even need it to be sexual anymore. I just want her to put her hand on my shoulder, something, anything. That's not a man asking for meaningless sexual gratification. That's a man describing chronic emotional pain. But the need for touch and sexual closeness goes beyond the physical, it's neurological. The attachment system. Psychologist John Bowlby established that humans are wired for attachment, and subsequent research has shown that need continues across the entire lifespan from the cradle to the grave. In committed relationships, this attachment is most powerfully expressed through physical and sexual intimacy. For most men, sex isn't primarily about physical release. It's about feeling accepted, valued, and chosen. So prolonged sexual rejection destabilizes his sense of emotional security. When that connection is chronically absent, men experience a persistent, low-level agitation, a sense that something is fundamentally wrong. It's their attachment system sending a very clear signal, you are not wanted. I've heard countless women dismiss their husband's needs as childish or trivial, rather than recognizing legitimate suffering, they say things like, You're a man, you can handle it, or roll their eyes and tell him to take a cold shower. The truth is, and many women genuinely don't realize this, they're hurting their men. And so, over time, many of them simply stop trying and withdraw. They become less present, less generous, and more irritable, and so she pulls further away, which makes everything worse, a vicious cycle is born that neither of them knows how to break. Next, we come to the reality of living like this day-to-day. The prolonged torture. Being alone is painful, but living with someone who doesn't want you is worse. Decades of loneliness research show that the most damaging form of loneliness is relational loneliness. The isolation of being in a relationship where you don't feel loved. When you're alone, you know why you feel lonely. When you're lying next to someone who doesn't want you, the person you love the most, the sense of rejection is devastating. A man in a sexless marriage is living with a woman he's sexually attracted to. He sees her naked, he lies next to her in bed, he remembers how they used to be. Her proximity activates the exact neurological systems and primal urges that intimacy would normally satisfy. Yet night after night, he's turned away. The gap between them might as well be a thousand miles. The message he receives is loud and clear. I don't want you. Your needs are not my problem. Leave me alone. This is literally psychological torture. In fact, many men tell me they'd rather be alone because at least then nobody's actively communicating that they don't matter every single day. Over time, the damage turns inward until it becomes an existential crisis. The destruction of self. The word libido comes from Latin. It means desire. But more than that, it means lust for life, the drive toward vitality, creativity, and connection. You can't disconnect a man from his sexuality without disconnecting him from his vitality. The cruel irony is that when that same desire becomes a source of constant suffering, his sex drive becomes a curse. I've heard countless men say they're desperate for a pill to switch it off. And of course, pills that suppress desire do exist. Antidepressants, opiates, benzos. They work, but they don't just switch off the sexual drive, they switch off the rest of him with it. Most men don't give up. They keep showing up. For the marriage, the kids, for work. They suggest therapy, try harder, do more, but they're compromised and exhausted. Why anyone would knowingly hobble their spouse in this way is beyond me. For others, it's just too much. When they conclude they have no control over something this vital in their lives, they enter a state psychologists call learned helplessness. They stop hoping for change, they stop engaging emotionally. They switch to autopilot, just going through the motions, but they're not truly living. When sex dies, so too does the marriage, and to a greater or lesser degree, so does the man. That's what we're talking about here, the unraveling of a man. But there's one final layer we need to discuss, a cultural one. The enforced silence. On top of everything I've described, he's suffering inside a culture that offers him no permission to speak. He's told that expressing desire is pressure, that voicing frustration is coercion, that wanting his wife is somehow unreasonable. He goes to therapy and is told to do more, be more present, try harder, and he does, and nothing changes. The phrase, Is that all you think about is deployed like a weapon, and he learns quickly, there's no acceptable way to express what he's feeling. So to keep the peace, he pretends to be okay. Year after year, every outlet closed, not just physically, but culturally and emotionally too. Psychologist James Penbaker showed that chronic emotional suppression is itself physiologically costly. It elevates stress hormones, weakens immune function, and compounds psychological distress. And psychologist Daniel Wegner showed that when people are prohibited from expressing a feeling, it doesn't diminish. It intensifies, sometimes to the point of obsession. This is why, when sex is present in a marriage, it takes up a fraction of its emotional energy. But when it's absent, it dominates everything. Its absence becomes all there is. It's the attachment system screaming, do something about this. We've spent years telling men their mental health problems come from not talking. And yet, here's a man with a profound, documented, legitimate source of suffering, and when he tries to talk about it, he's shut down from all angles. What a thing to do to a person. So here's how it all ties together. A man in a sexless marriage isn't just going without a luxury like a new car or holiday.
[10:27]Every corner of his inner world is at war with itself. His attachment system bonds him to a woman who signals she doesn't want him. Her proximity activates natural urges that won't be satisfied. His masculine energy is a source of constant pain from which there's no relief, and his emotional state is one he isn't allowed to express without punishment. Evolution didn't give him the equipment to handle this kind of torment. This is why we see the heart disease, the depression, the weakened immune function, the shorter life, it's despair. And research consistently shows that despair drives exactly these outcomes. I've had 30,000 comments on this channel, and this one is the most liked of all time. Sexless marriages don't hurt men, they destroy us completely. So you tell me, is he being hyperbolic or do you think maybe he has a point? If anything in this video has resonated and you'd like to talk to someone, I have an excellent masculinity therapist on my team called Zach. He works with men on exactly these issues and teaches them how to face them with courage. I'll link to his booking page below. Also, let me know in the comments if you've experienced any of these feelings yourself. If you enjoy these kinds of conversations, please do subscribe. It really makes a difference and it's how the channel grows so I can reach more people. If you enjoyed this video, you might also enjoy this one where I discuss what to do in a sexless marriage when you've tried everything and nothing changes. I'll see you next week. In the meantime, do yourself and to others, tell the truth.
