[0:00]What I'm about to share with you in this video might be quite uncomfortable to hear. And it's that the nicest, most lovable, agreeable man in the room is the most unsafe man in the room. And I'm going to share with you exactly why that is. This is the nice guy. You say yes when you actually mean no. You struggle speaking your truth and owning your truth and even knowing what it is that you need. And struggling to really stand for something because it's more important to be loved and liked and accepted than to speak your truth. So you bend and you shape and you mold yourself into whoever it is that you need to be to be accepted, to be loved and to have people stay in your life. There is a huge difference between being a nice guy, the most lovable, agreeable guy, and being a safe, good man who can actually stand for something. If you don't know who I am, my name's Ryan Mosby White and I've helped thousands of men heal the boy and step into their power as the man. Where they're no longer being the nice guy in their life and playing small. And the reason why I'm so passionate about this work and sharing this with you is because there's a depth that is missing in the personal development industry and in men's work. Around how to actually heal from this, heal from being the nice guy. I spent years trying to do this in a work. And I spent years learning about it and understanding it, yet nothing actually shifted for me because what I'm about to share with you today is how we actually create change. Is how we actually heal from being the wounded boy and step into our power as men and leaders in the world. You can try and change the behavior, but if you haven't worked with the root, it's a matter of time before you go back to the behaviors of being the nice guy in relationships. So today I'm going to be sharing with you the root and the depth of how we actually create lasting change.
[2:06]How we create a shift within the nervous system, so your nervous system's blueprint is that of the man who is grounded and anchored in his power, not the nice guy. Men who identify with being the nice guy are actually unattractive to women. And how I've seen this play out with a lot of men is they are great at what they do in the world. They have a level of success or they've done well in their field of work. Maybe they've become a high-performing athlete or, you know, they've made a lot of money or, you know, they're the best person in their community because this survival strategy has benefited them so much. Because beneath all of it is the little boy who just wants to be seen, heard, validated and accepted in the world. So these men become so driven from this wound, where they be and become whoever they need to be in the world to receive this level of validation. And that might work when it comes to building a business or, you know, succeeding in your field of domain of whatever that is, but it will not work in relationship and it never does. So I've worked with so many men who have been operating from this wounded boy in the world. But when they get into relationship, there's no hiding. There's no hiding when a woman is there as a mirror to reflect back the deepest pain that you've been running from your entire life as a man. And if you don't see this pattern, it will cost you everything. It will be a matter of time before she leaves you from how alone she feels in a relationship with a man who has completely abandoned himself where he doesn't actually have the capacity to meet her in relationship. Or maybe you'll struggle to attract a healthy relationship with a mature woman because when you're operating from this wound or from this boy and being this nice guy, that's just not attractive to a woman who wants a man who's in his power. Or worst case scenario, she stays and just puts up with a man who's not in his power and loses respect for you over time and intimacy just starts to die and erode over time and this real sense of excitement and joy and fulfillment in relationship just isn't there because there's no polarity or sexual attraction because she doesn't actually respect you as a man. So some real common ways that the nice guy shows up in relationship is a man will neglect and abandon his needs, his hobbies, his friends. He stops doing the things that he once did that made him happy and that allowed him to feel connected to himself. And he maybe gets into a relationship and he starts neglecting his goals. He starts putting his maybe physical uh training to the side.
[5:27]And he starts prioritizing connection with his partner, with a woman over what it is that he needs to be connected to himself because connection with his partner is more important to him because he's finally got this relationship where he can get his wounded needs met. So this deep fear of losing this woman and this relationship and this attachment figure, this sole source of attachment where he gets most of his love and connection from, he would do everything to avoid losing that.
[5:58]So in the process, he loses himself instead. This is a survival strategy that you've developed from childhood. And most men are walking through life today as grown adult boys because they haven't actually healed the boy and separated from the boy and stepped into the consciousness and maturity of the man. And the thing that breaks my heart the most about the nice guy is that he will give the entire world and he wants to give and provide the entire world to the people that he loves more than anything. And in doing so, he loses himself in the process when he means well. When he's doing it from the the deepest, most loving intention. But unconsciously, it's actually coming from the little boy thinking that if I give you everything, you will then give me what I didn't have in my childhood and fulfill the void of what was missing, which is the love and the validation of what I needed as a boy to know that who I am is enough and lovable. So let's get right into it. I'm going to break down the four key archetypes of the nice guy. And this can maybe help paint the picture of where and how you maybe see yourself in these archetypes and how it shows up in your life. And then I'm going to bring it down into the roots from which where it actually originates from, so you can have a deeper understanding as to what's causing you to be one of these four archetypes. The first archetype of the nice guy is the pleaser. Now, this is the man who lives for approval. This is a man who has learned that other people's happiness is how he earns love. He has to earn and please and do whatever he can to get love. But basically, this is the greatest form of manipulation, right? So this the pleaser is the the greatest manipulator. Because he will do whatever he can in his power to make sure that she's happy, so when she's happy, she's then available to meet his needs and she's available for him. So he's pleasing to actually get an outcome. He's pleasing to get his needs met.
[8:27]So when she's not happy, it heavily disrupts how he feels within himself. When she's not okay, he's not okay. Her happiness is a threat to his nervous system. So when she's not happy, it's a threat to his nervous system because he needs her to be okay for him to get his needs met. So the first one is the pleaser. The second one is the fixer. This is a man who can't tolerate his woman's emotions where her emotional experience and her bringing things to him is too overwhelming. Or when maybe she's got something going on in her life and she's sharing it to him, he needs to solve and fix her problems. And this is because of his inability to be in the discomfort of her not being okay. Cuz as I shared, when she's not okay, she's not available to meet his needs. So instead of just holding a safe, loving space and a a grounded presence and really acknowledging her emotional experience, he has to jump in and solve and fix so he can eliminate the problem and solve and fix her problem because how she feels and her emotions are his responsibility, right? So he he takes on over responsibility. The nice guy is overly responsible. Beneath the fixer is a man who never had space for someone to hold a safe space for his emotional experience. So he's never connected with that part of himself, so he's unable to hold space for someone else's emotional experience. The fixer will also show up in the way of being the yes man who says yes to everything and everyone. Because if he is able to solve and fix all of these problems for everyone else, right, then he will be loved and liked and accepted. And beneath the fixer and the pleaser is a man who thinks that his love is based on what he does and how much he does for other people and how much he can take on and say yes and, you know, make other people happy by doing all of these things for them instead of just being loved for who he is. The third one is the is the martyr. Now, this is the passive man. This is the man who will sacrifice himself when he doesn't have the capacity to show up. Right, so this is where he will say yes and he will do things for a partner for a woman, he will sacrifice himself. And underneath that, he's keeping score. This man keeps score of how much he does for his woman, so eventually one day she'll pay him back with love. And how this shows up is if I do all of this for you, if I spend all of this money on you, if I create this experience for you and be this man for you, then you'll never leave me. Because I've built this bank and I've banked so many times of giving you things and showing up a certain way and doing all of all of these things, then you'll never leave me because of how much I've given you. The martyr and the all of these archetypes, there's no real sense of self. Now what happens is beneath the surface is this unconscious resentment that is building over time. And this resentment then leads to reactivity, to extreme overwhelm, extreme shutdown, an extreme swing of the pendulum into this reactive shutdown state, where out of nowhere. It will just take over him and this is the greatest problem with the nice guy. Which then leads into number four, which is the the shadow, the shadow of the nice guy. Now, this is the most dangerous one. Because of the amount that in these first three archetypes, this man has abandoned himself, neglected his needs, he has no boundaries, he can't say no, because of how overwhelmed he is from how much he's just said yes to and how much he's taken on. His cup is full, he's got no capacity, no space, he's got no way to self-regulate his emotions because he can't fucking speak his truth or he can't create the space for what he needs because it's more important to be loved and liked and accepted than to go and do what he needs to do to be connected to himself. It then leads to this one, number four. And it's the most dangerous one because it's the build up of everything I just shared, which then leads to the explosion of rage on the other side. What happens is it's like this damn wall building over time. All this resentment, all of this anger, all of this frustration, all of this self-abandonment, all of the times you've been let down, builds and builds and builds over time. And that doesn't go anywhere. Eventually, that needs an outlet. And when your cup's full of that rage, it doesn't take much for that rage to come out. And this is where a man easily reacts, he says things that he regrets, he has this unexplainable rage that comes out to the people that he loves more than anything. And this is what really hurts the people. This is what really hurts his woman or his family. is when he gets to this point, and unfortunately, it's when he gets to this point and it creates enough of a rupture, men understand why this video I'm showing with you today is so important. So understanding the shadow, understanding this unexplainable rage that comes out is really important to acknowledge that this is this hasn't come from nowhere. This was a slow build up over time.
[14:33]Now what happens is if it doesn't get to the rage, what happens is it becomes this very subtle anger over time, where a man is just he becomes so disconnected from his heart from the level of self-abandonment and pleasing, that he is very easily shut down or reactive or passive aggressive.
[15:00]Right, so that that rage comes out and it I think the best word to use is the rage leaks out of him. It leaks out of him in very subtle ways. And it's this very thing that causes him to push people away over time, this constant leaking of his rage and his anger. leaves people feeling disconnected from him. And this is where, as I shared before, at the beginning, you know, this man will be the most incredible, giving, pleasing man for a woman that she's maybe never experienced in her entire life. But let's say six to 12 months in, he's a very different person because this rage, and this anger and this resentment has slowly been building beneath the surface. So the shadow is then how this, it's like this shadowy way it starts leaking out and sabotaging, contaminating every area of his life. So now we've covered the archetypes and how it shows up and plays out and contaminates your life as a man. Now we're going to begin to descend down into the depths from which this actually originates. So bear with me here. What happens is we begin our journey in life, and as we begin our journey in in our human experience, we have these three core needs that we need to have met in childhood to gain the strengths that we're supposed to gain along the way in each stage of development. The stages that we go through in childhood, where we gain ego strengths that allow us to mature past each stage. And what happens is when we don't have these core needs that I'm about to share with you, when we don't have that met, we don't progress past that stage of development, and this is where we stay stuck in the younger stages of development, and we don't progress past. This is what leaves people immature in relationships is they haven't matured past these immature states of consciousness and psychology. So what happens is uh we we have, as we begin our path, we begin our journey in in our human experience, we have these three core needs. And I speak about this in many other videos as well. The first one is to know that we're loved. Now what I mean by this is love wasn't used as a tool of manipulation to get you to do something or to be a certain way in childhood. You were just loved for the very one that you are, period. If you maybe played a sport and you felt that you were loved more for when you succeeded, you are started you you start to become conditioned that who I am is based on what I do and how much I perform. Right, so in order to be loved, right, your blueprint for relationship is now starting to be shaped around, I have to perform and do and be a certain way because that's what I need to do to to get loved, to be loved. I'm not just loved for who I am at my core. Okay, so the first one is to be loved. The second one is to know that you matter. Now what I mean by this is that your emotional experience matters. To know that you matter is to know that you are the highest priority in your parents' life. To know that there is nothing that is more important in the world than you as a child. It might sound quite egocentric and narcissistic, which it is. Now what happens is when we don't feel that our emotional experience matters, what we want matters, what we need matters, and that we are the most important thing in the world as a child. Think about how that then plays out in a relationship. When you learn that as a child, imagine how that then plays out in a relationship. So the nice guy, when he didn't feel this, he makes himself the most important person in the relationship. Where the relationship is actually unconsciously revolved around him getting his needs met. So this is why when she's not okay, emotionally, he makes it about him because the relationship revolves around him getting his needs met because he's still operating from the consciousness of a boy. Right? Or if he feels that his emotional experience as a child didn't matter because his parents just dismissed or minimized it's like, hey, no, you're fine. Get over it, stop crying, stop being a su, stop being a whatever it was for you, that he grows up and then gets into relationship and he believes that how I feel and my emotional experience doesn't matter. And how my partner feels is more important than my internal sense of safety. And this is where men then neglect and abandon themselves in relationship. So you can see how these core wounds, these core needs that we needed to have met in childhood, then shape our blueprint for relationships. Now, the third core need that we need to have met is to know that our parents are okay. That they're emotionally okay, that they're deeply connected to themselves emotionally. When we feel that our parents are not okay emotionally, we either make it mean one, it's my fault. Remember, because as children, the world revolves around you, or two, it's my problem. Right, so when your parents aren't okay, emotionally, or you can't feel the safe nervous system reflected back to you from them because as children, we're looking to the nervous system of our parents to reflect back our sense of safety. You don't have a safe nervous system mirroring safety back to you, so you're left feeling unsafe. And because the world revolves around us as children, we're very egocentric. We make it mean, it's my fault that dad doesn't have the emotional capacity. It must be because he had me and I've added all of this stress to his life. And therefore, I need to please and be and become whoever I need to be to make sure he's happy because I feel like this burden towards him. Beneath the nice guy is very much this feeling of being a burden to the people that are supposed to love and take care of you as a child. And then you grow up in relationship, and you then carry that feeling of I'm a burden and I have to prove myself to be loved or I have to be something other than myself to be loved. And if my partner really knew who I was, she wouldn't love me and she would leave me. That's the story that's happening for the nice guy beneath the surface. If she really knew who I was, she wouldn't love me. Like that really sink in for a moment. Now, if your parents aren't okay, right, the second one here is that you make it mean that it's your fault. It's your problem to solve. Now, this is where a child then begins to become the parent to his parent. He begins to problem solve and fix what his parents are going through so they can be happy and fulfill his survival needs. For example, how this would look is I, my parents went through a divorce, and within that divorce, uh there's a part of me, like the little boy, I don't know any different. No one explained this to me. There was no safe nervous system to really hold and support me in that experience. And I started to think and feel and believe that mom and dad divorced and separated because of the stress and overwhelm that broke their relationship because of us children. That my needs is what was overwhelming and made them disconnect, right? Now what happened was, I then felt that it was not only my problem, but it was now my problem to to solve and fix. So what I did was, I spent most of my time going to work with dad and sitting in the truck with him. And I thought that if I go to work and if I help him as much as I can, then maybe he'll be happy. So what I did was, from the youngest age, I never had school holidays. I was in the truck with dad, so I neglected my childhood because it was more important for me to go and sit 15 hours a day in the truck with my dad on school holidays instead of hanging out with my friends. And help him as much as I could because I felt that it was my problem and my my responsibility to to solve and fix dad's happiness. And it was never enough. So growing up in relationship, I would then abandon and neglect my friends, what I needed to be connected to myself, my happiness, all of these things that I I once loved when I wasn't in relationship. I threw all of that away because it was more important for me to be so readily available for this woman, so she didn't leave me because I felt deep down that her happiness was my responsibility to solve and fix. And if she wasn't okay, it was my fault or my problem. So sharing these core needs with you, there's a lot here, but it's really important to understand this that this is where these core wounds of the nice guy actually come from. And this is what most people won't share with you. This is what you won't learn from, uh, a podcast or a book. Now what happens is when we experience these this this subtle wounding that happens over a period of time, where it's what we call attachment wounding. Right, your attachment system is wounded, attachment meaning your blueprint for relationship is now wounded.
[24:54]Now, what happens is when you don't have these three core needs met in childhood, based on everything I just explained with you, as humans, it's more important to survive than to be yourself. Like that sink in. So as a child, it's more important for you to disconnect from yourself and be and become whoever you need to be to survive, to get your needs met, to be loved in relationship. So as soon as you enter into relationship, this original pain is awakened and these archetypes are then even more awakened because you've now got this person that can finally fulfill the love you didn't have in childhood, these these core needs. And this is why you can be good on your own when you're single, but as soon as you enter into a relationship, the nice guy comes online because you finally got this person that can meet these needs that you didn't have met in childhood. Now, what happens is this core wounding here that we experience is what I call the original wound, the original pain. And the basis of this pain is one of three things. One, the fear of abandonment, two, the fear of rejection, or three, shame. So when we don't have these core needs met in childhood, it's more important for us to survive, so we we are solely dependent on our caregivers to meet our dependency needs in childhood. We are solely dependent on them for our survival. So when they're emotionally unavailable or they aren't able to meet these needs that I just shared, the other side of that is death. I will be abandoned, left on my own and die. So this deep fear of abandonment will lead you to be and become whoever you need to be to get your needs met. Like it's literally a survival state. Right, then this next one, this fear of rejection, is very much plays into the abandonment as well. Is as humans, it's more important for us to fit into the herd, fit into the crowd, then to be on our own. So to not fit into your family is to feel that you don't matter in your family system because your parents are emotionally unavailable. Right, so that fear of rejection will lead you to do whatever you need to do to fit in, including abandoning and neglecting yourself. Your essence, the incredible parts of you. Right, for example, as a child, I was very self-expressed. I love singing, I love dancing, I loved being in front of a camera. I loved I was I was a lot of energy. Right? And that was too much. I was too overwhelming for my parents. So it was more important for me to fit into the family from the fear of rejection. So I neglected those parts of me. And this is where this disconnect began to happen, right? And then the shame is beneath all of these wounds is the shame that there's something inherently wrong with who I am at my core. The most shameful thing that you can experience is to think that who you are at your core is broken, is dysfunctional or is inherently wrong. And that is the very thing that comes up in relationship for the nice guy when he thinks and feels that if a woman knew who I really was, she wouldn't like me. She wouldn't love me. She would leave. That's the deep embedded shame that there's something wrong with me. And if a woman knew that, she would leave me. Why am I sharing all of this with you? Because this foundation here is what your life then becomes built upon. The foundation of the wounded boy. Right, so the nice guy is literally a man that is actually still a boy, that his life has been built upon the foundation of. Now, there's a lot here. But what also begins to happen is as your life is built upon this foundation of survival, as the wounded boy, you will then go through your life finding and experiencing evidence to prove to you that these three fears are true. That if you be yourself, you'll be abandoned, that who you are is not good enough, you'll be rejected from from the herd, there's something wrong with you, or the shame that there's something inherently broken or wrong with you. And that is the very thing that comes up in relationship for the nice guy when he thinks and feels that if a woman knew who I really was, she wouldn't like me. She wouldn't love me, she would leave. That really sink in for a moment. Now, what happens is when you finally grieve that little boy within you and you acknowledge this original pain and you allow this grief to bring you to your hands and knees where you get to feel it fully, where you're weeping for that little boy. What happens is there's a part of you that dies. And in that death is the separation from the wounded boy, where you separate and you become the man. You become separate from this original wound. Where most men are living their life from this core wound. Once you enter into the grief and you learn how to hold this wounded part of you, this wounded boy and grieve the loss of what you didn't have in childhood, then you separate from the boy. You can't heal what you can't separate from. This is why you can learn about nice guy syndrome. You can be aware of the behaviors. You can be aware from, you know, where it comes from. But until you enter the cave of the grief and you actually separate from the wounded part of you, you won't be able to tell the difference between the boy and the man. And you might think that you're this grown man, consciously, but unconsciously, 95% of you is still operating from the maturity, the emotional capacity, which is very small of the boy. This is how we heal. If you're resonating with this so far and you're someone who's ready to do the inner work and make that level of commitment, this is literally what I help and support men with and I've worked with thousands of men all over the world to heal the boy, awaken the man and really embody their leadership as men in the world. I run a group mentorship program and I work very closely with men to do this inner work. And for those men who want to apply or be part of that or you're curious to know more about it, simply just click the link below and apply, have a look, we can have a chat and see if it's something for you. So knowing this, this is awareness. Going into that cave and grieving the boy, that's the inner work. But what I'm going to share with you is some practical things that you can now go and do to start doing this in a work. So you can separate from the boy and you can really step into your power as the grounded, secure man. Firstly, I'm not going to lie to you and it's that what I just shared with you here, this is the real work. The the deep inner work of separating from the boy, healing the boy, that's the real work, that's where the shift happens. But there are some real practical things that I can give you that you can start implementing and doing today, and that's what I'm going to share with you. So, I've got a few notes here that I'm going to share. So the first one is to start saying no. Learn how to start saying no. And really checking in with yourself when someone asks you if you want to do something or if you want to uh maybe take on something, to really check in with yourself and ask, is this a is this a fuck yes? Is this a yes, I truly want to do this?
[33:07]Or if it's like, uh, I'm not too sure, honor your no. Where can you start saying no more? Where can you practice going out of your way to say no more and practice setting boundaries, practice using the N word, which is a word that um, the nice guy is, you know, not very familiar with. The second one is practicing setting boundaries with the people that you love most and the people that you work with. The people that are closest to you. Now, this is going out of your way to literally practice setting boundaries. What that looks like is going out of your way to have conversations of maybe it's at work when someone, you know, maybe a boss or a co-worker or someone isn't really honoring your time.
[34:04]And you notice that, you know, you're about to go home and they give you this actual work. So, hey, can you just do this? It's like, cool, practice honoring your boundaries. Hey, right, I would love to do this and also, I need to go home and take care of myself. Right, it's real simple. Centering setting boundaries and practicing boundaries is bringing things to your partner, sharing, maybe she wants to get out of the house and go and do something, but you know that you need to finish your project that might take another 20 minutes. Setting a boundary is like, hey, I am so excited to go and do this thing with you and I would love to and I'm so excited for that and also, I need to finish this and once I've done this, then yes, we can go do that. The nice guy thinks that he has an unlimited capacity. And it's really important to understand that no one has an unlimited capacity. We all have a window of tolerance of how much we can actually take. And it's important to honor that window of tolerance and how much you can take and also where you're at in your window, right? So practicing setting boundaries based on your where you're at in your window of tolerance when it comes to your stress and and speaking that, bringing that forward, practicing that. Uh the third one is building a relationship with healthy anger. So healthy anguring. Now, this is so fundamental for a man to step into. The nice guy is very passive, as I shared, the archetype of the martyr. It's very passive, very, you know, I'm a lover, not a fighter. And this is because he's out of touch with his anger. And this is because as a child, typically this boy, he didn't have space to be angry and to be loved at the same time. And he was taught that anger is a bad emotion and it's something that we don't do. And the bad part about that is your anger is your power. What I mean by that, your anger is the the energy of anger is space. This is my space. And how we develop that strength in childhood is a toddler will throw tantrums and do everything opposite to what you tell them to do because what they're doing is they're they're developing their sense of self. They're they're individuating, they're separating from uh being solely dependent on their care gives. It's a whole thing that we can go into.
[36:43]But healthy anger is a healthy emotion that that we need. So how you can start developing that, creating your space, developing this relationship with, no, like, this is my space, is some form of uh martial art or strength training or something that you're using resistance to uh literally to push and to to tap into your your inner warrior. Basically what I'm getting at is when a man develops a relationship with his anger and starts integrating that part of him, his anger no longer has control over him. And that's the most important thing to understand here. Is that anger is a healthy emotion and we need it. So it's important that you cultivate a relationship with it because that's that's the warrior energy. That's that's the man who can fucking stand for something. Right, the nice guy can't stand for anything, he can't say no. So when you tap into your healthy anger, this is the warrior energy, the the this is, you know, I can stand for myself. I can fight for myself. I can stand for what I believe in. So practicing healthy angring, and that's not to go and allow yourself to be angry at people, that's to uh physically, right, Jiu Jitsu, uh martial arts, boxing, some form of training where you can really tap into your warrior energy, the grounded, precise, contained, integrated warrior. Okay, that's how we integrate healthy anger. Many other ways, but that's a very practical way that you can take away from this video. The last one is to break up with your family. What I mean by this is a lot of men need to break up with their mother. A lot of men need to break up with the role that they play with their father. And what's happening here is until you break free and you break up from being dad's little boy or mom's little boy, right, you'll forever be a boy because you're still unconsciously playing into the role and dynamic of mom and dad's little boy. So when you start relating to them as uh as a really powerful way you can do this is to start relating to your parents with their name. I encourage you to say that now. Say your mother's name and your father's name and imagine what it would be like to relate to them as a man and as a woman, not as mom and dad, as a man and as a woman. And you'll instantly begin to notice the shift in your nervous system in that alone. So as I shared, awareness is just the beginning. And everything I've shared with you today is awareness. And there is some practical things that I've given you to take away. But the real work happens, as I shared, is in the grieving work of healing the boy. And if that's something you're serious about doing, go check out this video here. And that's going to take you on a deeper dive onto how to actually begin to heal the wounded inner child that's contaminating every area of your life. If you've made it this far, thank you so much for watching. I love and appreciate you. And if you got value from this, please like, subscribe, and maybe share this with someone who would also get something from it.
