[0:00]I did learn English back then. I learned English. They teach English there, but when I moved here, I learned that it's not the same English than you have. The English here it's different. I think the biggest difference is there's so many of these things here in America, these um, when you shorten a thing, but you shorten a thing down to a just a few letters. I think it's called acronym, like there's so many of those, like FBI, YMCA, KFC, so many of those. And I've noticed that people here seem to assume that every single person knows the meaning of every single one of these acronyms. Even people who moved here like four hours ago. From day one, I moved here, people said to me things like, yeah, I'm going through TSA at JFK. You want a PB and J? I have a PhD and I take CBD for my ADD.
[1:06]And I'm like, what the hell are you saying? What is is this English? I thought I know this language. Cuz they teach English in school in in Finland, but but they mostly teach words. Remember those? I know so many words, but not these acronym things. Cuz even official papers here assume that you know these things. I moved here. I had to fill out a form. First line on that form, DOB. No explanation. Just DOB empty space. Now I know it's date of birth, but back then, I was like, this could be anything. Dead on the beach. No.
[2:11]Then I did my my first uh first show at a comedy club in America and the club said that, hey, you have to fill out a a W9. And I was like, what the fuck is that? And he said, it's a form for the IRS.
[2:30]Well, what the fuck is that? And and he said, you shouldn't say that. Don't say that. You should uh, you should you should say WTF. And and I was like, what the fuck is that?
[2:54]Cuz back home in Finland we just don't use these acronyms that much. Like now we have a little bit more, but when I was growing up there, we had two. We had only two, UFO, HIV. The only two. And I don't think we even realized that they were shortened from something, like, we we didn't pronounce them like UFO. We we just said UFO. And we still say it like that. We still it's it's faster. But here it's everywhere and people assume that turns out even in in Canada. I went to Vancouver, Canada, first time ever. Immediately when I arrived there, people asked me that, hey, have you ever before done a show in BC? And I was like, you mean more than 2,000 years ago?
[3:58]I don't think so. No. I was so young. But BC, that means British Columbia in Canada. It's a province. I didn't know then. Also, first ever time I went to Michigan. I went to Detroit, Michigan, never been to Michigan, and immediately when I got there, people were like, hey, have you been to UP? You have to go to UP. UP. And now I know it means Upper Peninsula of Michigan. I know that now, but how the fuck could I have known that back then? Like, how did you don't know that. Nobody in Finland, zero people know that. Nobody would know that. But they just assume. They were like, UP, UP, UP. I was like, yeah, and I also poo.
[4:46]I think it it I I think it it can even be dangerous to assume that everybody knows all these acronyms. Like, like this, this this one guy was yelling, he was yelling like, like, help, I need CPR. Well, I have no idea what that means. So he didn't make it.
[5:14]So it's dangerous. But don't worry, don't worry. I am determined to learn all the acronyms. I have to because I live here. I live in the land of acronyms. This is this is this is the land of acronyms. Even the name of this country. That's the first hint. There will be more. Even the name, USA. That's I've actually noticed most people in the USA almost never say USA. Most times you say US. Just US. Like who has time to say the A? Even the acronym was too long for you.
[6:29]That's how I feel every day here. I've been married 13 years, but I I'm not anymore.
[6:43]Thank you, everybody who clapped too early. Thanks. And who clapped on time. Thank you. But maybe it was a trap. Sorry. But yeah, we did broke we broke up a while ago and uh, but it actually is not bad. Like it's the nicest divorce ever. Like my, my ex is still my good friend. We just like we just decided to get a divorce and then we get it we got it and we didn't even argue. So it was actually it was a nice experience. I would recommend it to everybody. It was not bad. It was actually surprisingly good. So really good. But many things are now different because I'm not married anymore. Many things are different. Now, now if somebody asks me, Ismo, where is your better half? I say from waist down.
[7:37]You want an appointment? And it's exciting to be single again, but it has been a long time. I was with my ex 13 years, like it's a long like I haven't been single in 13. I haven't, I haven't bought a condom in 13 years. But now, I bought one. I'm I'm wearing it at the moment. I'm already to go. And it's it's actually more comfortable than I remember. It's all right. And it's very convenient, cuz during the show, I I drink so much water. Like, you don't have to worry about that.
[8:31]It's half full.
[8:38]But yeah, it's exciting to be single but also, it's it's it's it's not easy to go back to dating and back in the game, you know, been away for a long time. Like it it can be scary to talk to ladies. It can be scary. If they don't like you, they can they can they can be mean. They can they can they can say mean things. They can say mean things. Like, I I wouldn't touch him with a 10-ft pole. Like, is that really necessary?
[9:17]Why would you say that? Like, does that even make any sense? Like have you ever? Have you ever said about a guy like, okay, that guy, I would. I would like to touch him with a six-inch pole. Hang on, I'll go get my pole.
[9:56]Oh, this is nice. That makes no sense. I think if somebody would say that to me, I wouldn't touch you with a 10-ft pole. I think I'd be like, can you please convert that to metric?
[10:17]I have another option also. If somebody would say that to me, I wouldn't touch you with a 10-ft pole. I think I would say, well, I would like to touch you with my six-inch pole.
[10:36]Let's see who gets their way. I don't know if my pole is I have no idea of I think in centimeters, so I have like my pole is metric.
[10:59]I have learned to date again. I've actually I've I've found out there's some secret code language when it comes to dating. There's secret codes in dating. I've learned this. If a lady says, if she says, I am an old-fashioned girl, it's a code. It means, you pay everything. That's the meaning. That's the meaning, but like I didn't know. I had no idea that is the meaning. First time somebody said that to me, said like, oh, I'm an old-fashioned girl. I was like, ah, okay. So, uh, you uh, you don't shave?
[11:52]Or you like to do laundry, like, or you can't vote? Like there's there's so many. There's so many old-fashioned things, so many, and most of them are like horrible. But uh, but the one thing about paying for dinner, that's that's that's the one they picked. And I get it. I would have picked that too. I think it's the best one. It's the best one and I was dating this one lady for a while. I was just going out with her and and I was paying for everything. I was just paying all and she assumed I was like she didn't even offer. She didn't even do the thing when you were like, slowly reached for her purse, waiting for me to stop her. She didn't even do that. She was just assuming I'd pay everything. And I did. And then at some point, I just I just asked, like, what the fuck am I paying? Why am I like, I know you have money. You have lots of money. Why am I fucking paying? And then he said, well, well, it it feels right. Well, I'm I'm sure for you. Must feel great. And she was like, no, you don't understand. It feels right because like traditionally it's the man's role to be the provider. So when you're providing, it feels right. You're feeling the role. It feels good in my body. Well, I'm okay. Okay, that's the man's role. Well, okay. Well, what is the woman's role? And she was like, well, you know, like, be supportive.
[13:44]Be nice and make sure the man is happy and satisfied, you know, sex is a part of the role. It's a part of the role too, you know. Oh, okay. Well, then it's not bad. I guess we can keep role-playing. And then we went back to my place and I suggested that we would have a little bit of sex and she was like, well, no, I'm too tired today. But maybe tomorrow. If I'm in the mood, maybe tomorrow. Well, I thought it was part of the role, but but it's all good. No pressure. It's all good. And then the following day, we went to eat in a restaurant and when the check came, I said, I would love to pay. But I have a headache. I was just going to swipe.
[14:48]Oh, no, I have a but but maybe tomorrow. If I'm in the mood for paying for food. I think I cracked the code. But I am, I actually, I I learned to like this, the role thing, the man's role. Like I kind of learned to like it. And that we can gentlemen. And I really want to be a gentleman. Like, I had to learn it, but now I like it. Like, the chivalry. I think chivalry, that's the word chivalry. Cuz I I really I had to learn it, cuz in Finland, we don't have chivalry. We have the we have the opposite of chivalry. Uh, equality. I don't I don't I don't know what it's called. I don't know what it's called, but whatever it's called, the thing where you don't always pay for shit. We have that over there. So. And also, we have had a woman president, a woman Prime Minister. So that's also nice. But so, so and then after you have that, if you have the woman Prime Minister president, then you don't have to do chivalry anymore. You don't have to pay for you. You don't have to open doors, nothing. You don't. And I want to spread the message. And here I'm I I always like, I just yell out Finland. And and I let the door slam in her face. No, no, I don't. No. No, I actually I I like the man. Actually, I actually, I learned to like it. And now I like I like being a gentleman. I like to be chivalrous. I recently I had a dilemma because I want to be a gentleman. I had this dilemma. I was in this tiny small restaurant. There was just one bathroom for everybody. One for everybody. So I was in the line to go to the bathroom. And I realized that, hey, there's a lady behind me in the line. Oh, I guess I should be, I guess I should be a gentleman. I should let her go first. Ladies first. And then I thought that, no. It's the toilet. Like, I have to go. I have to go like, and she's she's going to take way longer than me. So fuck no. So I went first, but I had the debate. I had the dilemma. I was, I felt a little guilty. And then I was inside the bathroom. And I had I had another dilemma. I realized that, hey, there's a lady coming after me. So should I be a gentleman? Should I should I leave the toilet seat down? I think she would like that. That's what women always complain that the toilet's up. So I want I want to leave it down. I'm going to be lying. I'm going to and I almost did it. And then I realized, if I do that, she will think I took a shit.
[17:41]I don't want her to think that.
[17:47]So after I really considered the situation, I thought it through. I made sure I left the toilet seat up. Even though I I did take a shit.
