[0:07]Our daughter wants to go to Harvard. It's her dream school. So don't treat her like a beginner. Be tough on her! Put her on the fast track. Our family can't afford scales. Have you written college recommendation letters before? You can use our draft.
[0:44]Faster. Follow my hand. We came here to give you the opportunities we never had. Don't forget that. You need to focus. How many times have I told you? Practice now, play later. Only the best will stand out. Don't let anyone tell you "no." Do you want to be ordinary? Your grandma's final wish was for you to get into Harvard. Do you want to have died for nothing?
[1:50]Good.
[2:01]Good.
[2:17]What's wrong? The A is flat. I made a mistake in this one. A mistake!? If you play with emotion, one note out of place is okay. It's my technical submission! I can't submit the piece with a mistake! Your mistake is waiting until the last day to submit! Can you record it on your phone?
[2:39]The quality would be terrible. I can record it at school.
[2:46]You can make it! You already missed the early submission deadline! I can fix it! You can't miss this one too! Come back! The application is due at midnight! Come back!
[3:16]I'm using that one. I'm using that one too. I'm using all of them. Look, I just need to record one video for my Harvard application. It's due tonight at midnight. I thought you already got into Harvard. Oh no, wait. That was— I'm not saying that just because you're both Asian. Who got into Harvard? Sarah Lu. Sarah Lu got into Harvard? Do you want to see?
[3:46]She also submitted a Paganini caprice. She's so beautiful. I knew I should have fixed something more difficult! Go with the heart. That's how I got in. You got into Harvard? Yeah. I researched the Dean of Admission's hobbies and likes, and hacked her accounts to learn more about her.
[4:10]That song, meditation from Thais. So simple, you can be so powerful. I need you to help me record a video. I'm indisposed. Help me or I'll report you for hacking the Dean's iCloud! I've never seen you threaten anyone before.
[4:32]What kind of lights do you want? Normal or something that'll blow your nuts off? I should look luminous and elegant. That's not possible with just lights. Put this on.
[4:42]My dynamic character modeling program can replace your hair and clothing in real time. I don't have time for that! Real time, as in immediately. I can skin the green suit for any outfit from the Met's historic costume collection. Can you make me look like Thais? I still have no idea what you're saying, but yes. I should be reminiscent of a Roman-occupied ancient Egypt. It's like King Tut meets Little Caesars. That's not what I said at all! Stand on the cube.
[5:11]Open your arms out. Open your arms out more. Okay. How's this?
[5:25]This is brilliant! Yeah, it is. Fuck yeah! Yes, it's perfect! Okay. Go. Don't forget to record audio.
[5:56]Perfect SAT score, passionate, merit, stellar final. World-class GPA. Different from all the other violinists. Way better than Sarah Lu. Your thoughts, Dean Moore? Admit. Here she is! Joyce! Admit. What's going on here? What are you doing here? What are you wearing? The dress of an ancient Egyptian courtesan. No, I don't think so. Submit right now or you'll miss the deadline! I'll explain later! Just get out and let me play! Don't talk to us like that! Respect your parents! I'm playing a piece that is guaranteed to get me into Harvard! What about the Paganini? It's better than the Paganini! Nothing is better than the Paganini! Why are you pulling these shenanigans? Do you want to end up at Brown? I didn't apply to Brown! Yes, you did. We filled out the application together. I didn't submit any of the other applications! I'm only applying to Harvard! What? We filled out the application! Ivy League schools are known to conference for admitted applicants. So, by only applying to my first choice school, I have given myself the ultimate advantage. How dare you! We sacrificed our entire lives to get you into a good school, and you throw it all away for a stupid conspiracy theory you read online? I'm not being silly! I'm definitely getting in! Too late. What time is it? You dig your own grave from now on. I'm done with it! I sent it.
[7:26]Who are you? I'm a costume rendering rent-a-thon.
[7:37]And then the mom says you had to pick the most important school to pull these shenanigans. Do you want to end up at Brown? Thank you, Professor Young, for providing that much needed context. I have to admit, the video was unique. worth a discussion. I think it's a meta-commentary on Harvard's contribution to the already substantial stress of a generation of Asian-American young adults. The execution didn't work for me, but I rather enjoyed the drama of it. Well, all in favor of admitting candidate 531, Joyce Shen?
[8:15]Our Harvard baby! We knew you could do it! The customer at the bakery never picked it up, so it was free.
[8:26]Wei-tian says congratulations to my very accomplished and successful daughter, who made all our dreams come true. Thank you. After all the violin lessons. The late night tutoring to get your GPA higher. All the money we spent on SAT prep. All of the tears. Thank you very much for all these things. I love you. We take care of you and push you to succeed. That's more important than so-called "love." Much more important! That video must have impressed the admissions committee. I can't believe they invited you to perform at admitted students weekend! My daughter is gonna perform in front of all Harvard faculty! I should actually go practice. What? Now? Your cake won't be here when you get back. It's getting admitted to my belly. Stop it, fatty!
[9:38]Dear Joyce Zheng, The Committee on Admissions has completed its Regular Decision meetings and I'm very sorry to inform you that we cannot offer you admissions to this year's class. I wish that a different decision had been possible, but I hope that receiving our final decision now will be helpful to you as you make your college plans.
[10:16]After all the violin lessons. Your grandma's final wish was for you to get into Harvard. The late night tutoring to get your GPA higher. All the money we spent on SAT prep. Practice now, play later.
[10:34]Only the best will stand out. All of the tears.
[10:43]Don't let anyone tell you "no!"
[11:38]We keep telling her to go home, but she keeps breaking into the party. She says she's supposed to be in there.
[11:49]Did you already forget about your mom and dad? Don't stay out late. You have a busy day tomorrow. There's a pre-med interest meeting tomorrow morning. After that, an important meeting for science majors.
[12:05]Are you listening to us? We're so proud of you. We'll be even more proud when you get into med school.
