[0:00]Trying to solve everyone else's problems is creating major problems for you. Because in life there's lots of problems, but most of them are not your responsibility to solve. If you find yourself chronically in relationships with people where you're pouring in and you're not getting anything in return, that's a bigger issue. Let people come and go, because you're never gonna be able to control what the person that you're interested in is gonna do next. I was the kind of person that was like tit for tat in a relationship. I put an hour, you put an hour, if I text you, you gotta text me back. We should not be keeping score in relationships. The better way in my opinion is to let people be, let adults be adults. And then really lock in on what you value and recognize that you can create anything. If you want a fabulous social life, stop sitting on your couch, I'm talking to myself here, and waiting for invites to come and start planning something. If you want to be close with your family, then make the effort to be close with your family. And you might be related to a ton of introverts that are socially awkward. Make the effort and stop wishing they would change. Now, you're either in a relationship romantically, or you're in a friendship, where it's just buming you out. You know you're not getting the effort that you deserve. You're not getting the mutual respect. You have to ask yourself, okay, well, what is it that I want in my life? And if this person is revealing that they are gonna just give me some table scraps, I get to choose if I'm gonna sit at this table and eat this meal. I get to choose if I'm gonna put more energy into this relationship or not. And this is very important for romantic relationships, with friendships, I would caution that I don't think that there's a need to really end friendships unless something dramatic happens, and you want to be emotionally mature and address it. But most friendships are very flexible when you become an adult. Let people come and go, let people live their lives, let people be in your life, and then let them get busy with other things. And the more flexible that you are, understanding that when people do well when they can, people reciprocate when they want to, and when they're able to. And if you don't have a tit for tat kind of tallying mentality, you're gonna find that you can just focus on putting in the effort where it matters, and magical things happen. Why does one person have so much power over you? Why does one person have so much power over your mood and emotional state? And I'm not saying that you should be in relationships with people that disrespect you and don't respond back. What I am saying though, is that if you find yourself chronically in relationships with people where you're pouring in and you're not getting anything in return, that's a bigger issue. That's a pattern of you chasing people that aren't available and who are not returning what you're putting in. And if that's you, that's a deeper level of work because you're gonna keep chasing people and living in your head. And I see this a lot in your twenties, and you know, when we were all younger, everybody chases the shiny people. I call them, you know, the people that look fancy and popular and all that stuff, and then you hit your twenties, and no longer is everybody in school together. Everybody's now on different timelines, everybody's doing different things, and everybody scatters. And we don't upgrade our model for friendship. We think we're supposed to travel in groups, we think people owe us a reply back, we think if we're part of a group, we're supposed to be invited. That's not how adult friendship works. How adult friendship works is you gotta let people live their lives. You gotta take a more flexible approach, because you go from traveling in groups to it being an individual sport. Which means it's about your effort in. Anybody that starts to feel lonely and look, I moved to a new place when I was in my early 50s, and I was the loneliest I'd ever been, and it was literally as if I had gone back to that first week of college, where it felt like everybody had friends, and I was the odd person out, and I was never gonna find my people. And the only way you find your people is by finding your people. You either live in a fantasy in your head, I'm lonely, I have no friends, it sucks, why did I move here? And or you actually get out of this echo chamber, and you start taking the actions that align with what you value and what you want. And so take me for example, I know what I'm supposed to do. I know that I'm not gonna meet anybody sitting alone on a mountain in my house. I know I have to put myself out there. But I am basically an eight year old in a big body. And I'm emotionally immature, and I want somebody else to fix this, and I'm lonely and I'm pissed, and why did we move here and what this was dumb? I did that to myself for almost a year. And then I did a very simple thing. If I want a social life, I need to get my ass out of this house, and I need to stop talking to myself, and I need to do the little things that I know work. And you taking responsibility, let me start talking to people. Let me go first. If you want to be in a relationship, are you talking to the people that you're standing in line with? Are you striking up conversation with people? Or are you sitting back expecting somebody to pick you? And that's part of what happens when you start to embrace the let them theory. That you'll be shocked at how many areas of your life you're expecting other people to do the work. You're expecting other people to give you the things that you want in life, and that's why you feel tired and exhausted, because you're expecting them to pick you.
[6:05]You're expecting them to behave a certain way, you're expecting them to create your social life, you're expecting your mom to suddenly be evolved and not be disappointed. What if you just flipped all this and you expected it of yourself, and you operated in that way? And you let other people be who they are, which frees you of the burden of expecting anybody to do anything, and then you focus on what you demand of yourself. The second that you give other people the power, whether it's somebody that you're dating, or it's a parent to respond a certain way, you lose all the power in your life because you're never gonna be able to control what the person that you're interested in is gonna do next. You can only control how you show up, but by giving up control, you actually gain it, because you're trying to control the wrong thing. You are capable of so much more, but if you're sitting around like I used to, and you're blaming other people, or you're upset that somebody doesn't treat you the way or there I'm here to tell you, stop giving your power to the other person, figure out what you want and then remind yourself, let me take the actions and let me think in a way, and let me do what I need to do to create what I want, because I'm capable of it. The fixers, the people who think that it's their job to keep everyone else okay, but the more that they tried to manage other people's emotions, the worse they felt.
[7:37]See, instead of bringing peace into your life, constantly overextending yourself, because you think it's your responsibility to make everybody okay, leads to you feeling more anxious and emotionally burnt out. It couldn't be clearer. See, when you're in that mode where you assume responsibility for other people's happiness, you're actually not helping, you're hurting yourself. You are only responsible for your own happiness. That doesn't make you selfish, it helps you make better choices. It helps you own what you're doing, and it helps you prioritize yourself. And when I make decisions that way, I take responsibility for the choices I'm making, and ultimately, I feel in control. The second thing that you're not responsible for, which is you're not responsible for rescuing people from their problems. Let them learn from life. If you care about somebody else, it's really hard to accept that this is true, that you're not responsible for rescuing people from their problems, and you have to let them learn from life. Because who hasn't been there? I'm sure you have, I mean, maybe you're there right now as you're watching somebody struggle. And the reality is simple, you can support someone, you can offer advice, you can pay for things, you can throw down a dozen lifelines, but at the end of the day, people only change when they are ready to do the work to change for themselves. And if you're not careful, your love and your concern and your worry will turn into enabling people who are struggling. And that happens when you assume responsibility for solving their problems. And based on the research, rescuing people and solving their problems for them backfires, it makes the situation worse. Trying to solve everyone else's problems is creating major problems for you. And you're important too, and there's a different way to approach these very difficult situations. Watching someone you love struggle with their mental health, crippling grief or an addiction is one of the hardest experiences you will face in life. And an even harder truth is, not everyone is ready to get better, be sober, do the work, use their tools or face their issues. And not everybody can, that healing is a deeply personal journey. As much as you may love someone and believe in them and would do anything in the world to make their pain go away, you cannot want someone else's sobriety, healing or health more than they do. The more you try to rescue someone from their problems, the more likely they will continue to drown in them. Allowing someone to face the natural consequences of their actions is a necessary part of healing, growing and getting better. The fact is adults only get better when they are ready to do the work, and you're gonna be ready way before they are. It's harsh, but it's true. What we're gonna talk about is there's a brand new approach to supporting someone through their struggles, which is grounded in the belief that someone can do the work to get better. And in order for that to happen, you have to stop assuming responsibility for doing the work for them. Let's say you loan your sibling money for the third time, even though they haven't paid you back the last two times, or you keep paying for the car, the phone and the rent for your adult kid who isn't working and doesn't really seem to be looking for work or all that motivated to look for work, but still has the time and the money to go out and party with their friends, and every time you ask, hey, how's the job search going? There's nothing but excuses and a request for some more money, and you keep giving it to them. Or you have a family member who refuses to get help for their addiction, and you know they're hiding their addiction from you, you know they're not honest, you think they're still using, and yet you're hiding what's going on from your friends, and you're not talking about it openly, and getting the support that you need, because you're trying to quote protect your family member, so you're not honest about what's actually going on in your life, and getting the support that you deserve. This is really difficult to do, and it's very personal in terms of where is that line where you're solving the problems and you're overextending yourself, versus standing back and offering support to somebody who wants it. Like I want you to think about somebody who you feel like you are really worried about. You're either paying for parts of their life, or you're trying to motivate them. Ask yourself, what is the problem you're trying to solve? Because in life there's lots of problems, but most of them are not your responsibility to solve. And often when you step across that line and you try to make somebody else's problem go away, you make the situation worse. They're already unmotivated, they're already spiraling, they're already struggling. Let people learn from life.
[12:48]There are a lot of things we can do to help people meet the challenges of life, by not shielding them from the challenges of life. This often happens in the realm of addiction with loved ones. We have to let people deal with the pain of losing a job or losing a partner, because they're addicted to some substance. Don't try to run in and make it all better. When we let people face the real world consequences of the choices they make, they hopefully learn from them. Maybe they need to spend a night in jail. Maybe they need to lose their job or their license or their family. Maybe you need to take them out of college, maybe they need to live with you because they need family around them. And coping mechanism that is very common when someone is confronted. Your loved one is going to avoid situations, conversations or behavior changes that feel hard. It's human nature to reach for what feels easy and to move away from what you're facing that is difficult. It's important to embrace the facts here, so you can approach this from a rational and science-backed method. Stop avoiding the problem, stop solving their problems and let them learn from life.
[14:05]The fact is helping takes two people, the person giving the help, that's you, and the person accepting the help. If you're giving someone help and they're not accepting it, it flips from helping to enabling, because you're the one doing all the work. They're not an active participant in solving their problems anymore. You're the one solving it, and that's what makes it enabling rather than help. So if you know that helping takes two people, and someone's not accepting the help that you're giving, let them struggle. Remember, people change when they're ready to change, and sometimes it takes people a very long time to change. Sometimes it takes someone going through a lot of painful experiences before they wake up and discover the strength within themselves. Understand the difference between supporting somebody and actually enabling them by solving their problems for them. It sounds harsh, but it's actually one of the most loving things that you can do, because you're also saying, I believe in your ability to do the work to change. I believe that when you're ready, you will change.
